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I accidentally deleted an earlier post. To sum it up:
Crafty and I texted all night. At one point I sent him a picture and his phone couldn't retrieve it. I kept sending it, and it kept getting denied. When he complained, I told him that he would have the real thing soon enough. He said he was sorry and that he was just lonely and tired. For some reason, that confession endeared him to me even more.
I thought he would call that night, but he didn't. I went to bed with the phone by my side and felt like such a sucker when I woke up.
Douchebag never answered my calls, and would randomly call me at all sorts of hours. I slept with the phone by my side every night--it felt pathetic. It was no surprise to most people, although a shock to me, that he was cheating on me.
I feel so on guard now, so protective of my heart. I don't ever want to be so blind. I felt bitter that I hadn't heard from Crafty this morning and so continued on my dating spree, confirming and making plans with several more men in the next week.
And then....
I get a text at midnight
C: G'night Darlin
Me: Sleep tight sweetie
C: I like u
Me: I like you too. And weirdly miss you even though we have only met once
C: No. I am feeling that as well. Shit
Me: This could be very bad or very good
C: Perhaps
Me: Coy
C: You love Crifty
Me: Crifty?
C: Crafty
Me: It's true. Crifty is the best! Ha ha I think your literacy is what I love most about you...
C: Tanx Baybee. Yoo da bezt
Me: Oh Crafty, you make me laugh out loud. I think I could fall very hard for you
C: Well, I want to wake up next to you soon. That was wanturfull!
Me: Anytime baby. Anytime
C: I'm really jaded and for me to want to sleep over is weird. But it feels good
Me: I know. I was oddly so happy when I woke up and saw your face that morning
Me: And you look like SHIT in the morning
C: Mean!
Me: Funny!
C:Maybe we should enjoy this instead of trying to int it.
Me: Int? Huh?
C: Interperate sp? Sooooo tired, and drunk-ish
Me: Interpret, you illiterate...if you need help with school work, ask an asian...
C: I sleep 4 hrs a night. F off!!!
Me: You love my abuse
C: Kinda. Could poss heart you
Me: Huh?
C: Nuthin
It was at that point that I re-read the text. "Could poss heart you."
Could possibly heart you. Shit
Me: Oh
Me: I get it now
Me: You were speaking in junior high school mode
Me: I feel the same way. I am kinda scared
And that was it. I heard nothing back. My guess? He passed out from liquor and exhaustion. Or he realized that this conversation had gone way past the point of breezy banter. I wish he had told me he was drunk at the beginning. I would have replied with that in mind had I known he was drunk dialing.
I wonder if he will remember the exchange tomorrow. I wonder if it means anything.
I excerpted some of the post about my first kiss to him in an email. I told him how I was feeling melancholy and all this shit came up. And then I sent him part of the blog. I don't know why exactly. I know I try to stay strong, try to build a wall of humor and strength around me so that I won't ever get hurt. But that never really works, does it? There are always chinks in the armor. Ha! I guess I am the chink in the armor, but enough of the racist humor...
I suppose I told him about my first kiss because I wanted to be vulnerable around him, to see how he would handle it. The answer is still unclear. but I know that he feels SOMETHING for me. I know I feel something for him. What could it possibly be? This is so improbable, so fast. I need to put the brakes on and really clear my head.
Or jump in with both eyes closed.
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Posted by datingretard on 2008-01-24 05:57:33 | Rating: | Views: 217
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