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It's been a while.
Alot has happened.
Crafty and I are as close as ever, but not before fording some tough times.
After my last post, he became a little withdrawn and our usually rockin' sex life had become dormant. After some cajoling, he told me. He had found some--ahem--irregularities on his penis and was worried.
Now this had happened before early on and he got tested. Just a heat rash. I had blood work done in January and was a-ok. But he seemed panicked, so we went together to a clinic that gave same day results. While he was in the examination room waiting, we kept texting each other back and forth. His main concern was that I would leave him if he had something. I stayed positive and told him I was sure he was fine. And then I told him that there was nothing anyone could say that would change the way I felt about him.
After three hours, he came out, ashen faced and cluthing two bottles of pills. My heart dropped into my stomach.
"I have herpes"
Shit.
We got into the car and I started crying. He chastised me and said that my tears weren't helping. I had so many questions and felt like I had just been blindsided. Did I have it too? How did he get it? Wasn't his test a couple of months ago clean?
Finally, I said
"You know I have to ask this. Is there anything that you have done since I met you that could've caused this?"
And for the first time, I saw him cry.
"No. NO! I haven't. I promise. I've only been with you."
Having just gotten out of two relationships where the guys have cheated, you would think I would have had my doubts, but call me naive--I knew he was telling me the truth.
It was puzzling why his last blood test had come back clean, but I didn't for a second doubt him.
So I took a big breath and started reading the literature that they gave him. We drove home in silence.
He dropped me off, as I had to go to a therapy appointment (what timing!) and we agreed to meet up after I was done.
My therapist and I had a tearful session and she asked me if I thought he had cheated. I knew he hadn't, and so we just concentrated on my fears for my own health.
After I was done, I drove back to the mexican restaurant where we had agreed to meet. He texted me while I was on my way that he was so sorry and had never felt so bad in his entire life.
I sat down next to him at the bar and we ignored the obvious for a few beers. But then he started up.
"Why. Why did this happen to me? I am cursed."
He kept saying it and I just snapped. I was so pissed that he kept asking why it had happened to him when the answer was obvious. So i finally said it.
"Probably because you had a skanky one night stand"
He looked stricken. then he picked up his cigarettes and walked out.
I felt bad, but damn. It was the truth! Live like a rock star, and that's what you get. We've never gone over official numbers--because really, where does that ever get anyone? But I do know that he has had a few one night stands, which to me are so gross. I guess i'm a prude.
Anyway, he came back in and I apologized for my out burst. And then we both agreed that we should leave and find somewhere else to talk about it.
We went to a local restaurant that he didn't like. i had suggested a bunch of other places, but he said he didn't want to taint some place nice with the memory of having the "herpes talk" there, so we might as well go somewhere he hated anyway.
As we sat in the parking lot, he said,
"I understand if you want to leave me."
I considered his words for a second and then I kissed him.
"I told you in the clinic, there is nothing anyone could say that would change the way I feel about you. I love you"
He started to cry again. "I was so scared you wouldn't want to be with me. And I'm not crying because of what happened to me. I'm crying because of what I could have done to you. I really have never felt so bad about anything in my life. I am so sorry."
We kissed and hugged each other, both crying, both feeling shitty about what the other person was going through. After we calmed down a little we started talking about how we both felt dirty. Sure, alot of other people have it, but damn. It still sucks to know that you are one of them. And he was pissed. He said he was always the one to be careful, and make fun of his friends who wouldn't use a condom. He said that he had only not used a condom with someone he wasn't dating twice when he was in his early twenties. Other than that, he was always "safe". So where he got it---who knows?
We also talked about what was next for me. i had to get tested. We had to be careful. Sex would be different. And he had to be vigilant about his meds.
That was on a thursday and my doctor couldn't see me until monday. Long fucking weekend.
I went in and told her the whole story. And then she went over my chart. Turns out, she hadn't tested me for herpes in January. Since I hadn't had any outbreaks, she felt it wasn't necessary. Well, my heart dropped again. Could I have gotten it from one of those cheating bastards and passed it to Crafty? Oh shit!
It took a week for my test results to come back, and the whole time I was thinking, either way, it's bad news. If I am positive, then I may have given it to him. And, you know, I have fuckin herpes. If I am negative, then our sex life has changed and he might be more reluctant to be with me. Damn you, Catholic guilt!
We were getting my camera fixed at the local electronics store when I got the call the next week.
Negative.
I felt a swell of relief. Thank god! Mostly because I was sure that i didn't give it to him.
But now we had to figure out the sex.
We had started having sex with a condom a few days before my results.
It sucked.
Condoms suck.
We were both pretty unsatisfied. And I thought to myself. Girl, you are clear. Don't risk it. Dating is bad enough right now. How bad would it be to date with herpes????
But I missed the closeness. I missed the feel. And so the next time we were in bed, I asked him to forget about the condom.
"Are you sure?"
I was.
I might be an idiot. i might be an idiot with herpes. But the sex is great again. I haven't had any signs of an outbreak. Hopefully it will remain that way.
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Posted by datingretard on 2008-05-22 23:48:27 | Rating: | Views: 193
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