Thoughts.com Blogs - Ghosts of Boyfriends Past

It's funny. As soon as I commit to seeing only Crafty, men keeping popping out of the woodwork. I got a call from String Theorist last night, wanting to know if we could go out for drinks. I had met him at an art walk several months ago. And although we hit it off immediately, we just kept missing each other until neither of us tried any more.

I also got an email from my very first boyfriend. He and i dated for two years from the time I was 14-16. He was a musician with long hair and a trench coat. Now, he is a musician with short hair and nerdy glasses. Suspiciously, they look exactly like Crafty's. I guess I haven't strayed much from my usual MO. First BF used the word "mythic" about me. That's the same word another former boyfriend used about me a few months ago. Mythic? I wonder what makes me mythic in these men's eyes. Like I've said before, I do my best to be the "perfect" girlfriend. I would bend over backwards to please them, but then be very tempermental when they didn't do the same. In short, i was often quite a bitch. I had to apologize to First BF for that, and he graciously said that he didn't recall that so much as us just being kids. In any case, i have to break that mold. It's time I look after myself instead of expecting someone else to do it for me. I am trying to do that with Crafty.

It's hard. I want to see him all the time, but so often we can't. He did come over last night and he did stay until just a few minutes ago. It was a nice, relaxing and fun time. Although I had to admit, I got really blue during some parts of it. I think I had built it up so much in my head that I expected more than it was. Don't get me wrong. It was lovely. Aimless, but lovely. I just don't know where my head is right now. I guess I am so used to the whirlwind, the craziness, the drama. Now that I am taking this "slow" and am consistently trying to be drama-free, it seems--well, boring sometimes. I hate fighting and tension and anxiety, but I have to admit, it added intrigue. This is just being with someone. It's where I usually am after many months into a relationship. Sometimes, years. It's not a complaint, just an observation. I am going to have to get used to it.

I wonder if I would still be with Crafty if our schedules didn't conspire against us. It's easy to be with someone once a week for a few hours of sex and catching up. It harder to be with someone daily and want to simply coexist with them. I do like just being with him, but it's still so infrequent. Is it the novelty of him being there or is it truly that we are kindred spirits? There is so much that bothers me about him sometimes, his self-medication, his need to put a dark spin on everything, his time management. If I had to deal with this more regularly, would I still be as enamored?

I'll tell you this, however, I fell asleep in his arms today and when I woke up, he was still holding me and I was happy. Does that count for anything?