Thoughts.com Blogs - Back Home to Crafty

View Blog

Back Home to Crafty

Just got back today from a job in Portland. They had a car pick me up to take me to the airport, but after the job was done, they gave me a fifty and said that it was up to me to find my own way back from the airport in LA. I called Crafty to see if he was willing to do the airport thing. That is, after all, nudging into boyfriend territory.

I was only gone for a few days, but we kept in constant contact via text or phone. On my last night, some of us went out to see a concert. I told Crafty that I was going to go with some crew members and actors. "Don't make out with a grip" He texted. He had also texted the day before to not "make out with any hippies". I gotta say, he is just the right amount of jealous. Enough to let me know that he worries, not enough to make me feel like he is psychotic. In the old days, i would have egged him on a little, stoking his jealousy. But instead, I sent him a reasurring text. I don't want him to be jealous. That is nothing but damaging to a relationship. But it's taken me years to learn that.

I spent my first night in portland scouting used record stores for a few rare cd's he was looking for. Why do women do this? We always seem to look for ways to surprise a man, show him that we are thinking of him. If we had traded places, I could almost guarantee that he wouldn't have spent the night searching for gifts for me. In fact he cautioned me earlier today that he always forgets birthdays. I let him know with all honesty that if he were to forget mine (only one day after his, for god's sakes) we would be done. I mean come on. Birthdays are the one day out of the year to celebrate someone, to let them know you are happy that they are alive. My whole life, my folks forgot my birthday. I make a big deal out of it now, and he best pay attention!

Anyway, this morning we kept texting back and forth how excited we were to see each other. Honestly, it's only been like 4 days. We've gone longer than that before. But something about me being gone, out of driving distance, made it more poignant.

After all the sweet texting I guess I expected more from him when he picked me up. He is so affectionate in his texts, but when he saw me--I don't know. He kissed me, yes. But I suppose I imagined a larger display. How can a man be so differnt in his messages than he is in person? He really likes to put up this cool facade, like maybe if he makes people think that he doesn't care, then no one can hurt him. It would just be nice to see him drop that around me once in a while. He wasn't like this when we first met. I don't know why he changed. Perhaps to keep his distance?

I had a meeting in the afternoon and then coaching that night so we only had an hour or so before I had to go. I kept looking at him in between kisses. I love his face. I especially love it when he is naked. When he has his clothes on, he tries to project this aloofness. But when I get him in bed, he smiles with big goofy buck teeth. He face is so open and pure. I wish I could have known him before. Before the bad relationships, before the disappointments, before the gunshot. There is such a sweet and innocent essence to him, it almost breaks my heart when I see it. But then it becomes clouded with booze and bitterness and bile. I love him for all of him. Everything that has happened has made him who he is today. But when I catch a glimpse of him without his armor, it makes me love him all the more.

Posted by datingretard on 2008-03-06 02:44:54 | Rating: