I'm heart broken - again!
I just can't believe it. I've been trying to get over this person for a long time and everytime I think I have, somehow everything I think I've gained turns against me. It's not fair, how can I be so infatuated with the same person for so fucking long and not be able to let go? It should be so easy and it theory it is, in practice it is so much harder.
The worst thing is, it's not his problem - it's mine. I'm the reason nothing ever works out. I'm the one who shies away as soon as things get a little too good to be true. So it's all me and I don't think he knows, nor do I really want him to know how I feel.
I suppose I'm worried about rejection and so I let go of any attatchment before the other person can get to know me better and decide I'm not good enough. I stupidly make that decision for them before they get the chance. I have no faith in people what-so-ever, the above stands for everyone - strangers, friends, family - keep everyone at a distance and I won't get hurt. Thing is, it makes life very lonely sometimes.
I know where it all stems from - in fact I can pin point it right back to when I was around 10 or 11 and my best friend for years up and dumped me for some new popular friends all for the reason of not hanging around with the slightly weirder kids. Of course it didn't work out and so she just up and left school without a word and never came back - I mean that really hurt, being rejected by your best friend just because she didn't think I was cool.
Number two came in the form of my first boyfriend, aged about 12/13. We were good friends, we hung out a lot and then we just kinda got together for a short period and it was fun and really nice. Once again, this ends in him just one day disappearing out of my life without a word. I mean, I had a good idea that his family were a bit shady but he had never said anything and so I just let go. But still, it hurt.
Subsequently, more of the same type follow from various friends (now previous) and eventually my sister, who I cannot just cut out of my life and so go through the same cycles over and over again.
So, it is my problem. Nobody elses. I dunno, maybe I just 'feel' too much. I take a slight knocking back as a full punch into oblivion. But it still leaves me with the problem of 'him'. Sometimes I wonder if he thinks the same as me, if my feelings are exactly the same.
Who knows? But I'm never going to ask him, I'm never going to find out because I think it's fairer on both of us if we just put this whole thing behind us and never look back. But there lies the problem, I just don't seem able to do that.