Miserable. Strong, confident in myself (sort of) . . but definitely miserable. You know when you get that feeling that you have overlooked something and that a long time after, everything falls into place and you realise why things happened the way they did . . . thats sort of what I am feeling.
I've lost hope really. I would be lying if I said I didn't wish that he would come back to me. I would be lying if I said I wish I could take everything over the last six months back, because I wouldn't . . I've learnt an awful lot about myself and about things in general and as much of a disaster he bought to my life, it also stopped me from potentially making a big mistake career/education wise.
I know now that the reasons I wanted to leave, were wrong, misled. Basically I was running away from my non existent life and as much as I hate to admit it, his presence in my life has bought some of my zest, vivaciousness back.
Of course, in the end I have ultimately lost him. That is a sad truth indeed, but isn't that always the way - well at least it is with me anyway. Push away the people you want to be closest to . . . and I have certainly managed that. Of course it is all a delusion. He was never mine to have anyway. I merely fabricated him into my existence to push forward my life into what I want it to be and as much as I wanted him to be part of it, you can't have both.
He is long gone and I wish him well. I want him to come back to me, desperately want him to come back to me, to want me in his life as much as I want him in mine - but that is also a delusion. He was available to be a part of my farce because he had no connection to me. It was easy for him to let me mess him around, because he simply held nothing for me. He didn't want me to be or expect anything from me, because he didn't want to. I was merely passing entertainment for him. Now there is a very sad truth.
Even now, it is evident that he holds very little regard for me. I like to think that maybe I bought a little something to his life, spurred him on to enjoy his own a little more than he was and that anything is possible. As much as it stings, I also like to think that maybe I pushed him closer to the girl he very clearly does have feelings for - because as much as it does hurt and makes me feel very sad, isn't that what most humans strive for - happiness and companionship?
If I cannot have that myself, then I suppose I can take some enjoyment in helping others get theirs. Thats what I like to think anyway and I say with a twinge of bitterness that I hope he and her finally get it together and life happily ever after.
My existence will continue in solitude, chasing others so that they might let me be part of their world for a little while. I don't want to go back to what was before, I realise that now. I want to improve things but I'm not sure which is the best road to head down for that.
One day, hopefully soon my heart will finally let go of him. That is my problem, it takes me a long time to let go. I know that time and distraction will bring it around eventually, the hot gladiator on Saturday certainly did for a moment lol. I have no direction and maybe I should embrace that. Maybe there is some beauty in not having a goal or a plan to lead the way, perhaps following your heart and just doing what you feel is right in the moment is the best way for me to be, instead of always looking for an ambition or for what my life should be.
Wherever I'm headed, I hope it's someplace good :)
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