well this is my first blog. umm im not quite sure what to put in here. lets see. i have many issues/events/things happening in my life. im not sure what to call them. well to start off with me and my father have a terrible relationship. me and him have had much to do with each other since i was about 14. my father is a mentally abusive man. since i was a little kid he has played mind games with me. he has a control issue were he has to control me. i remember when i was younger for my punishments he would board up my window and he wouldnt let me close my door ever. not ever to change or take a shower. i remember the time that he took my bed away from me for a month. i had to sleep on a deflated airmatress and a tiny sheet. sad thing is after all that i still could forgive him just so that i could have him in my life. i dont know why i feel this way but i do. its stupid but i cant help it. i am almost grown up now and i still feel like i need a father figure in my life. i mean im am completely intirely in love with that most amazing man ever and we want to get married and i would love it if my father would/could just walk me down the isle and what i want most of all is for him to dance with me during the father/daughter dance. another issue that i have in my life right now is my boyfriend dalton. i love him sooo much and i would do anything for him but i have a horrible past and i can tell it hurts and worries him. my past relationships were lets say abusive ones. i was in a 9 month relationship with a horrible guy that abused me and treated me like shit. after i finally stood up to him i got into a worse relationship. i started dating a guy that turned out to be my worst nightmare. we went out for about a week and he started pressuring me into to do things, but i wouldnt do it. finally he had enough of the waiting and decided to make me do stuff. he decided that the best way to do that was to put a knife to my thoat. so he pretty much raped me.  after all the mental abuse and the abusive relationships i have been in my whole life. i do suffer from depression no matter if my mom refuses to accept it. i am trying to stop cutting but it is a hard thing to break, just like drugs. its addicting. my boyfriend gets hurt every time he finds out that i have cut or he sees my scars. i guess he thinks that its an easy thing to quit but its not. i think he thinks its stupid and i addmit that it is but i cant stop for some reason. i wish that i could be the perfect girlfriend with no flaws and no negative stuff but i have a horrible past and i cant help it. he has been thru alot himself but he never lets it get to him. why cant i be like that?  well i guess i have bored u enough. ill be writing more soon. any advice? i would love to hear your thoughts... love, emily