Thoughts.com Blogs - when things get too complicated

So in connection with my last blog, here's the continuation..

My boyfriend and I have been on for 5 years and 3 months already.. He is my first boyfriend and I am his first "serious" girlfriend. We met 7 years ago.. we've been bestfriends for almost two years until we decided to take our relationship on the next level. Our 1st year was ok.. same with the 2nd year.. the 3rd.. although we fight for some petty reasons but I guess that's just normal in a relationship. And then came the most dreadful part on our 4th year together. He used to love me very much.. He would shower me with gifts ~~of love only~~ lolz! Why is that so? Because he was kind of poor then.. During our 1st three years together, I would pay for our dates.. we only go to places we can afford.. like the fast food chain. We never went fine dining then.. We could not afford. Then on our third year together, he went to Manila to work as a callcenter agent. Still our relationship was soOoO okaY!!! We would talk on phone for hours, email, chat, etc. I visit him there when I get the chance. I even begged my parents to let me stay in Manila for my local board exam review. We spent 2 months together there. I can say our relationship was really not that perfect but I was very happy with him. Although I've hurt him in some ways, but still we manage to fix it before the day ends. Then after my review period, I passed the local board exam.. i went back to our province and worked as a Nurse in one of the tertiary hospitals here in our town. Then after months of being here in my town without him, i felt so lonely so I begged him to come home and work here instead. Which he really did. He went back here, i helped him look for a job as I was still supporting him.. He finally landed a job in a local call center. He was hired in a position higher than his position before. So we were both very happy. He earned bigger compared to what he was earning before. We can now go dining in a fancy restaurant..we watch movies every weekends..we spent time a lot together. I admit I have made some mistakes.. i love him very much but i guess just because I wanted to be sure if he really loves me, I initiated breakups.. I break up with him everytime he does things i don't like. Like when he comes up late on our dates, when he couldn't reply to my text messages immediately, etc. But after breaking up with him, i will wait for him to pursue me and do something to get me back. Then when I see that he really loves me, i would go back to him. It was really very childish of me. Until one day, i broke up with him for some petty reasons and I was so shocked when he said "if that's what you want, then be it.. i'm already tired and I'm no longer happy." I was really really shocked. That happened on our 4th year and 7 months together. That's when i found out that there's this girl in his office who tries to please him.. i don't know as to what level of pleasing him that she does.. But i really felt sad and guilty. I thought it was my fault which i admit i really had faults. But i never expected he could do that to me. It was more of like cheating. I pitied myself. I stalked him, begged him to stay with me.. i became more of like a needy girl-- from a tigress to a kitten. I lowered down my pride. This went on for 3 months. Until i finally realized that i am losing myself bit by bit. I realized that i looked like a rag in front of him. And so I decided to stop and then I learned to move on. 1.5 months after, he contacted me. He said he was so wrong to let go of me. He wanted to see me. And because IAMSTUPID, i went to see him. We talked.. he said he's going to fix our relationship and would let go of the girl. We watched movie and we went to some place. And that place witnessed everything. That was where our baby was conceived. Everything went fine, until weeks after, i found out i was pregnant. When i told him about this, he was so happy. But when I asked him what his plans are, he said he's going to support me and the baby. No marriage proposals or anything. I felt so devastated because I know my parents will get really really mad when they find out i am pregnant and no husband. I talked to him again because i don't wanna be an unwed mom. But he wouldn't give in. So i decided to tell my parents and told them not to expect for a wedding because that's not going to happen. So of course, they were disappointed. I asked my boyfriend to come over and talk to my parents which he did. Then his parents also came and so we talked about our "wedding". We were supposed to get married a month after that but i called it quits. I realized maybe he was just forced to marry me. So I preferred not to get on with the marriage. We broke up again during my 2nd month of pregnancy. But he said we can still fix it and he really wanted to marry me. But not right now. He said maybe when the right time comes. So because of this stupid love, i agreed with him. My parents don't like that set-up still. They don't approve of live-in. So right now, i am still staying here in our house and he's still staying in his house. Yes, i agreed with him with that set-up but deep inside I am hurting. it seems to me like he's not yet sure if it's me he wants to spend the rest of his life with. Or something like i am not worthy enough to be his wife. it hurts. but there's nothing i can do now, i am pregnant with his kid. He still shows his love for me but it is a lot different now. I no longer feel secured, i no longer trust him. That's why i am so confused. If until when i can stay in this relationship. My parents said that if he has no plans of marrying me, he will not be allowed to see my baby when the baby comes out. I haven't told him this yet, that's what's bothering me. I really don't know what to do. I love him. But i can't take the way he's treating me now. i am already tired and i am no longer happy. i'm just staying because of the baby and the thought that maybe no one else will love me and accept me because i am a disgrace. I guess that would be all for now.. tomorrow again!!