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11/06/2009

I went to mom's yesterday. It was a pretty decent visit this time. Although it was like she wanted to get rid of me after a while. I thought it was kinda funny actually. Took her out to buy some milk and bread. When we got back to her apartment she said that I probably wanted to go home so I could get something done yet. I didn't actually. When we went shopping she left her key in her apartment so we had to have someone let us back in. She still isn't using her walker except when she has something to carry. I told her she should be using it, but she is a stubborn person and you can't make her use it I guess.

Im dreading work tomorrow. I have to be there at 6:45AM to open up. I hope I don't make some big mistakes on the register. I don't like the idea of working alone. It's my birthday tomorrow...what a way to celebrate my birthday.

I will come back to this later. Haven't decided what to write about yet today.

I'm back and found a topic from my childhood to discuss. It has to do with my relationship with my brother. Actually, he is only a brother in name since we basically live totally separate lives and do not communicate or share anything with each other. We tolerate each other once a year at Christmas.

When we were young and growing up at home, I do remember us playing together. However, I think that was because we didn't have anybody else around to play with. If we wanted to play, we had no choice but to play with each other. As we got older, our interests became so far different that by the time we were in college we had absolutely nothing in common whatsoever. My brother attended a state university and gradually lost many of the values that we were raised with. He is very smart. He even has a doctorate degree and his life seems to revolve around making the big bucks and having nice things. I guess in that aspect I am a bit jealous because basically right now I don't have much.

His personality became such that it was difficult to be around him. I always remember him as being rather whiney as a child, but now that he is a grown adult, that whininess has increased. I do not like being around him. On the few occasions when we are together, which is usually for a few days at Christmas, I find his personality to be offensive. He is very condescending to our mother and sarcastic in his verbal expression. He always makes fun of her little quirks and oddities. I wish he would realize how disrespectful that is. I don't really think he realizes that he's doing it, but it's very off-putting. I sometimes feel sorry for my mom that she has to listen to it. In my opinion he has gotten too big for his britches. I wish there would be something that would bring him back down to earth. He is very full of himself.

I think he does love our mother, but the way he treats her is not very nice. He lives far away and does not come home much...which I am thankful for. I see him at Christmas for a few days and that is enough for me. I really dread seeing him, but for the sake of mother I put on a brave face and grin and bear it for a few hours on Christmas Day each year. I know it's not a nice thing to say, but our Christmas would be much nicer without him around. He always stays with my sister when he comes home for the holidays...to be truthful, I don't know how she can stand having him in the house that long. I know she is usually glad to get rid of him when he goes back home.

It's the beginning of November and Christmas is only 2 months away and I'm dreading it already. With me being out of work this year, my Christmas gifts are going to be very skimpy this year. I know what my brother will probably be thinking. He always seems to lord it over me because he makes so much more money than I do. I wish the holidays were over already.

Because my brother lives so far away, he's never around for the big things that happen in our family. We've moved our mom now 3 times and he hasn't been around for any of that. When my dad had cancer and was dying, he wasn't around for any of that either. He came home about a week before dad died and then proceeded to try to tell us what should be done for him medically. He had no clue about what was going on. He went back home and wasn't around when dad died.

I remember one time we were going to grill chicken at my mom's for some holiday. My sister, who normally does all the grilling wasn't there so I was going to take charge and grill the chicken. I had set up the grill for the type of grilling I do, but when he came out and looked at the grill he said in his sarcastic and condescending way that I had done it all wrong. So I told him just to do it his way. I was so mad. Last Christmas I was going to put a spoon into the dishwasher that hadn't been used for eating, but it had been put out and had been touched, and he had a fit about that. I couldn't believe it. All that fuss over a little spoon. He actually yelled at me. I had to really refrain from saying something as I didn't want to get into a big thing with mother there.

The truth be told, I think once mother has passed on, I will no longer have a need to get together with him at all, and I am looking forward to that. I don't think I love him because I do not even really know him. My sister goes to visit him sometimes, but I've never been invited to his house. I would be totally shocked if I ever was invited. We are estranged and I guess that is probably the way it will always be. The sad thing is that I don't really care all that much. Would I go to his funeral? I don't know if I would. I don't think I would be sad. I would probably remember how nasty he was as an adult. I feel rather sorry for him in a way. He has left the church, and I really don't know what he has to look forward to when he dies.

After my life has settled down and I finally move to AZ, I doubt if I will ever have to see him again. I know I won't be inviting him down to visit. After mother has passed on, I doubt if I will return to WI for Christmas, other than to visit my sister perhaps.

Posted by cschmoldt on 2009-11-06 10:21:00 | Rating: