I've just started bmx racing.  Yep, I'm an adult.  Isn't that where you ride a kid's bike?  Yep, I guess... so what?  I used to sit at my desk at work every day drowning in absolute boredom and feeling like my life was over.  I spent so long at work I'd stopped getting to think of how I'd like to spend my spare time.  Anyway, when I did get home I was so distracted by severe headaches and neck and shoulder pain that what I mainly did was come in - mess up the kitchen worse while attempting to cook dinner.... do annoying frustrating things like drop plates and glasses on the floor 'cause I was so tired and worn out... and then of course cut myself when I'm trying to clean up the broken shards from the floor....  I just lost the point, you know?  I think there's a lot of people who know.... I'm sure I'm not the only one.

I was wrestling with it all - I knew if I took up a sport again then I'd have to draw lines in the sand at work - I'd have to leave by certain times at least a couple of days a week... AND.... my health would have to improve - it'd just have to.  Physical activity could only help - surely.  I started looking for a sport... I had a few ideas... everytime I drove past the sign for the local bmx track I'd get strangely drawn - doing that head turning thing as I passed.  I started to entertain the idea of looking into bmx racing.  I did it tentatively at first.  Then I kinda got hooked.  I needed a bike and all the safety gear.  I gave myself a cooling off period of a couple of months... still wanted to do it.  I eventually ordered a bike - about the same time I gave up at work - I got time off... just had to - my partner pushed me hard to do it - good thing he did. 

Finally my bike came in - I went to pick it up plus helmet and everything else.  I practiced at the track on the weekends at first.  The first time I got on the track I started worrying about what I'd just committed to...  The way I dropped off the back of the jumps scared me - the speed.... I couldn't find my wreckless abandon.  I gritted my teeth and went over the track again and again... until I realised that it wasn't all that fast and the jumps weren't all that high after all.  I'd just spent most of my life playing safe at everything that I was having trouble adjusting to letting go and trusting - trusting instinct, trusting the bike, trusting the track....  When I finally let go and allowed myself to enjoy it I realised there is so much potential for learning - so much skill needed.... so far to travel with this.  I realised I have so much to look forward to.

I found someone on a bmx forum who started providing me with resources.  A copy of a book and some dvds.  Something to help me start learning - to start on that journey.  Then we started talking on messenger - mostly about bmx racing.  I'm addicted... I can tell he is too - has been for a while.  It feels like we're developing a friendship - its nice.  It seems in bmx racing heaps of people have heaps of friends all over the country - lots of people travel and visit other clubs.  I heard talk of a bmx family and wasn't really sure whether to believe it... but, it seems its true.  Its nice to belong to something where you can belong without losing your individuality and where you set your own goals.

I've been to three practice nights and one race night so far.  Racing is just so on my mind right now.  I love it.  I get a rush - I guess that's understandable.  But, its more than that - I've got something to hang onto now.  I've got somewhere to go.  I line up at the gates with kids and if anyone's gonna know how to have fun its gonna be them.  Last week a girl from Under 7's asked if I wanted to race - i agreed - she beat me.... I'm not embarassed - I had a good night.  It makes me smile when I think of it.  She was so sweet she even told me that I rode well... that's cool.  Everyone beats me and I can't stop smiling when I think of going down to the club...  I want to get better and I'm pushing myself - I think its that thinking about the particular skills I need to work on and the parts of the track I need to get better at that keep me tossing and turning at night - I think its just this drive to work it out - all now, now now.... 'cause right now its all I wanna think about. 

I feel like I've come so far - finally I am living.  For so long I was acting like I was already dead.