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| we don't always get answers
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Dear Diary,
A while ago I mentioned this guy on facebook with the same name as someone I worked with last year and who had the same graduation date down & at the same uni as the guy I worked with. It was S - I hadn't had a chance to say goodbye or anything when he went on extended leave because I didn't get any notice and the email he sent me didn't have any contact details.
When I found him on facebook I was pretty happy to have the chance to get in touch - there was no profile picture though so even though things in his profile seemed true to him I couldn't be 100% sure it was him. I sent him a message with a friend request, it was something like: Is that the S that worked at _____? This is ______ ______. I gave both my first and last name. All I got back from him was a message that said my first name followed by "who?" My profile only lists my first name - that's why I needed to clarify who it was. From his message I figured maybe somehow it was the wrong person - either that or he didn't want to know me anymore. Either way I knew he'd refused my friend request already because there was a link in his message back to me to click if I wanted to send a friend request. I decided to leave it at that - if its the wrong guy there's no point in sending messages backwards and forwards with a stranger, if its the right guy and he doesn't wanna know me even less point. So, I just sent a message back "guess you're not who I thought - sorry to bother you". That was it.
Well, earlier in the week I was going through my inbox clearing out old messages. I saw the one from him and clicked the link to his profile - I just wanted to check if he'd put a pic up... just so I could satisfy myself that it really wasn't him. Well, no profile pic but the first line of his "activity" list said he'd been tagged in a photo - this is great for anonymity I must say - so easy for a friend to give it all away for you like that. I clicked the tagged photo - there, clear as day was S that I worked with. Still got questions going through my head - did my message somehow not get delivered? Did he not recognise my surname? Was he hurt when I didn't reply to his email not realising that he hadn't given me his contact details and not knowing that L would refuse to share them? Or... something else? Did he just not want to know me - was I too intense to know at work and a relief to get away from? I don't think its that - he did send a nice farewell email.
It just makes me wonder you know - what happened? If I had a phone number I could have by-passed all this bullshit and just spoken to him. I can't do anything now. To have even looked at his profile one more time was probably creepy of me. I guess I just have to move on. When I go back to work I know I won't see him again in my section but he could come back there to work for another team. I could see him around... then what? I think the first thing I would do is tell him that I had wanted to contact him but couldn't - maybe tell him the story with L depending how friendly he seemed.
I think, with the facebook thing - with the denied friend request - I think it is the same for all of them. If I see them again in real life I won't mention facebook - if they do, I'll just play it down. I guess if they mentioned it, whilst happily speaking to me of their own free will, maybe they'd be doing it because they wanted to explain why they turned my friend request down. I don't think it will happen... its just wishful thinking because some sort of "closure" would be nice with these things I guess. But, really - life isn't neat like that. Life is just a whirlwind of things that happen and situations you drop into and are whisked back out of... I don't think there's any sense in it - no sense, no closure. C tells me I'm very black and white, J goes one step further and says I'm TOO black and white - I think he's right. I have to get past this point - I have to see that friendships are made of all sorts of dimensions that include times and places and situations and varying levels of intensity - at any point in time it just is what it is then and there and what it is now doesn't change what it was before or what it will become... and where it ends is not an indication of its overall value or the value at any given point. I need to see things more fluidly like this... I try, I rationalise, I understand... I am yet to learn to FEEL in this way though - but first I must FEEL peace - overall, always... I'm trying for that.
S - you saved me - you helped me survive at work longer than I ever could have without you. I yearned to see you at work and all those times when you were too sick of it - too stressed - feeling too victimised - too bored - whichever it was - I missed you and I felt for you and I supported you. I know you tried to support me too - you were nice to me... you let me rant and rave and go on about how there was nothing left that they could take away when we both knew it wasn't true. I told you I didn't care when I clearly did and you understood. You talked to me about things that matter in this universe - you told me about your dreams and the things that make you tick. That was a huge gift. I feel like its an unfinished story and its hard to let go now, like this. But, it doesn't change what was. There was nothing spectacular about our friendship and we were mismatched.... but, we were alone together in that crazy fucked up world... so much nicer to be alone with someone than by yourself. You had my back and I had yours. Even if you don't know it - I had yours, I really did. I copped so much for watching your back... but I didn't mind and I would have never complained to you about it. There's so much I didn't tell you about how some people were stabbing you in the back - I wanted to save you from the pain... I never knew if I was wrong to do that. Maybe? You made me want to be loyal to you anyway... It was nothing special - I think we'd have trouble with trying to have a friendship out of there - maybe you understood that and that's why you decided to end it on facebook - maybe you thought that would be painless whereas finding that we weren't compatible as friends outside of that hell-hole wouldn't be. It doesn't matter. You were good to me. You were the window that got opened when every door in the place got slammed in my face. We existed in multiple dimensions and every good thing was good - will always be. I think I'm at peace with things S. I'm confused and I don't understand really why you refused my request on facebook but it doesn't matter. We don't always get answers. I guess the only answer I need is to know that back then, in that place, in those times you were my lifeline and I appreciate that more than you'll ever know. |
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Posted by crashing_down on 2008-07-23 01:44:07 | Rating: | Views: 22
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to love a person os more painful than being love by someone..so why dont you choose a better person of your own. be what you are and be happy always. Why should you care a person who doesnt want your concern or doesnt care about you...be happy and take care god bless you
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Posted by GnR
on 2008-07-23 01:57:03
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