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| end of weekend - dazed out and headaches
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Dear Diary,
Its the end of the weekend and its like I haven't even been present - feel like I've been in a daze for two days. The whole thing with my crash on Friday night really knocked me around. That said I woke up with a hell of a headache this morning. Got up, had painkillers and went back to bed just bearing the pain 'cause I had to until I went back to sleep. Yesterday was pretty bad too - some strong headaches. Over this weekend I think I've had four doses of painkillers - a fair bit really.
When I think about it I guess I must have injured my neck in the crash on Friday. I know I hit the ground front on with my hands out and my head never touched the ground - at least I assume this - I did go blank for a while there. But, a fullface helmet is pretty heavy and I guess it would have carried my head forwards hard as I impacted the ground and keeping my head from hitting the ground probably meant I was pulling my neck up stiff - I guess I pulled muscles. It was hard to know it on the night though because of all the muscle tension I was already experiencing. But, my headaches over the weekend have been more intense and more in my temples where other headaches I had been experiencing tended to be located around the base of my skull. Other injuries - gravel rash, sore thumb - maybe sprained, and general upper body stiffness. Still, not too bad.
I emailed D today - had to share my account of events on Friday with someone and get some feedback - get some perspective. He just emailed me back. He recommended I try to forget the whole night. He really didn't seem to think I should be put off racing with the kids... that one surprises me a bit because he's got kids... I think its a topic for an ongoing conversation though. He didn't think it was unreasonable to ask to ride with the 30+ cruisers - that's something I definately wanted an opinion on. I know now I'm not gonna want to have to discuss with the nominations people at the next clubby what I went through and why I don't wanna race kids anymore but I feel 100% certain that its not unreasonable for me to ask to ride with the cruisers. They are the only adult class and I am an adult - surely that's gotta be fair enough.
We went and visited A's dad last night. He seemed genuinely happy to have our company and seemed to enjoy talking cameras with me. Not a bad way to spend a Saturday night really. We are going to see some middle eastern and gypsy music concerts with him in the next month or so. It was all his idea so a good sign I'd say - I know it doesn't mean he's necessarily beating the depression but I think planning things and doing things does help him a bit - even if only for short periods of time.
Other than those things there's really nothing to report. I've really just existed today - just waiting out the bad headaches... hoping everything will be better tomorrow and I'll use the day well. Yeah, pretty much any moment where I wasn't in a daze I was thinking about racing Friday night... also thinking about how things would have sat with other people at the club - whether people would "blame" me... think anything of it - even give it a second thought.
If I'm honest with myself I think I need some time off from racing - to recover emotionally and get some distance. In the meantime though I think it would help my confidence to get some long street rides in and some weekend practice at the track - when I can get the place to myself. I asked D about the open day at my club and he even said I might be better off skipping this one - no rush... I'm glad to hear it from him. Like I said I think I need time away from it. I want to go back slowly with little to no intensity. In the past I thought I'd at least turn up at an open day to do volunteer work or get some photos... now I don't even know that I'd want to be there. I'll wait to see how I feel closer to the time.
What I'm thinking about right now is just keeping to myself for a bit. Over this next week I need to get my bike up on a bench and give it a thorough going over - check for damage from the crash - do any repairs that might be required. Maybe by the end of the week with my hand bandaged up get back on the bike and get some rides in. I'm also thinking of maybe designing a custom plate. I don't really feel like I'm a member of that club - maybe mainly because it seems like there's no place I fit there - the young kids are too small and I don't want to race them anymore because there's too much risk of hurting them - the adult men are too big and powerful... I know I won't fit with them but that's where I'm looking now. I guess because I don't really fit at the club I just wanna go it alone - maybe ditch my club plate and just have a personal plate that doesn't tie me to anything. And, I won't be getting a club jersey or anything - I just wanna be me, independant of everything. A member of the club as a formality. I think I will try to go to the club nights of other clubs - spread myself around a bit over time if I can. This has been an ongoing thing for me - reminds me of my childhood - I never fit anywhere... well... in adulthood I never have either but... this is one place you really stick out like a sore thumb if you don't fit in. I can't just blend in anywhere - I am so visible... and painfully aware of it.
Yeah - I wonder... and torture myself. What do others at the club think? In the past it has occurred to me that their might be parents watching from the sidelines who feel angry or feel their child is threatedned by being in the same division as me... I don't know these things but it seems feasible to me. I don't know anyone at all. I have no chance to find out what people are talking about. I guess I shouldn't care... I should just know myself and my intentions and have confidence because I know I'd never want to hurt anyone. Its like J said - you've gotta be yourself and you've gotta be confident with being yourself. He said people can sense fear - like dogs - you absolutely can't show fear... can't let them think for a moment you're not fully confident about yourself. I know I am weak for wondering and thinking about and worrying about what others at the club may have decided about me - what judgements they may have made without even knowing me.
Okay... the other thing I'm having trouble coming to terms with right now is being treated like shit by such young children. They need a clip around the ears... not from me though - from their parents. I feel like there's nothing I can do - I shouldn't enter into idiotic exchanges with small, bratty children - its for their parents to bring them in line. And... I wanna race hard - if someone puts their elbow into me I want to give back as good as I got ... but not when it's kids - when its kids doing it I wanna march them up to their parents and tell their parents about what they're doing. You see? Kids and me just isn't gonna work out. I'm never gonna handle them cooly and get their respect. They're always gonna want to walk all over me - always gonna think they can. I think the best I can do is ignore them. What's the fun in a social sport if you have to ignore the people you're competing with? I'd rather ride against adults - at least they're gonna give me a level of respect no matter what unless they're psychotic in which case they don't actually give anyone respect. You see - all of this is a hurdle for me right now. At first I thought I'd learn new skills to deal with it all - now I'm seeing I'm only ever gonna drown in this bullshit. Anyway - I don't want it - don't need it.
I'm having more painkillers... and questioning my own thought process already. Maybe I should strap my hand up good on Wednesday and go down to the track - even if just for twenty minutes. Just face whatever bullshit may come to me - do it - get it over with. Or, maybe go and find that there's no bullshit to deal with. It may be a case of the sooner I do that the easier it will be to go back to the club later. Something to consider anyway. Also though, I've gotta keep reminding myself - I've had a neck injury (well, hope its that and not a head injury) and I really need to give that one time...
Yeah.... I guess its hard to think clear with such a sore head and with such raw emotions - I mean, not that raw... but the wounds are still fresh and I'm still beating myself up over things. For tonight I just need to go to bed - the painkillers should kick in soon and that should give me at least 4 hours of untroubled sleep. I hope I will wake up feeling good - normal. Then tomorrow I'll go through the last chapter of that business book. If I still have time after that maybe the next thing to do is give my bike a preliminary inspection. And... maybe after that if I bandage my hand up well perhaps I can get back to my jewellery work - tentatively and carefully.
Also, high priorities for this week are to order a new bike seat and get some wrist guards. Both probably gonna be a challenge to source. Hmmm... oh yeah, also gotta think about gifts for L and R. (Wonder how many times I've said that before).
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Posted by crashing_down on 2008-07-20 09:22:41 | Rating: | Views: 22
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