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Dear Diary,
I need to keep my mind busy tonight because I'm not doing real well. We went to a gathering of family on my mother's side to catch up with my cousin who has been overseas for the last few years and is back for a short visit. I always feel like such a moron. They are such a cultured and reserved group of people I feel like nothing more than a speck of dirt on the floor. They don't try to make me feel that way or anything - I can feel that on my own. I can't make conversation with people so I throw comments in here and there - lame, unimportant - politely treated as such.... And... awkward silences... even with my little brother who used to look up to me as a kid and do things like I did... feels like, on days like today, he just wants to shake me off. I hate myself for that. I can't speak to the room of people. I can only speak to one person at a time... I know this shits everyone.... I'm never sure which is worse - to get in one's persons ear and make conversation or to sit on the sidelines with my mouth mostly shut... either way I know I'm lame and annoying. I feel stunted. Pop kinda covered for me today - couldn't get everyone's attention to say I was leaving so he did it for me - the beautiful person he is... but, damn, I should be standing on my own two feet. I love that man - will miss him so much when he's gone. It hurts so bad that I respect and admire him so much and can't express it and always feel like a big idiot each time after I've left - because of how gracious and forgiving he's been and how braindead I've been.... its so wrong. I'm too broken and filthy to be there... I feel like the best thing I could do for these people is not be there. I want to be the one who goes overseas and is allowed to be away from all these family gatherings. It gets worse every time. Its so damn lame. I cringe when I think about it all and I curse myself endlessly. I hope this gets it out of my system and off my mind for a bit - even if just for tonight... tomorrow is another day and I'll get through it one step at a time when/if it comes. Now... the best thing for me to do would be to get into bed and read that Henry Rollins book until I'm ready to drop of - to cram that into my mind hard - to try to drown everything else out.
Good night diary. |
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Posted by crashing_down on 2008-07-05 09:36:51 | Rating: | Views: 29
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hi crashing!
to be honest, i really doubt that you are as 'lame' as you portray yourself!
some people are just more comfortable in certain social situations than others are. i am terribly shy at one-on-one conversation but i can give a talk before a room full of people! how crazy is that?
you should never ever fault yourself for just being you. everyone is different and everyone has their own qualities.
good luck!
:)
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Posted by badlydrawnstickman
on 2008-07-05 13:06:22
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