I saw something written here on thoughts recently and its been bugging me.  I read some responses to a survey where one of the questions was who acts more mature on here - older or younger people?  In someone's response they argued older people here act more immature and mentioned that they read a post recently where some adult was carrying on about being bullied.. there was some exclamation something like "a bully - like they'd been kicked in the shins by a school bully".... I don't know - my paraphrasing might be wrong... it might be more about what I read into it than what it actually said anyway.  Its been bugging me.  Its possible this person was reading one of my posts and it was one of my posts they were referring to - they had left a comment on one of my blogs in recent times.  Its not bugging me so much that they MIGHT have read one of my blog posts and that might be what they're talking about.  You know... its kinda like - so what?  My blog is about me... yeah, there's probably a lot of "childish" feelings coming out but I'd rather vent them here than to the people around me.  Anyway, writing for me is about getting things in perspective - you start raw, you review it, you shape it - you grow.

The thing that has been bugging me is that there may be some adults around who don't understand that adults do get bullied.  I've asked myself a million times why I've allowed myself to be bullied and I'm starting to answer some of my own questions... unfortunately I'm not coming up with answers as to how to stop it in future.  I'm wondering too if the type of adult who doesn't understand that other adults gets bullied is possibly a bully themself - this is certainly not an attack on anyone here who has posted anything to indicate they don't believe in it - its just a pondering for me.

I didn't have an easy time of things in primary school - apparently there has always been something inherantly wrong with me that makes people want to pick on me.  The teachers did it, the kids did it, their parents did it.  It hurt but it was mostly verbal and I just coped with it from day to day.  There was this one girl in the year above me however who used to like to follow me around and throw rocks at me... I guess that's the picture people get mainly when they think of bullies - being physically attacked.  I felt threatened when she was around but I actually haven't carried the weight of that bullying around with me for the rest of my life.  It just seemed obvious to me that she had problems.  I was unfortunate enough to end up at the same high school as her for one year and she still got her kicks out of throwing things at me - mainly her lunch rubbish... and, only when I was alone - I had friends and if I stuck with them she left me alone.  Later my brother was at a high school with her older brother and her father was teaching there - it transpired that the whole family behaved strangely and the father displayed primitive, brutish behaviour in his dealings with people.  It kinda painted a picture.  I knew there was something wrong with my bully - I guess it was the environment she was raised in.  But, like I said before - I didn't really feel that bullied by her - I just felt the immediate threat when she was around but I didn't carry fear around with me.

After my first year in high school I moved to another high school and made some really good friends there.  They were the first people in my life who told me I was cool - just cool - not, I could be cool if....  At that point all the hurt of the verbal and underhanded attacks I'd endured at primary school started unravelling.  It became apparent to myself and my friends that I had got into a habit of holding back and expecting to be attacked.  I had been attacked verbally and underhandedly.... but most importantly these methods were ways to attack mentally and emotionally... and I'd carried it all with me.  With the support of my friends at high school I did pretty well and there was no more bullying - physical or mental or emotional.... I got above it all.

So... imagine my horror when the verbal, underhanded (mental/emotional) abuse started all over again in the workplace.  It knocked me for six 'cause I didn't think adults behaved like that.  I thought adults were.... adults.  And, well I've thought about it a lot - and especially over the last few days.  I've had a bit of a breakthrough - I've realised when things were worst for me in the workplace it wasn't just that one person was bringing me down - there was a whole string of people in management who were enabling them.  I don't feel like going into details but...  the main ways I've been bullied in the workplace is to be undermined.  To be sent to do a job and given specific instructions - to follow the instructions to the letter.... and then to be made to start all over again because the bully jumps on in and tells someone in management you've done it all wrong.  That's where the manager should actually manage and inspect the job, realise it was done as they instructed and tell the bully to settle down and go back to work.  BUT... these managers they get so lazy - to start with they don't check the job in question.... but more importantly they don't check the job 'cause they don't actually care - they let the bully be "right" so the bully is happy and goes away and leaves them alone for a while. 

Okay, and so lets consider the consequences when this is allowed to happen over and over and over.  For me - I'll talk about how this type of thing affects me.  I feel like I'm gagged - if I defend myself it will come across like I can't handle being told I'm wrong, if I don't defent myself I know that the bullying will continue.  Sometimes I've defended myself to be told by the manager that they know the other person is a bully and that they undermine but that we all just find it easiest to let them have their way.  I've also had management acknowledge their (bully's) behaviour and then tell me they can't help it because its their personality and is due to their cultural background, their gender... or menopause.  I start to get around with my head down because it seems every day I can't do anything right.  The lines between a well done and poorly done job begin to blur - every possible way I do something I'm told its wrong.  I get confused.  I feel like I can't do anything right.  My confidence drops.  I worry that I will get fired as my manager seems convinced I'm useless.  I consider applying for other jobs but feel like I'm too worthless to be able to get another and besides until I improve at the job I'm in I won't be able to get a good reference from my current employer.

Sometimes at this stage I consider just losing my shit at the bully.  Having it out.  Having a big confrontation in front of everyone.  I know everyone would know exactly what its about.  And I know everyone would be shocked to see such a quietly spoken person who hasn't been able to look anyone in the eyes for months from shame to suddenly spark up.  But I don't do it.  I never do it.  I feel like I'm in a desperate situation.  I can't burn that bridge - I need to hang onto the job while I apply for others - leave it calmly.... be able to go back for a reference. 

And I always feel trapped by that - references are important - I know it.  I don't think I've ever got a job where my references weren't checked.  I've even sometimes had my references checked in front of me whilst in the interview. 

So... I plod on.  So full of shame.  So broken.  Confused.  I feel like I will break and I wonder if my family will still want to know me.

And... the word "bully".  I don't like it.... yeah, it does seem like it should be the reserve of the school yard.  But... what can you do? - the behaviour continues in the workplace.  You talk to your friends and tell them about how you're being treated and there's always names for them - mainly asshole - that's what most of my friends always called them.  But... in the end, the one word "bully" says it all - no more explanation required.... well... that's what I thought until I read that post here on thoughts.  But anyway, I've been to so many bullying and harassment workshops by employers - they put these things on and think it cancels out their behaviour when they enable bullying behaviour.  In these workshops the correct terminology seems to be "bully".  Its what they talk about.  There's a checklist.  How many times have I looked down those checklists and been able to tick all the boxes?  Too many.  If it was only once it would still be too many.

Sometimes, before it gets too much and it comes down to my own survival that I need to think about I'll give these bullies my sympathy.  I'll spend time trying to work out what it is that makes them behave this way.  I always feel like its about them controlling the situation... I know the only time I really feel a desperate need to control a situation is when I fear the outcome if I don't control it.  So, I feel like these people must be living in fear.  But... they don't behave like that really.  It seems mostly its habit - where do these habits start?  How could they?  I get confused and start to feel more and more distant.  Like we are from different planets.  I realise that we have different standards - different things we hold true.  I feel like if everyone looks after everyone then in the end you don't need to look after yourself really 'cause you'll be looked after.  They feel like its all about number one.  Either system could work in isolation but they don't work together.

Sometimes I find myself replaying scenarios in my head and trying to come up with better ways to respond.  I still haven't come up with a better way.  I don't want to lose myself by becoming a hardened arsehole myself.  I feel... and I feel like that's the most important thing - I don't wanna kill it and have it slip away.  I fantasize about jumping up and yelling at the arsehole/ bully (whichever way you like it) and just walking out.  Burning my bridges.  But... it'd still be stupid to do - you still need a next job.  Each job is a stepping stone to the next.... you can't just leave things off your resume 'cause they didn't work out or you have holes in your history.... and.... you can't expect a favourable reference when you jump up and react and act like an arsehole yourself...  What can you do?  I still feel trapped.  I still feel like the best thing I can do is try to identify these people really quick when I go to a new organisation and then avoid them like the plague.  But... the problem is - they choose their victims.... and once they sink their claws in they don't let go... 

I seem to make a good victim.  Maybe its because I freeze like a deer in the headlights.  Maybe its 'cause I have that dilemna about defending myself and looking like I can't take criticism.  Maybe its 'cause I'm socially lazy and try to avoid and walk away from these situations rather than deal with them... maybe also 'cause I don't know how to.  Bullies seem good at picking off the weak.  I'm weak - I don't deny it.  But... I don't take responsibility for an areshole who feels the need to behave like an arsehole.  Bullies do exist.  Adults do get bullied.  If you've been there you know its true.