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Lately I've been having a lot of dreams about my wife. Some of you know things that have been going on with her from my previous blog entries and some of you don't. Basically, about 5 months ago, my wife and I split up. I was deployed at the time it happened and came home to find out that she was with another guy. We continued to live under the same roof for 3 months and then I was getting deployed again in February.
Those 3 months that I was home were some of the roughest months of my life. The entire time that I was there, she was seeing someone else. It hurt everytime she left to go out because I knew she wasn't even going out to dinner or to a movie or to have fun. She would go over to his place and just be there with him. The entire time I wanted to be with her, have her sitting in my arms while we watched a movie or watched tv. I was always regretting how I lost out on all of those chances when I had her. She loved me at one time and I lost her because I was a complete asshole to her. Everyday I wish I could get her back.
So lately I've been having these dreams about her. Yesterday I woke up because of a dream involving her. In the dream she had told me that she was no longer seeing anybody and that she had finally decided that she wanted to be with me. I was so happy that I went and started talking to her sister about it. Her sister said to me, "Well she definitely isn't cheating anymore." And I asked, "What do you mean?" Her sister proceeded to tell me, "Well, he is my best friend now, so I don't consider it cheating." Realizing that she was talking about this guy, I got upset and kicked out a window and then woke up.
Last night I had a dream that I came home and my wife was taking a shower. She opened the door and she was standing there in a towel. I grabbed her and kissed her so passionately and I could feel her lips and face pushing back with the same pressure. She was kissing me back and I loved every moment of it. I grabbed her ass and lifted her up and she stopped me. She told me that she still wanted to see other people to be sure that she was happy. She then told me that she wasn't going to have sex with me until she knew it was for sure. Then I woke up.
I don't know why I am having these dreams. It just started recently. I was okay with things before. I would talk to her and be able to hear her voice, which still soothes me to this day. Our daughter would be in the background making noise like kids do and I would be happy to hear that things are okay back home. I think it may be because I haven't been able to call back home to make sure things are okay. I usually call once a week, but haven't been able to this week.
I've emailed her to tell her how I feel and how much I wish I could take back some of the things of the past. I told her that I wish she could feel the way I do so that she can understand how sincere I am when I say that I want her in my life and to be by my side. She hasn't emailed me back..
I just don't know how to keep her off my mind. In all honesty though, I don't want her off my mind. I just wish she would give me something to live for. It hurts everyday knowing that she might be spending her time with somebody else when it could be me. |
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Posted by crash413 on 2008-03-30 11:30:00 | Rating: | Views: 100
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hi crash!
wow - that's gotta be uncomfortable living like that...i was in a similar situation once but not the same - took me about a year to get over it.
i think that it's important in things like this to realise that certain decisions have already been made and acted on...it is impossible to undo them now. for example, having considered all things, your wife moved ahead with her relationship. there is probably nothing that is going to be done now to put your relationship with her back on track.
what is important for you...and this is just my opinion...is to internalise that as a fact and begin whatever process that you need to go through that will free you of that situation and begin to move on and enjoy life.
...good luck!!
cheers.
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Posted by badlydrawnstickman
on 2008-03-30 14:42:58
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Well, the thing that keeps me hanging on is that every so often, she will say something that tells me she still wants us to be together.
When I deployed, I was good with things. Then I called her after like a week or so away and she started the conversation off by saying that she was laying in bed thinking that if we both could forget about the past, then we would be able to be together without any problems.
Her thinking that tells me that there is still something in there for me.
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Posted by crash413
on 2008-03-30 15:06:25
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...again i don't know the situation...but residual feelings can play havoc with our real perspectives and emotions...i dunno crash...it just seems really dicey to me and i'm trying to be positive just the same...:o(
...good luck however things work out.
cheers!
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Posted by badlydrawnstickman
on 2008-03-30 21:25:44
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maybe a little persepctive from a womans side: If it's true love, then the pain you've put each other through melts away. Eye Candy put me through abandonment and straight rejection, but I don't see that when I look at him now. It did take time (4 years to be exact) to heal those wounds, which may be what you 2 need, but if it's real, then you will find your way back to each other again, and it will be as if you never lost one another, with the exception of a better understanding of what you had with her from the beginning.
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Posted by otherwoman
on 2008-04-02 13:25:33
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