As the Beauty began to pull herself from her post partum, my attitude as well began to improve. But the life of a homemaker is an unending one, and she desired more then just what lay outside of our walls. My friends had become her friends, but she desired to have some friends of her own. Not a big deal in its own right. But the Beauty prefered male friends to female ones. Stating she didnt like all of the drama most female friends brought with them. Thats understandable I told myself. Much later i began to realise she craved attention from people. And being a beautiful woman it was easy for her to get attention from men. Even if she had no intention on doing anything with them. She still liked the fact that they flirted and douted on her. She often was alittle to friendly at times for my liking, but as this whole process took place I also began to become jealous that her attentions were not concentrated on me. My jealousy turned into distrust, my distrust into anger, and finally my anger in to a need to control. I could no longer take her word that she was just friends with these couple of guys whom she had adopted as her friends. No longer took her word that she was being faithful. She gave me no reason to doubt, i found no proof of infidelity no matter how hard i looked. But still I didnt trust her. Back then i didnt understand how two people of the opposite sex, one of whom is single just stay platonic friends. I understand now how such things are done, but then, it was a lost concept to me. It purely just a matter of respect for one another. But my jealousy insured that i could not see that.

It wasnt soon after that i was giving her the thrid degree, whenever she showed up late. or her phone rang, or when she spent time with her friends while i was at work. A few times i would come home unexpectedly early trying to catch her in something. But to no avail.

So some time passed, her friendships continued, and we started to argue, mainly when i would interrogate her about what she had been doing, with whom, and how long. And so the time came when she started to be afraid of me. I would say things to make her feel bad, make her feel she was doing wrong. Or that all of this was her fault. As much as I want to say my actions were justified or but reasons behind them. I have learned that using words like "but" or "because" is your mind trying to sub-consciously make an excuse. So I will refrain from putting any justification behind it. All that matters is what i did, just to make sure she felt as bad as i did.

But there came a day when it was finally to much for me, and I told her "I cant do this anymore, your going to have to leave." She had family she could go to, but decided to stay with one of her guy friends. Later that same day we talked again, and decided to spend a night apart and see if we wanted to continue. So she packed up her and our sons things and left. Not certain if she would ever return. I tried going to work, and found i was unable to cope with my decision and went home for the day. I thought much on what had been occuring and decided that I was being foolish. She gave me no reason to doubt her, why make something out of nothing. So she came home the next day and reconciled. And things went great for the next 7 weeks. Then came the day she told me she was pregnant. We had alot of sex, both before and after that fight. But i couldnt shake from my mind the one night she spent in the home of another guy. Only to tell me about 7 weeks after the fact that she was pregnant. We didnt use protection, but even as I sit here typing this I am only 95% certain that our second son is mine. I have had no paternity test, the Beauty doesnt object to giving me one. Over a year and a half, has gone by since that argument and she still stands firm that she didnt sleep with her friend. But then why do i doubt?

The day she told me she was pregnant made things worse for me. I no longer wanted to go out, do things with family and friends. And when I did go out I didnt want to be there. I was confused about my life, and worried. No one of my bloodline has ever turned out to be anything other then a failure at life. I turned out the best of them. And im living in my friends basement. No family, no kids, no love. But time passed in her second pregnancy, which was much harder on her then her first. We ended up moving to a different place finally. A home of our own. But we still argued. I still didnt want to do anything other then sit in front of the computer, have sex, work, and sleep. But I managed to still do somethings with the Beauty and our first son. Her pregnancy culminated and on May 21st our second son Aiden was born. He came out, started to cry, and I did nothing. No tears, no smile, just nothing. I stood there and stared at him. My fear looking me in the face. I quickly shook myself from my trance and smiled and started taking pictures and everything else proud papa's do. But inside i was confused. I didnt get to stay long. I had to go take care of our oldest son Mason. No family took the day off to come pay homage to our new addition, no one was willing to watch him so i could stay in the hospital with the Beauty and our new child, like i was able to the first time. Few people called. Even less vistied. And i got to sleep in our bed alone. With no othe thought in my mind other then why no one cared about my son being born. I felt cheated, unwanted, cast aside. None of her family came to see her, or the baby. None of mine even called. She stayed only one day in the Maternity Ward, unlike last time where she spent three days.

I was worried she was going to go through post-partum depression again. So this time I withdrew so she would have to handle the baby. I would pretend to sleep when he started to cry, just lay there with my eyes closed, fully aware of what was going on. Sometimes I would wait 10 minutes before she finally got up. I still took my turns with the baby. But i only got up half the time. I made sure of it. I would wake up everytime, but would wait for her to get up to do her share. It wasnt long before my body got accidently trained to not get up at all, and I would just stay asleep. To this day I feel horrible for it. And soon after I started to retrain myself to get up, after those first 6 weeks passed. But for some reason I was still withdrawn. Still not wanting to go out with my family and do things. I just wanted to be left alone. Did I not want Aiden? Im not sure, I love him deeply, I cant imagine what life would be like if he didnt exsist. I look for answers on this daily. Even now I still have no idea why i withdrew. But i assumed everything would be back to normal when i was doen with whatever attitude change I had undergone.

The Beauty would plead with me to go do things with them. To go out and visit friends, grandparents, whatever. Just get out of the house. Sometimes I did, but when I did, i would have rather been back home.