Frequently in my counseling, I hear people say something like, "I think it is time for us to end this.  We have begun arguing all the time."

Our Oprahized society believes that arguing is wrong.  In fact, a man arguing with a woman (though, interestingly enough, NOT a woman arguing with a man!) is an act of "domestic violence."

But there is arguing and there is arguing.

When a lawyer presents the evidence and asks the court for certain relief for his client, he is arguing his case.  When a philosopher presents a cogent, logical discourse which insists that a certain viewpoint must be right, he is said to be presenting an argument.  In an essay, the statement of the thesis is followed by the argument - a reasoned presentation which backs up what is asserted in the thesis.

What all of these illustrations have in common is that argument is a means of presenting one person's views in an attempt to arrive at the truth.  When the lawyer has finished his argument, the jury will weigh all of the evidence, determine what is true, and will render a verdict.  When the philosopher has presented his argument, another philosopher will come along and evaluate or rebut it.  When the essay writer has finished his argument, he will submit it for evaluation to an editor or teacher.

Arguing, then, is not a bad thing when it is done in an attempt to arrive at the truth.

Unfortunately, when people argue, especially within a family or relationship context, the truth gets lost in everybody standing up for their own rights.

When an argument is a means of getting one's own way, it is indeed a destructive force.  This is an argument used as a weapon - an argument used to bludgeon someone into accession to our own will.  This is an argument with closed ears and mind, but open mouth.  This type of argument does not seek the truth - it seeks the surrender of the other person.

But an argument in which people passionately, even heatedly, present their view of a situation with a mind toward seeking the truth, an argument can be a positive thing.  This is an argument in which we may passionately stand up for ourselves, but in which we also listen to the other person and treat him fairly.  This is an argument that seeks the solution to a problem rather than one that seeks to have our own way.

Arguing can be a sign of a healthy relationship - it shows that both people still have the concern about the relationship to invest spiritual and emotional energy into it.  But we should always remember that an argument - just like a court case - involves presentation by two parties and an objective evaluation of both sides.  Anything less than this is a poisonous and destructive force.

The Bible says, "Be ye angry, and sin not - let not the sun go down upon your wrath" (Eph. 4:26).  Why does the apostle insist that our anger be put aside by bed time?  Perhaps to make sure that our arguments are always about finding solutions - not about getting our own way.