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| How much longer can I take this? |
The funny thing about my relationship with my girlfriend is in a way things are so drama-free between the two of us. It almost makes me want to laugh at all those poor saps, who are in relationships where arguments run rampant. I mean, I've known couples who have done everything short of taking chainsaws to each other's heads. Yet they stay together! With my g/f and I, it's virtually the opposite. Our arguments have been few and far between. Actually, I'm not sure if you can even classify them as arguments. They were more like minor disagreements.
On the other hand, I feel like I've been thrown into a tank full of sharks...and I don't know to swim! Why such a stark contrast? Well, for those of you who haven't read my previous entries (and who could blame you?), my g/f has three kids. She has a 9-year-old daughter and two twin 4-year-old sons. Now, I am a man in his late 20's, who is planning on having kids when I'm...hmmm...65. Give or take a few years. OK, it's a tossup between having kids when I'm elderly or getting a vasectomy. The more time I spent with these kids, the more I lean towards the latter option.
Is it because my g/f's kids are holy terrors? Not at all. They're fucking kids! Show me a group of kids who aren't hyper and don't cry all the time and don't bitch and moan when they don't get what they want. OK, they do exist, but 9 times out of 10 they come from troubled families and are more than a bit disturbed. You know, those Children of the Corn-type kids.
I admit that I have a low threshold for noise and disruption. I don't consider it to be a personality flaw. What am I supposed to do? Blame my parents for raising me in an easygoing household? I'm an only child, so I never had to deal with the aggravation of siblings. I have the type of dad who would play classical music, as he'd kick his feet up and gradually drift off to sleep. Therefore, whenever I'm in a situation where I'm forced to endure...how do I say this?..."unnecessary loudness," I'm ready to have a fucking seizure!
Hell, I'd move to some rural area where I'm surrounded by nothing but farmland if I had the money. I somewhat envy people in those situations. I'm sure one would argue: OK, so you complain about tolerating loud noise, yet you don't mind being in a dive bar with loud rock music blasting through the jukebox speakers? Yes, there is some loud noise that I can take and some that I love. Hell, maybe if some scantily clad chick got up to dance to "Pour Some Sugar on Me" when one of my g/f's sons cries his eyes out--I might be able to take it better. Again, for those un-initiated to my blog, that's a reference to Coyote Ugly; which (aside from being a popular movie) is a kick-ass bar in New York City that I frequent. There's a place where loud noise is appropriate. A rock concert is a place where loud noise is appropriate. Dinner is not a fucking time when fucking loud noise is fucking appropriate!!! That's one fucking thing I couldn't fucking stand ever since I've started eating dinner with my g/f's kids. Did anybody ever teach fucking kids that dinner is a time to sit down and fucking eat?!!!! For fuck's sake, I get pissed off when people expect me to constantly keep in conversation with them over dinner. If I go to the fucking dinner table, I go there to fucking eat! That's what fucking dinner is for! Sorry for going on that Sam-Kinnison-esque rant. I'm just very passionate about food. It's no mystery why I was nearly 250 pounds for a long time. As long as you don't fuck with my eating time and my drinking time, you're in my cool book.
Being that I live alone, I'm used to coming home and hearing nothing but the crickets chirping. A beautiful sound, isn't it? The sound of silence. It's not like I've kept all this aggression completely pent-up. I've told my g/f several times that her kids become a bit too rowdy for me to endure. I haven't brought it up frequently, though, because I try to bring it up in a way where it doesn't sound like I'm offending her kids. Because I'm not offending her kids! I'm just saying that I myself can't stand kids! Well, OK, I do have my moments. For a man with as guilty a conscience as mine, it's a bit of a Catch-22. On one hand, I don't want to deal with the stress of listening to her kids yelling and crying. On the other hand, her boys really do like me, and I like them. I burst into tears once when my g/f told me that one of her twins referred to me as his "best adult friend." We do have some fun times together. I had TONS of fun when we all had a watergun/waterballoon fight. I definitely have my moments with kids. The problem is I get burnt out easily. Kids NEVER burn out. They're like fucking wind-up toys. They don't stop for one fucking second! With me, on the other hand, I can be this big ball of energy one second, and the next second I'll be brushing the kids away--telling them to leave me the hell alone.
In my previous entry, I discussed getting terminally plastered at Coyote Ugly last week and almost putting the moves on this cute redhead. It's times like that where my gut is telling me: Dude, you need a break from all this stress. Ask this chick out! She doesn't have kids, she's about your age, she doesn't have a weight problem. Go for it! But I couldn't go through with it. OK, part of that would probably be due to my lack of skills when it comes to picking up chicks. I sometimes joke to myself that it suits me that I'm in a relationship right now. That way I don't have to feel like a loser when some hot chick slips through my fingers. It saves me the One-That-Got-Away Syndrome. Hey, I may be relatively good-looking, but I'm still basically a nerdy guy. When I get home, I'm probably gonna sit on my couch and play Resident Evil 4. Oooh, Resident Evil 4. Blowing zombies heads off. I hear that works like Spanish Fly! I like to play video games, I'm a movie buff, I do the crossword puzzle every morning, I was an A/B student throughout school, I never got into trouble with the law. Oh yes, I forgot to mention that I don't have a hell of a lot of money, I'm working a temp job, and I don't have a car. Ooooh, I'm gonna have to beat these babes off with a stick! Yes, so for all you ladies out there who think I'm on the verge of cheating, name one hot babe who'd be willing to have an adulterous affair with me. And if you know them personally, please send me their cell numbers and e-mail addresses....Just kidding, of course.
Like I've mentioned earlier in the entry, my g/f and I have rarely fought. I've been in FLINGS where we've done more fighting than our 13-month relationship! I admit that I'm not somebody who enjoys confrontation. So what? To each their own. Name a commandment that says "Thou Shalt Not Avoid Confrontation." Is it a sin to want to live a peaceful, easygoing life? That's why it's probably good that I haven't been in a ton of relationships. Some people, whether they admit it or not, WANT drama in their lives. You know who the fuck you are. I'm not one of those people. I'm almost considering living out in a cave somewhere. 'Cause people fucking suck.
Aside from the fact that my g/f and I rarely fight, she is an extremely loving person. I wake up next to her in the morning, and her face lights up like a Christmas tree. She gives me that smile that says: I'm the happiest woman in the world to be with this guy. NO other woman has ever given me that smile. I've never felt like she was trying to take advantage of me. She's never made me spend inordinate amounts of cash on her. As a matter of fact, she's probably spent just as much (if not more) money on me as I've spent on her. She doesn't give a damn if I don't have a car, despite the fact that she lives about 45 minutes away. She has no problem driving to my apartment! And did I mention her face lights up when she smiles?
There are very few things about her that honestly get on my nerves. OK, so she sometimes makes silly jokes in silly voices that I cannot find funny. Oh well. Not everybody's sense of humor is as dark as mine. I think beating the shit out of random people on the street, while I'm playing Grand Theft Auto, is funny. I think the scene in Reservoir Dogs where Mr. Blonde talks into the cop's ear after severing it off is hilarious! But the woman does have kids. You need to be silly to make kids laugh! That's another reason why I shouldn't be a parent. If I had a jingle a pair of keys in front of a kid to make him laugh, I'd choke on my own vomit.
As I've encountered more of her episodes, my g/f's temper is not always pretty either. Luckily, her anger is not frequently directed at me. I think her fuse is a tad too short at times, but still she's not nearly as much of a drama queen as most of the women I meet. Even when it's that time of the month, she doesn't turn into a monster. Makes me wonder. Do some women use that shit as an excuse? Hmmm...maybe they just choose one day of the month to be bitches and get away with it.
Finally, as I've mentioned in previous entries, I do wish that my g/f would shed a few pounds. OK, more than a few. She's not obese, but she's certainly not average! At the same time, how do you keep in shape when chasing after three kids? That's not to mention she gave birth to twin boys, and happens to appear heavier than she really is (on account of the "twin skin"). Hell, I don't have any kids, and I find it hard to make time for the gym. What the fuck am I supposed to do? Tie her ass to a Goddamn treadmill?
Her humor and anger issues are minor quibbles of mine. However, I can't deny that the weight issue is a problem with me. Basically, her weight and her "maternal" situation are my two major problems. I can't say the weight situation is completely unavoidable, but tackling it is easier said than done. It's not like she's gonna go to the gym 5 times a week, a month passes, and I suddenly wake up next to Cindy Crawford. As for her having kids...that's something I have to learn to cope with or else.
In other words, I'm quite conflicted (hence, my screen name) about this relationship. Part of me wants to stick it out and deal with the kids. I could stop going to her house, in order to avoid them. But her kids will be part of her life, no matter what. And they will always come first to her, no matter what. Am I saying I should come first? Fuck no! If she gave these kids life, they deserve to be her number-one priority. All these parents who let the lives of their kids take a back seat to their romantic relationships should be shot in the face. Still, it would be nice to be in a relationship where I don't have to wait 2 hours for my g/f to put her kids to bed, in order to spend some time with her.
I also feel a bit weird when I tag along on their family outings. It's hard to explain why. Even now that her ex-husband has a girlfriend, it still feels a bit weird. It's like here's the mother, here are the three kids, here's the father, and--Oh, there's that guy. And--Oh, look! That guy is cuddling with the mother! She's having an affair with that guy! Holy shit! Plus, I can't escape the fact that her ex will always be part of her life, no matter what. It's not like when a girl dumps a b/f (assuming she has no kids with him). Once the relationship's over, it's over. The marriage may be over between my g/f and her ex...but there's her three kids...and two of them look EXACTLY like her ex!
If my g/f were a total bitch, I'd have no source of conflict. I would've bailed out this relationship eons ago. But I do love and care for her. I'm gonna have to get used to not seeing her radiant smile in the morning, and brushing the back of my hand against her cheek as she closes her eyes in ecstasy. I'm gonna have to get used to not seeing her awesome band play and not hanging out her awesome band-mates and not mingling with the band's awesome fans.
At the same time...it would be nice to visit a girl's house and not have to cope with massive screaming and yelling. Yeah, that would be nice...and would probably cut down on my liquor costs.
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