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| Battling sex addiction |
Now, I'd like to preface that this entry is for mature readers only. I don't mean "mature" simply in terms of age, but in mentality as well. The last thing I need is some fucker leaving comments about how pathetic I am. Hell, last time I checked, part of the intention of blogging to let loose a lot of the baggage that you tend to hide from people on a daily basis. If I need someone to remind me of how pathetic I am, I have myself for that.
As you can probably gather from the title, I am a sex addict. For those who don't know, it doesn't just consist of having lots of sex. Trust me, I wish I can say I'm like a fucking rock star, and have had sex with so many women that I don't remember the names of half of them. Sex addiction can take many forms: compulsive masturbation, watching pornography, going to strip clubs, going to massage parlors (at least the ones that offer "happy endings"), etc., etc., etc.
I'm sure part of the addiction is due to the fact that I had ZERO sex life until the age of 19, and became very repressed. Even past that age, I didn't have much of a "sex life." It just happens that 19 was the age when I lost my virginity...to a prostitute. Now, she was certainly a looker--to say the least! She was a voluptuous Cuban chick, who didn't speak a word of English. She had a GREAT pair of boobs! Despite her beauty, I can't help but be plagued by the fact that I lost my virginity to a prostitute! A great-looking one, but a prostitute nonetheless. I had to PAY to get laid the first time. That's fucking embarrassing! Really fucking embarrassing.
As I've explained in previous entries, I was overweight for most of my life. Of course, I still could've had some sort of dating life, but my self-esteem was below zero. I thought I was the ugliest fuck on the face of this planet, so how was I supposed to approach a girl with confidence? I could've just said to myself, Fuck it. I don't need to date some chick who looks like a fucking supermodel. After all, I was no looker myself. But I didn't think that way. All I could think was I'm fat and ugly, and no girl could possibly like me.
When I was about 21, I started frequenting strip clubs. I recall going to my first one--this all-nude joint that we refer to as a "juice bar" here in Jersey. They don't serve alcohol in all-nude strip clubs in this state, so that's why they're given that name. Anyway, I felt like a 5-year-old entering Disneyworld for the first time. I still remember the song that was playing: "Addicted" by Simple Plan. Being a sexually frustrated dude who had no social skills with women, I may as well have died and gone to heaven. The greatest thing about the place: Women actually flirted with me! Beautiful women actually flirted with me! As you can imagine, it was a pretty big ego-boost. As time went on, I realized that many of these women were probably lying their asses off just to squeeze more and more cash out of me. Therefore, the novelty wore off after a while, but not to the point where I stopped going to these clubs entirely.
There was one go-go bar that wasn't too far from where I lived. Though this wasn't an all-nude or topless joint (the dancers wore bikinis), the women were much more "liberal" with the lap dances. Over there, the dances took place in a dark room in the back. I don't think I've ever recalled bouncers looking over my shoulder as I was getting dances.
I developed an appreciation for one smoking-hot dancer. She was a short Hispanic chick with bleached blonde hair. She had really big (albeit surgically-enhanced) boobs. I mean, the fucking things felt almost like rocks, but I wasn't bothered. Well, to be quite honest, they probably wouldn't bother me now either. Anyway, I would get lap dances with her, and she would let me do various...things. It's not like we were having sex back there, but let's just say I was allowed to touch and kiss and lick and suck certain body parts of hers. Me being a sexually frustrated dude with no self-esteem, I would buy multiple lap dances from her. Even in this anonymous forum, I feel too ashamed to disclose the amount I spent.
So that was the bulk of my sex life. Well, it was more like a pseudo sex life. Eventually, I ended up losing a lot of weight (and becoming much more attractive). From that point on, I went to the clubs very sporadically. I didn't feel as much of a need to depend upon strippers for female attention. Still, I decided to drop into the go-go bar on one afternoon just for shits and giggles. Well, it was a different experience. I no longer felt like the strippers were flirting with me "just" to extract money from me. I seriously believed that they found me attractive. Let's face it: You go into a typical strip club and what do you see? A bunch of fat and/or ugly and/or hairy and/or old men. In other words, guys who look the way I used to look. Therefore, in the strippers' eyes, I must've looked like Leonardo DiCaprio. And from that point on, my strip club addiction slowly came back to surface.
Aside from my addiction to strip clubs, I've always been heavily addicted to pornography. Then again, how many guys aren't? I went to massage parlors a few times, though I've never been a frequent customer. Well...part of that is because the masseuses at the place closest to me aren't necessarily very attractive. Plus, the massages themselves aren't that great. What the fuck is it with these Asian masseuses trying to break your fucking bones as they massage you? Luckily, I've never visited a prostitute, other than the time I lost my virginity. I wish I can say it's due to my own good will, but honestly...I'm kind of a square when it comes to breaking the law. Even if I did know where to find a local whorehouse, I'd be shitting bricks the whole time thinking, What if they bust this place? I don't want to get arrested! I have engaged in phone sex many times. I've also participated in those adult webcam chats quite frequently. And I've done a lot of cybering and online role-play (I'm not talking about "Warcraft"). The only bars that I frequent are places that have hot-looking barmaids wearing next to nothing. In other words...I have a problem.
I have tried to get help. I've gone to S.A.A. (Sex Addicts Anonymous) meetings in a nearby town. I haven't attended the meetings in a great while, though. Right now, it would be an inconvenience, since my girlfriend usually comes over to spend the weekend with me. The meetings take place on Sunday nights at 7 P.M. But that wasn't the reason I stopped going.
I do admit that I have commitment issues, so it was hard for me to commit to attending these meetings on a weekly basis (especially with something of this intense nature). I made several excuses for myself. First of all, the majority of the guys at the meetings were guys who were married with kids. Therefore, I felt like a whiny little bitch complaining about my problems. I mean, if these guys were to cheat or visit prostitutes or frequent strip clubs--their marriages would be at stake! They'd get divorced, lose a ton of money, get tossed out on the street, their fucking kids would hate them. What would happen to me? My girlfriend would find out and she'd break up with me. Wow, what a tragedy.
For those who've never been to S.A.A. meetings, they're probably a little different than what you'd expect. Actually, when I started going for the first time, the devil on my shoulder was slightly hoping there would be some pretty females in the group. Heck, what if one of the girls had a "relapse"? If any of you have seen the movie "Choke," it doesn't give you a very accurate portrayal of these meetings (though I still liked the movie overall). In one of the opening scenes of that movie, Sam Rockwell's character is banging one of the girls from the meeting (who also happens to be his sponsor) in the bathroom, while the actual meeting is taking place! Unfortunately, that never happened during any of my meetings. I saw a female at only one meeting, and she wasn't in any way attractive. Other than her, all the attendees I've seen were guys. I'm in my late 20's, and most of the guys there were either twice my age or close to it. Like I've mentioned before, the bulk of them were married with kids. Most of them were hideous-looking. I mean, it's not like I wanted to cruise the meetings seeking hot-looking male sex addicts. My point is if I were to see a guy who looks like Leo DiCaprio in a S.A.A. meeting, I'd think to myself--No wonder! Every woman in the world must want to fuck him! That's when I learned that sex addicts were not simply people who had sex compulsively, and that I did in fact belong there.
The meetings were somewhat helpful, but I still kinda felt like I was wasting my time going to them. That was more based on my neuroses than the meetings themselves. First off, I tend to be very long-winded when expressing my feelings (as you can tell from my blog entries). So I felt like I was wasting people's time, especially with my trivial problems. Well, at least they were trivial compared to what these guys were going through. Some of them were cheating on their wives with prostitutes, and on the verge of getting divorced for Christ's sake! Secondly, something inside of me was telling me that my sex addiction wasn't that severe. Thirdly, I felt like I wasn't making any bit of effort to try to calm my addiction, so why did I even bother?
Now, I'm hoping I can return to the meetings sometime soon. They also have meetings in New York that take place during the week. They would be more convenient for me, time-wise, since I can always head over to them after work. However, I went to one meeting and realized it wasn't for me. At the S.A.A. meeting in Jersey, it was a pretty small group. The one in NY, however, consisted of 30-or-so people. Therefore, when it came time to share our feelings, we'd each be allowed about 3 minutes. One of the guys would actually time each person, and give a warning when time was almost up. I thought to myself, What is this--a football game? I'm sharing my fucking innermost feelings here!
I'm not exactly sure why, but I feel like my sex addiction has worsened lately. It may be partially due to being depressed over the past couple months. When you're depressed, what do you look for? A quick fix! Nobody gets depressed and craves to build a house.
It's gotten to the point where I've been "acting out" during work hours. The thing is I have a lot of downtime at my job. I work as a temp, so my job consists of waiting around until someone assigns me a task. During my downtime, I've been going to Internet chat-rooms and having...well...X-rated conversations with women online. Eventually, I end up going to the bathroom to "gratify" myself. Yes, I know. Very fucked up. What can I say? That's addiction for you.
I'm happy to say that I very rarely spend tons of money at a strip club anymore, but the money does add up. I have the "fortune" of working two blocks away from a strip club in New York. At the club, they have a $10 lunch special. It's a pretty damn good deal. The meal consists of soup or salad, an entree, and dessert. The entree selection contains food like steak and fillet Mignon. Stuff like that could run you over 40 bucks for Christ's sake! The bill amounts to more than 10 bucks, though. The drinks are 8 bucks a pop, and I usually tip the waitress 2 bucks. Plus, I usually end up getting one lap dance ($20). So it's more like a 40-dollar lunch, if you include the "extras."
As of now, I'm still not sure how to calm this addiction. I do have sex on a regular basis. The sex is good, though my girlfriend's body is far from perfect. Her body isn't close to as good as the ones on the strippers I've gotten lap dances from. I can't pretend as if I don't wish that I had a more attractive g/f with a tight body. But I don't know many woman who can rival my g/f personality-wise. Finding a smoking-hot girl who's not shallow and doesn't care if you have a car or a ton of money is a LOT easier said than done. Plus, how many of these babes will wake up next to me with massive smiles on their faces, as if they're the luckiest women in the world to be with me? So far, my g/f is the only one who has given me that smile.
If there are any men or women out there who are also battling sex addiction, or have battled it in the past, I would appreciate some advice. That would mean a lot to me. Since I'm iffy about attending the S.A.A. meetings at this point, I guess this is the next best thing.
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