In August 1995, my family of six moved to Mississippi from California. I didn't know what to expect in this move. Good things or bad things, I honestly didn’t know what to look forward to. However, as time progressed one thing became very obvious, my family was changing and not for the better. It affected me in a huge was o should I say more ways than one. I started lacking and became slothful in my home school work, by not completing my assignments and giving my mother a hard time. This was the results from the influences of my friends and me coveting there lives and life style. They basically lived the life of what to me was the perfect life to live. Which was the total opposite of my God center home: going to a real school, being able to date, go where they wanted to go, and etc. etc. That’s where my uncontentment as a preacher’s daughter took place (I actually hated and denied the title) and my depression started off. Not only did I covet their lives, I even covet their family. My family wasn’t all bad, that’s the sad part of thing whole thing. We were (and still) average family with disagreements, sickness, rebellion, argument, and etc. My father wanted nothing but the best for us and to live according to God’s word and will. Believe me he had is ways at times (still does and I still don’t understand them) but he was and still is a good, not perfect father that God had placed in our lives. My mother was your average “Brady Bunch Soccer mom.” By little by little I saw her spirit dying and there was nothing I could do to stop it. As for my siblings, at the time they were too young to grasp what was going on.
I let the influence and words of others pull me away from my family and God’s will for my life. I became upset with myself and who I was becoming, therefore, before I knew it I was deeply, emotionally depressed with myself. I even consider suicide. In my depression I also became weak to my surroundings. Satan even lead me to believe that I was the problem in my family and convinced me that no one wanted me, then the only way everyone will be happy again, was if I left. So, at age 18, on July 2000, I ran away from home; from that moment things just became worse. Once I left I didn’t know where I was going, what to do, or what was to become of me.
A lot went on within the time I was away from home: One, I ended up in some stranger’s apartment with a bunch of strange men and one female; living with strangers. Surrounded by prostitution, sex, lies, alcoholic drinking, drugs, and etc. Two, from there went to Pennsylvania to live with my grandmother and relatives from my mother’s side. It didn’t make things better. I lived a rebellious life style making things worse on my grandparents, who were already sick. Three, came back home to live with my parents (under the wrong motives), obviously I was still depressed and living in rebellion. Four, I moved from one friends home to the next. Living a life in night clubs, drinking alcohol, lying, stealing, fortification, and smoking drugs. Went to shelter from shelter, shacked up with a man and all. Five, I “proclaimed” I was going to so right by God because He blessed me with a job and my own apartment. God tested me and my motives on three accounts: 1. To see if I would be an influencer to others for Him or become influenced by the world, 2. Trust in Him and not lean to my own understanding (Proverbs 3:5), 3. Not allow another man to lead me out of His will and to stand my ground. Sadly, I failed all three tests by: 1. Became influenced by the world and fell into my old sinful ways by drinking, smoking (drugs), and committing fortification, 2. Lost all faith in God by stealing money from my job, and 3. Letting a man move into my home and lead astray from God. This, through all of that showed me I wasn’t strong in God in the first place and I had a lot to work on.
Now, in November 2005, I lost my job and my apartment. When, I got evicted from my apartment, my mind was set to go to the shelter. I told the Lord I wanted another chance, asked for His forgiveness, and gave my life back to with a pure and true heart. This time I am going to do it all according to His will. I, Yvonne Burhannan, rededicated my life back to God and told my Lord and Savior I want to follow Him. That morning, leaving my, used to be, friend girl’s apartment, I didn’t go to a shelter as I had planned. God placed me back with my family that I’ve been running away from all my life, on November 8, 2005. Why? At the time, I honestly did not know.
Waking up in my sister’s room everyday, I am always asking God “Why am I back here?” The arguments had gotten worse since I’ve been gone. My siblings are practically grown now and my father is upset because they have no respect for him as our father and a minister of God. The kids are upset, because, at times, my father does have his ways. My mother is slowly recovering from her mental illness. The home I left went from depressing to just plain crazy. Some days I felt like loosing my own mind. Instead of seeing my happy family, in my return, all saw and still see is: Bitterness, grudges, hatred, broken heart from broken promises, unforgivingness, and the list goes on and on.
One day God revised my memory of a story my dad once told me when I was living at my old apartment. Luke 8:26-39, speaks of a man who was demon possessed and when Jesus healed him, he told Jesus how he wanted to follow Him. But, Jesus told him to go home. My dad as me do I see myself in that story and I said no. I always compared my life to the Prodigal Son not some demon possessed man. But the difference between to me and the Prodigal Son was he repented when he returned and I didn’t. Eventually, during my return home, I listen to a CD of my when my dad had preached. He spoke from Luke 8:26-39 and entitled it “The Other Prodigal Son” (or something like that). When, I was listening God had revealed some things to me. Not just through my dad's sermon, but even through my own family. Then the Lord led me to Psalm 51:3 that following week, a prayer of repentance. Now, I can say, yes, yes... Luke 8:26-39 relates to my life and answers why I am back home. I lived my life in a grave yard (my transgressions of my sinful life), surrounded by the wicked ways of this corrupt world. Not literally, but spiritually, I was possessed, not by demons but by my own transgressions of my sins. I became depressed with myself by coveting a life that wasn't mines and I still held 'ME' on the throne of my life and not JESUS. Therefore, when I did what verse 3 of Psalm 51, acknowledge my transgressions to the full extent, I said to Jesus, "O.K. I am ready to follow You and do Your will. I want to do everything I done wrong against You, right by You." So, He has given me another chance and anew beginning. I now acknowledge my role as a child of God, a daughter to two godly parents, and a sister to my siblings, which are roles I had abandon. Portraying an ungodly example and lifestyle on how a child should act according to the Bible. Exodus 20:12, "Honor your father and mother..." I disobeyed God's will. Which is why Jesus said to me in Luke 8:38-39, "Go home and proclaim the good things that the Lord has done in your life."
Finally, I have found true peace in Jesus and with in myself. I am now on anew path; anew journey full of grace and mercy, being led by Jesus Christ. Whenever, I find myself becoming discouraged by this ugly world we live in, I turn to Psalm 27. I'll end my testimony with these verses... "When you said, 'Seek My face', my heart said to You, 'Your face Lord, I will seek.' I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord; Be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say on the Lord!" Psalm 27:8, 13-14.