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Today I have 3 days left till I go back to University to see my "boyfriend" as I absolutely hate to call him. Doesn't the word somehow take you back to lunch in middle school, staring at the guy you're having a crush on this week? Anyway yeah I'm in love...actually I'de like to say I am past being "in love" because that expression, in turn, takes me into a picture of a dilusional, blind state of mind, which we've both left behind thank God. So where does that put me then? I'm at a point where I've realized what truth all the cliche's on this world acutally hold. I've found myslef saying the most corny sounding shit without any shame because the perspective and the honesty level has changed. You know the moment when no other word other then the cliche can describe your true feeling. Yet, and I'm going to be honest, the connotations of words like "in love" or "boyfriend" or "soulmate" make me a bit squeemish...does that mean I still have issues with my committment? Possibly, at 20 years old, probably actually. Just the other day I got a call from an ex and spent the whole afternoon wondering the what if's and so on. Of course they are nothing more then dilusional, idealistic, and completely not credible thoughts, but it impacted me enough that I dreamt about hooking up with another guy. Woke up guilty, while I realize that I will always look at guys as long as I have a sex drive, and the funny thing is that I came crazy close to telling my boyfriend about it. Yeah a big no-no....but I sometimes feel like he needs to be updated about this kind of thing... more than that I just want to transfer my own worries onto him...(unconsciouly ;)) ....thank God I shut my mouth.
anyway that is where I am as of right now :)
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Posted by colorfulgrey on 2008-01-06 03:59:13 | Rating: | Views: 101
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