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living a lie

I deactivated my facebook yesterday. I've already recieved an email from my mother about how "hurt" she was because I blocked her from viewing my profile. This is one of many times that I do or say something online and she takes it personally. Which makes life a living hell for me. I have always been a people pleaser. Those I care about the most are the ones I try to please the most. In my 24 years, that has been my parents. I tried to have big dreams of an education for them. I tried to be in the right clubs in school and do the right thing. In my extreme conservative background, I was a square. I was ignorant, closed-minded, and judgemental. I was the spitting image of my mother. After three years at a Christian college, I left and went to a state school. There I was exposed to things I knew about, but had never seen. I was able to go out drinking, partying, meeting random guys off the internet, smoke a variety of things. I tried to embrace while still holding onto those ideals that my parents instilled in me. It didn't work. I had to make a choice. My choice has brought me back to my roots although I still drink, cuss, and occassionally smoke. Even for those seemingly minute things, my parents would preach fire and brimstone. I get fussed at all the time for not going to church all three services - twice on Sunday and on Wednesday nights. The thing is...I'm 24 years old. I am a college graduate and just got married. Yet, my parents, especially my mother, seem to think that I am still the same little girl who is easily manipulated and thinks the same way they do. And why does all this bother me? Why do I let it bother me? I want to please everyone. I know that I am pleasing to my husband. But he shouldn't have to spend every night picking up the pieces of my emotionally battered self after another scathing email from my mother. It's hurting my marriage. We haven't even been married a month and already my family is hurting my marriage. In a way, it's almost laughable. In a way, it's not. I know that I am emotionally scarred from my past. My depression, while controlled with medicine, likes to come back and tease me with insecurities. I call it my personal demon because that's what it feels like. If you aren't depressed, then you have no way of knowing what it's like to live in constant darkness. To feel like no matter what you do, there is no hope and no release. I think that's one reason why I blog. It's a way for me to think things through and talk about them. During my brief stint of counceling before I left school, I usually found out that the answers were inside myself. I just had to talk them through and let them come out naturally. My blogs are stream of consciousness. I try not to ponder things, but let them pour from my fingers easily. And it's created problems with me and my mother. See, she doesn't realize that I am my own person. She doesn't realize that there are some things that I do or think that she would have a connipution fit over. I drink alcohol. I go to clubs and dance. I had sex before I got married. I've smoked pot. I skip church. I believe that gay marriages should be legal. Any of those would warrant a forced Bible study with my father. I've already gotten one over drinking...now they think that I've given it up. If you can't be yourself, then what is the point of being anything? I feel like my life towards my family is a lie. I doubt any of this even makes sense at all, but it's the jumble of emotions that is going through me at the second. I just want to know what the point of everything is.

I just looked out the sindow and it's starting to snow. We've had ice for the past few days. Snow has always brought a smile to my face. I hope we get enough to cover the ground. Then it will feel like it is Christmas. Derek and I went shopping last night and got my parents' gifts. We spent way too much on them. I don't know when I'll be able to get Derek's presents. I want to use the Lowe's card we got as a wedding present and go get a certain tool he wants. First I have to find the Lowe's. I've been here a month and I still don't know the city. That too, will come. For now, I am physically and mentally exhausted. I was up most of the night writing stuff out long hand because I couldn't sleep. Then I've spent the past hour waiting on my father-in-law to bring us a new TV because he thinks ours is too small. All I can say is that the TV is bigger...but it's also older and kinda ugly. I wonder if it even works. So many things are going through my mind. Things I need to do. Things I want to do, but can't. Maybe I can talk Derek into staying in tonight. It would be nice to relax with pizza, beer, and a good movie. Too bad we can't invite friends over, but it is last minute. I would love to have people over though. My human interaction is limited to Sunday mornings at church, Derek, and his mother. It would be nice to have people over and me get to know his friends better. If we have the money for it, I'll see what we can do. For now, I have to go finish cleaning. I let the apartment get really trashy while I was sick. Things will get better. They have to.

Posted by cogitoergosum on 2007-12-12 14:53:56 | Rating: