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| The beginning of finding me again
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As it is late, I shall make this introduction brief.
I have been meaning to set up a blg for a while now, mainly aimed at me keeping a track on my progress. I went for an initial consultation with a counsellor two weeks ago and i am awaiting the beginning of my cognitive therapy. I ve not got a screw lose my my wires are tangled at the moment!!
I need to change my outlook and the way i react to things, deal with things and mainly let OTHER PEOPLE get me down!! Its been a long ongoing, oncoming thing and over the last few months, i have been slowly fading away and letting everything get on top of me and POW - its all pouring out of me in different ways.
My moods, my up and downs, my crying. All kind of emotions i am trying to deal with - im not ashamed but i needed to ask for help and guidance. I was once a bubbly, carefree girl who perhaps was oblivious to other peoples ways but it never bothered me like it does now.
anyway, i shall tell you more another time.
bye for now.
28th October 2007
Not had a bad week to be fair. No real dramas. Im just fed up and bored at the moment. Still feeling unattractive and ugly. Work is still going good so no problems there - though, if im having a very ugly feeling day it can be horrible. Especially since i have to sit and talk to customers - under a light, which reveals my facial hair disaster and makes me look even more like a boy!! I manage to control it at work because i have to, but it still stays with me - any looks someone might give me, i can tell the way their eyes widen. A smirk or glance between two people at the till - i get this automatic fear and dread inside me, which is also defensive. I feel that i wanna say summat but know that it will only make things worse. I have to get over these thoughts about myself - though, they are true. im not paranoid, maybe sometimes, but, i have reason to feel the way i do - i wish i was me 10 years ago now, the attitude and outlook, no worries bout myself - never thought i was special or great, just, never really looked into myself or at myself so closely as i do now.
I am suffering i think, from social anxiety, shyness, unattractiveness - they are all combined and continue to affect my behaviour - i can become very inward if i feel someone is saying something horrible about me. I cant seem to open up to be affectionate. the thought of having sex or being intimate with someone makes me feel like urggh - everything i am now, is complete opposite to how i used to be. i do blame some of it on my ex - ive come to a few realisations in th epast 2 years and my rose tinted glasses are now shattered - i knew all along what his game was but didnt want to believe the worst. he twisted with my mind and now im reeling from it. Its not all his fault though, ive always been a bit depressive at times but to the extent where its disabling me from meeting a new man, in particular, is not good to say the least.
There is this guy in my facebook, i dont know him really but he used to date my sister many years ago - thats how he hooked up to my profile so i accepted. he is fit. but, the new me now, wont do oat cos i feel he is way above my league - he might like my pictures where im all dolled up n looking good, but if he saw me now!! he would run a mile believe me. Plus, i got no money, still live at home with parents (at 30) what have i got to offer? not a lot.
bye
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Posted by clairos on 2007-10-23 14:53:13 | Rating: | Views: 53
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My new book is directed to your probem, I call it the D-Factor. My discovery is geared to cure once fatal illnesses such as liver failure; but can also be used for growing hair. What you appear to have is what I once had, scrambled engrams--also called scrambled memory traces. Yes, there is a cure. I pray that you get well soon. SSV
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Posted by sophm1y
on 2007-10-23 14:58:52
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clairos
United Kingdom
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