Where do I begin...

I guess I must start off with the memories that still haunt me....

It all started in 6th grade...by this time, my classmates are already having boyfriends, smoking cigarettes or weed, putting on makeup and getting fake nails.

My mom wanted to teach me to be "simple" so i never wore the latest clothes...was not allowed to wear makeup or nail polish.....and crazy as it may sound...was not allowed to wear spaghetti strapped tank tops.

I grew up in a household where my mom married a verbal abuser...who abused not only her, but me and my brother as well.....

I never knew why she stayed with him for so long....it really crushed her self esteem......i think she was worrying too much into her own feelings instead of reaching out to mine...

I had to fend for myself a chunk of my life because i can never talk about being teased to my mom....

It was embarrassing to tell her that many of the people in school did not like me...i had big coke bottle glasses, acne, wore high water pants, no makeup, and a really bad perm....oh, and ridiculously scrawny with no butt.

Pretty much...every day was hell for me in school...I was never popular....most of the popular students made fun of me or pretended not to notice me...

I even had some cheerleader named Sheryl make me feel like i was nothing by calling me "Hey...girl..."

Not like a "hey girl,wussup"...

but like a "hey...gurl.."...im pretending not to know ur name since ur not popular and purposely trying to disrespect you by not acknowleging you as a person. And of course that hey girl had to follow up with an insult...whether it be my clothes or my hair......

It's so funny...by the time my mom was generous enough to buy me something that was trendy....it is already at the phase of going out of style.......

I still remember in gym class where a bunch of girls called me a "chink" and made fun of my race just to make me feel bad...

and that was my biggest problem...even to this day...I LET WORDS AFFECT ME.....

even though i know they r not true...or really stupid...i guess i care too much about what people think of me....

my middle school was really messed up....i remember for 8th grade graduation...all the "popular" girls thought of an idea to make a "graduation party" at this building....

.....but with just one twist...

ONLY POPULAR PEOPLE ARE INVITED.....

so you can imagine the humiliation when the next day after the graduation party.....all the "popular people" didnt go to school the next day since they were too busy partying all night...

and all the "nerdy or loser" people went to school the next day.....being looked at as the singled out and uninvited ones...

i just could not believe the school let them get away with it....as much as 65% of the class was missing the next day because they were partying the night before and they allowed it!!!

they never bothered to say..."why isnt the entire class invited?" but those popular people didnt care....there were some "unpopular" or geekly people that purposely didnt show up to school the next day because they know they will be humiliated when they show up...like the teachers and the rest of the staff will know they are part of the "outcasted, and uninvited group".....

lots of the popular girls in my school had rich parents...my mom wouldnt even let me paint my nails...yet, alone get them done...these girls in 6th grade were getting fake nails with all these crazy designs done every other week...........their clothes were always trendy and beautiful...

yet...my mom barely bought me new clothes to the point my pants became high waters???

those memories crushed my self esteem so bad that once i got a job, i made sure i got the latest things...maybe thats why i am such a horder and compulsive shopper? i take pleasure in buying new and updated things...i never wanna relieve those moments where i have to see everyone else get their hearts desired...and im left with nothing....despite of me being brought up in a middle class family....living in a very nice neighborhood.....

i remembered my mom's husband being so strict....he screamed at me for wearing cherry chapstick coz it made my lips look so red...he thought i was wearing lipstick!!

my mom and i didnt exactly have the best relationship back then...whenever i was in the same room as her...she always had to criticize me...always yelling at me...thats y i hated being around her coz i hated to be around the negativity...she was sooo predictable...i knew the moment she saw me....its automatic she was going to yell and say something to make me feel inferior......

by 8th grade....everyone either experienced having their first relationship or first kiss.....except me, of course...

no boy was attracted to me.....i didnt know how to dress myself or do my hair.....i used to read so many romance books and pretend i was the girl being kissed or asked out....books were my escape then....they made me forget all the teasing...and i lived vicariously through the characters......

i was like a walking clown...even going to the mall...groups of girls in the mall will look at me and laugh and gossip about me...and they didnt know a thing about me........i almost committed suicide by ingesting pills.....i thank the Lord i stopped and didnt OD.

i didnt have many friends growing up either...a lot of the "friends" who i was cool with abandoned me for the sake of popularity...they dont wanna be associated with a "dork" bcoz it will lessen their chance to be popular....whenever there was a new girl that doesnt fit the "popular mode"...i always tried to befriend her because i know how it feels not to be accepted...based on how you look.

Everyone was too caught up in looking cool...all the african american and puerto rican students were the ones who were 'extra cool'/envied and who everyone tried to hang and look like....there were countless amounts of italian/caucasian girls wearing dark lipliner....or sometimes, dark brown lipstick just to emulate the style back then...and of course, the gelled up, curly hair..........its amazing how kids in the suburbs truly live.....

i tried to do the same thing but with no success...my asian hair wouldnt curl....and i just looked like a straight up wannabe trying to put dark brown lipliner around my lips......

I didnt even meet my bff until the 8th grade.....and she's still my best friend to this day...even though we live in completely different coasts.....

throughtout middle school...i never went to a single party or "kick backs"....i may have gone to only one slumber party...but it was just with me and one friend.

i still remember on graduation day of middle school...i bought this white dress and thought i looked pretty...but of course...there were still people trying to put my efforts down and make fun of me/my clothes....even on the day we graduate and celebrate...

the same goes for high school...i wasnt popular then either........even at a different state.....people still pretended not to know who i am...or bothered to care to know me.........

i didnt have an identity....i didnt feel comfortable in my own skin because i have always been put down and felt i was never good enough.

even my freshman yr of hs, i was still not allowed to wear makeup...so what i would do is go to school early morning, put on some eyeliner, powder and gloss in the bathroom...

and before my mom picked me up at the end of the day, id put lotion on a tissue and take it off in class before the bell rings.......

i still didnt have much trendy clothes then either...i think i wore the same 3 pairs of pants for an entire year...5 days out of the week.

i was determined to make my sophomore year different....