| View Blog
|
|
|
I have only been on this Earth for a 29 years, but I have seen and been through a lot. I don't want to pretend that I have seen and done it all, because I have been through enough to know that I haven't. Some situations that I have been through would have made some crazy, some bitter, some angry, or maybe even scared, most would have been scarred forever.
Have you ever had something happen that changed you forever? I am not talking about all those experiences that most of us have like having a baby or getting married. Yeah this things change your life and yes they are surely important, but I am talking about things that maybe most of the whole world hasn't experienced. I have had many of these such events. Sure, most of them aren't that unique and happen to many all over the world, but the fact that so many of them as happened to me is the unique part. Also the unique part is I grew up in a little town in Wyoming and not some big city or third world country.
I have seen people shot. I have a stepmom that is a retired stripper. My biological father was a bank robber. I have known and been friends with lots of people that have killed someone. I have looked death in his very eyes and said "Not me, not now." I have been stalked, raped, molested, beaten by more then one man. I have had a complete stranger die in my arms, leaving me feeling helpless, useless. I have been homeless living on the streets in the dead of winter. Hell, I have even been kidnapped.
I do not speak of these things in metaphorical way at all. They have actually happened. Yet, I am here, strong, surviving, living. I have been through and seen even more then I just listed, all that is just the tip of the iceburg. I think I am slightly jaded and yet I still hold onto a little innocence. There have been so many dark and gloomy days, so many days where all I wanted to do was shove a buck knife through my throat and end it all. I have learned though that light always follows darkness, day always follow night. During my dark times, I try to keep my eye on that light, which I have to admit at times was only as big as a pin prick, but yet I held firm. Always wanting to just cave in, make it all go away. But what if I did do that and I was only to be left in all eternity of a world of complete darkness, no light to ever follow.
I am currently in one of my dark places, holding on as hard as I can, hoping that I don't lose my grip. Anxiety every waking moment. My heart filled with anger, my soul could as ice. I dream of the knife at night, slicing at my arms and thighs, ripping open my throat.
Why? I have no idea. I feel a gathering storm, maybe is it from all the gloom and doom I have seen in the last few months. I have had a recurring dream for many weeks now. My husband is on his 3-wheeler, he hits a truck and it starts to flip. As it is flipping it turns into our Camaro and he is ejected and thrown very far, killing him. I know it is just a dream but it started about a week before his cousin was killed. He was riding his motorcycle, hit a semi, and was thrown from his bike and killed. It is too much coincidence for me. |
|
Posted by cholwuttle on 2008-06-28 14:23:46 | Rating: | Views: 27
|
| |
|
|
