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Just when I thought was getting better!!

I had a car accident on my way into my pychiatrists office last wednesday. My mom and my baby were in the car. We were on the highway and I stupidly nodded off. I don't understand, I never get tired behind the wheel. I nodded off, my mom yelled and I paniced and over corrected the car and then lost control. We spun and t-boned the middle guard rail. Thankfully, no one got hurt. My back just hurts in more places, but I am sure that will go away. The day after I got my lumbar facet injections, which so far hasn't really helped at making my back feel better. I wish I could get a whole spinal column replacement and just be done dealing with any pain, now or in the future.

Then yesterday I had a bipolar meltdown. Mikey and I were agrueing and the baby threw this crystal block thing into my mothers entertainment center stand which is made of glass. Luckily, he wasn't hurt but the glass shattered everywhere and my mom totally freaked out and just couldn't handle things anymore. I did better this time and just left for a walk. That made everyone worry though because of things that I have done in the past. My mom came and found me and we just left and had a talk to calm me down. I get like that though. Life throws too much at me all at once and I just can't handle it and just have a meltdown.

I feel guilty that almost got my mom and baby killed and then the baby breaks all that glass and could have been hurt really bad. Mikey was supposed to be watching him that time, I was putting groceries away, but still I am the mother, things like that shouldn't happen. Children shouldn't be put in harm's way because the mother wasn't paying attention. I know moms can't be everywhere all the time, but I still feel guitly for all of it. I also think that if I wasn't fucking crazy that maybe my kids would be better off. I know a lot have to agree with me. I feel bad for them. I feel bad that they have to deal with me.