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When somebody says to you “don’t end your relationship” but has put points to you about why this relationship is not the be all and end all for you – told you very much you would be an embarrassment to the family if you ever brought that person home to the parents, let alone married them…how are you supposed to feel? When your best friend i.e. brother or sister doesn’t have a very high opinion of that person and tells you to be “realistic” about things…what is being realistic. Is being realistic …saying right I may not marry this person but I’m happy to be in this relationship because of what this person does for me right now so I’ll just go along day to day and see how it works out?...Is being realistic saying to that brother or sister…ok your right I’ll end my relationship despite what this person does for me?
Right now it feels like I don’t know how I should be operating or how I’m supposed to feel about my relationship…feel like I got told off by my sister. After she gunned me the last time with her comments about my girlfriend I did block her from facebook which she saw as me “cutting of the family for some girl I’ve not long known”. She saw that move as a low move and said she wanted to tell my parent who don’t know about my relationship (I’ve not told them because I don’t think its time to yet). Again my sister was uncompromising with her full scale assault on my girlfriend’s looks calling her a “troll” and saying me and my girlfriend are the equivalent of her dating a drug dealer. When I let her know to be fair its my life, and yes there is a lot of work to be done but then its something I’m prepared to do. Her response was it affects everyone, she doesn’t want to have to hold her tongue around the person I’m with (I don’t think she would to be honest). My sister fears I’m settling rather than going for someone that I really want because I am now at marriage age and I’ve had to wait a very long time before a relationship has really materialised.
I feel like I’m being beaten up – caught between what I want in my modified ideal world and what’s available to me. If anything positive to this point has come of my relationship its that I’ve become a lot more positive in my approach to the hard times, I’m learning how to master my mind bit by bit as in try not to over think things and justify everything but I can’t ignore my brain because its not often been that wrong, the level of perception I have has benefited me in many ways when my ability hasn’t necessarily been up there. I’m regaining the passion for my faith – something that I lacked for a long while - I’m stepping up my whole game.
I’m apparently turning into one of those guys my sister hates – the type who apparently cuts off family otherwise known as sister’s who will quite openly be nasty about the choice of partner because they don’t meet the criteria laid by them. There has been no change to what my sister is doing to me- I explained to her that quite frankly she was out of order and it hurt me to the core a to her behaviour – she told me if I hadn’t gone on about my girlfriend as if she was someone amazing and potentially wanting to marry her then she would have respected me more. This just makes me feel like crap – this whole thing is replaying in my head . My sister is waiting for the day that my relationship ends and is waiting for me to tell her she was right on all accounts. She refuses to acknowledge that she has hurt me and that grates. I don’t know who to talk to about this because it’s just annoying. She also says that if the girl was black and looked the same I wouldn’t accept the looks, probably wouldn’t be with them long – honestly there’s another girl who probably was as big if not bigger than my girlfriend in size with a lot of talent and intrinsically not bad person at all, looks wise I’d probably put her on par with my girlfriend but I wouldn’t have her as mine simply because of the persona edge.
I recognise that not everyone will recognise the beauty of my girlfriend instantly but she’s not ugly as my sister would have people think. Maybe in her circles but in mine people see the beauty of my girlfriend. My closest friends of some years who have been alongside me day in day out know full well not to simply tell me what I want to hear because I don’t mince my words but according to my sister if people tell me that she’s beautiful then they are lying to me through their teeth to me. Again why does it need her approval be a good thing for me…can it not be perfect now and grow into that? My reasoning behind me fighting for this relationship is not because I see a complete package yet but I see ingredients that would make it successful if we worked on a few things and in the long term it would make us better people not only that but we’d also have a stronger relationship which is why I have fought my sister from the moment she voiced disapproval.
While I appreciate the tips I’ve been given regards to relationships before I entered one - my sisters brain seems to be working over time – the level of experience she has is great as far as dating and stuff goes in fact she’s like me with the analysis but the fact that she is hitting me with it and effectively not giving me breathing space. I feel as if there will be no let up from this constant attack on my personal choice of girlfriend over her looks and more and the fact that my sister refuses to be anything but nasty in the name of “being real” with me does not fill me with happiness. Again my sister has not met her and while she has said some things which may be on point – the fact she is unwilling to come forth with anything positive makes me wonder what I’m supposed to do.
So now I hear nobody ask what sort of things has your sis said which are on point well… she’s said things like “she probably may never dump you because she knows that that you are up there as far as guys go and you probably may never dump her because your nice and she gives you no reason to want to dump her. To this I said who knows my relationship could end but I don’t see any grounds to want to end it. I’m not going to look for a reason to end things just because I’m not hitting approval ratings.
I spoke to my girlfriend on my lunch break and said how my sister had said I’d be an embarrassment to the family – I apologised profusely for telling her about this as I know it upsets her as much as it does me. Again I shielded her from some of the other stuff but it’s just relentless – I wouldn’t be bothered so much if she’d said I don’t like who you’re with, I wont ever approve of them and left it at that then cool. She could have Jungle fever by Stevie wonder as a ring tone every time I rang, put a Bernie Mac joke from Guess who on every time an email from me pops up at her and said hello jungle bunny every time I answer the phone for all I care but she doesn’t, she just hits me with a barrage of abuse very time over this. I understand that my sister wants me to have the perfect life now as I’ve worked very hard to do as much as I can to be in the best possible position to get that job that earns me as much I deserve- I understand she wants me to be with the best person for me but for the fact that she has only seen a picture means something is up. When I dated a previous girl my housemate who is female took an instant dislike via a picture and gave me some things to look for in terms of what I need – she was right about how the girl was wrong for me. That didn’t last long but I feel genuinely that I’m prepared to work at this – if indeed we can create something that’s long lasting and totally self sufficient then I think sis will have to accept that whether she wants to or not. If I am to say for instance play devils advocate for one sec – the question I would ask is… being of marriage age – am I doing the right thing by saying ...yes there are things which aren’t perfect at individual level but if both sides can see what they would want to work on and are prepared to support each other as they chase that individual goal. Is that the attitude of someone settling for something sub standard? Am I deluded to think this? I’ve told my girlfriend that I’m not ready to settle down and though some how we occasionally have come out with things which are at that level but we’re well aware of how its only been a few months though it feels like longer.
Its taken me my whole shift to write this but as far as remaining digs at my sister go…black people and white people both have the ability to be as sharp and as cutting as each other…going by her logic if black people were the only people telling the truth about any given situation then there’s a lot of innocent black men in prison but that’s about it. Maybe I shouldn’t have posted a poetic dig at my sister on facebook but two wrongs don’t make a glorified right.
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Posted by chocolatedigestive on 2008-07-14 14:58:21 | Rating: | Views: 31
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