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i gtI don't start work for another 5 hours its what...6.15 am but I'm up because I'm thinking about my error over and over and over. I shouldn't let it get to me but here's the deal. I know I've been with this girl for a week and a half if I can call it that. I'm intelligent enough to know she finds me attractive and though I didnt know what to expect at first I know yes I find her attractive too. I like her gentle persona and that she's not afriad to ask some big questoion - she can hold her own - I like that in a woman seriously. She's cute and has her own own style and I can't say I'm in love because I know I'm not but what I do know is that I smile at the very thought of her. Typically people know me because I am an intelligent guy, I might appear reserved sometimes but I work hard and I do my best to stay positive - keep other people around me positive too. Thats one side of me thats usually on show but she brings out the playful side in me - something that seems to get hidden away more often than not. Now last night we enjoyed a night in and I probably was my most relaxed but in the heat of that I made a schoolboy error. I asked her if we could be an item - now I know because I had thought this one out already that its waaaaaaay too early to be suggesting thing like that. She rightly bounced it back by telling me she's got to be 100% before she makess a commitment because she's not sure how she feels at this stage.
I've talked and talked about letting it flow so to make that error - deja vu - I know I've put this line in my previous post but I don't care..... to make that error now throws up an interesting situation. I sent her two texts - one telling her I got carried awayand I hope she didn't think less of me i,e. hope she didn't think I'm tthe type to propose after 2 weeks - I myself am not that type of guy and how words bite people in the back side - yeah I slated a certain group of people who typically do that but still. I also told her how I enjoy the way things are and I don't wnat to jeopardise that - I'm serious I don't want to kill something off before its grown roots. The other relationships I've had have been built on seriously friendship grounds and so the move into friendhsip/ lover status has come at a different angle. With this connection its out and out from the start and so I'm putting a lot of thought into this.
It feels like my inexperience on a level as shone through and I am wanting deep down to know what she feels about me. Can I handle that ....I think so and I hope its not bad because I think ech time we've met up we've enjoyed it or thats what she has indicated and if she's as honest as she says she is then I'm cool. I've lived my life with people telling me I'm not good enough so mentally I'm prepared for the worst that can happen. Its not nice to think that way because I really want the good but I guess I gotta see how it unfurls.
Does she see me as a man or a boy? I'm open to suggestions but I can take the lead but I also want her to know that she has a role to play. My analytical brain is learning I can tell its starting to learn when to switch off but I stress starting. Being around her makes me feel like I have to raise my game and iron out those flaws in my personal armoury. Its a learning process that I don't mind how long it takes as long as I can be with her for as long as we're meant to be together.
My advice to me from the outside in this.....take your time...you have a right to feel the rush of adrenaline because its new and your in the first stage of setting things up - yes you have made a mistake by trying to sign the contract without reading it first but if she really likes you and wants to be with you she'll understand - just learn from your mistakes and move on. don;t let it wear you down because people make much worse mistakes - yes you need to apply your emotional intelligence practically but don't worry about it .
Like she says - relax and enjoy whatever happens happens
Update: 2 hour after finishing this blog - it dawned on me that I made a similar mistake nearly 5 years ago with someone else. If you want to know what happened with that person its probably best captured by a poet who calls himself Poetic7 www.postpoems.com/poetic7 who has a poem called "B". The scenario is a bit differnet now and again I repeat do not want to have any negative impacts this time i.e. heart break and things - its too early to commit all my emotions - I slipped but hopefully things can and will pick up.
Peace
D J
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Posted by chocolatedigestive on 2008-03-08 01:56:35 | Rating: | Views: 56
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err... i dont understand. how is 'being an item' that big of a commitment? its not like you can't break it off any time you want so..
I dunno. People are hard.
I like cats :)
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Posted by yellow
on 2008-03-11 05:52:15
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