fiance and i never go to bed at the same time. i always go to sleep so much earlier. i use to be a night owl like him, but now with my line of work i need to be in bed early. i go to bed alone... a lot. it's starting to bother me, i'm becoming deeply depressed on the inside. i'm so fricken lonely, it's a fucked up feeling going to bed alone, and then waking up at 2am still alone, waking up at 4am alone. i cried uncontrollably last night. i couldnt help it i tired to keep it in but the tears just started coming out. i had a HUGE lump in my throat that made it hard to breathe... felt like i was dieing. ever since my "girls night" failed and i saw i had shitty friends who were only friends with me when it was convient for them i've been going down this spiral. i've been hurting myself in small little ways no one can really see or tell, and i've been having thoughts of suicide. i could never go through with it, but sometimes i feel like if i run away things can start from zero. i love fiance so much though i just wish he would make some compromises with me. i wish he would just come to bed with me once or twice a week. and when i'm feeling lonely come give me a kiss to calm me. i tell him i'm lonely, i tell him that i need more us time, but he seems to either not care or not know what to do, which is fuckin lame. i just dont want to go to bed alone all the time! i feel the tears swelling in my eyes right now and that lump in my thoat enabling me to talk and do my job. i'm not asking for him to come to bed with me at the same time with me all the time, i just want one or two nights that are mine. is that asking for so much??? my biggest fear here is that i will look for someone else to keep my company because i feel so fricken lonely. my biggest fear is that i wont give a shit anymore, that i will lose interest. it happened to the ex before fiance, but i fear i fear it so badly, but i feel like he's pushing me. i am afraid i will lose interested and start to cheat, something that i've always done in my past and i dont want to do that anymore! but he gives his friends more time, and makes it seem like i have to force him to hang out with me. i dont know what to do anymore. i just want so much more outta what he have and seems like he's not growing in the relationship, like he has but not right now. like he's on a stump... i want to talk and laugh and seems like we cant do that anymore. we spent a good 15 minutes in the car and the whole time it was silent. i'm so hurt, someday i feel like i'm taking a step back.  when will i be able to move forward?

By the way i just got a comment from some asshole who was like "blah blah you cant rely on others to make you happy blah blah" hey jackass.... i'm not asking him to fuckin come to bed with me every fuckin night! for the most part i sleep alone and i'm ok with it, there is just sometimes where it would be nice to sleep next to someone and when it never fuckin happens i get lonely! if i wanted to fuckin sleep alone i would be single get it? so dont fuckin leave comments thinking that i need people to make me feel complete. i'm just really sad that someone i feel like i have a connection with doesnt seem to be giving that same connection back. i'm fustrated! when you give and give and get nothing back it's hard to swallow. but like i said i'm ok most nights, i just wish he would give me some us time as a couple. i dont get that from him as often as i wish i did and that sucks.

so if you dont have anything fuckin positive to say dont fuckin comment!