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Even though its onlt been two days since I started this, I'm beginning to sense some sort of pattern to my behavior.
When I was younger, I had alot of patience and empathy for others, now these levels have decreased at an alarming rate. I now have little or no patience for silly or "meaningless" things such as pointless conversations or annoying behaviors in others, no matter the age-group. While I can still empathize and understand with people's problems, now my way of thinking has become more "logical" and less "emotional" so I get annoyed when people go on and on about their problems, even after I offer a shoulder and a solution. I'm thinking more and more like a man each day.
I believe its because I've been suppressing things for ages now. Every bad thing, bad situation, bad etc...I've sucked it up until I feel like I'm going to explode. Thing is, I don't have anyone to turn to because while I complain about some stuff to my brother, I have no relationship with my younger sister and have a shallow relationship with my parents. I keep wishing that I could go to a therapist to talk about this but my family doesn't believe in them. My mother says that they put wrong thoughts into their patient's heads, while that has happened I don't think each and every therapist is out to brainwash their patients, and the rest of my family insist that any problems could be solved if its addressed in private. The problem is, even if they had agreed, coming from an arab background, its hard to find someone who understands where I'm coming from and forget telling the rest of my family. If they so much as get a whiff of this, I'll be labelled as the crazy one without their understanding of my situation really is. It's bad enough I'm the unemployed, fat, white graduate who has absolutely no hope for her future because the way she is now, no man wants to get within 10 meters of her, never mind marriage, children. Hell forget about being hired because only young,beautiful people can work.Others who are just as or even more quailfied are just tossed aside.
I hate the fact that while I've been fighting this stereotype my entire life, it still doesn't stop me from sometimes denying myself things by saying only thin people can wear,do,eat,...etc that. As though those of us who aren't toothpicks are some sort of sub-human/animal species.
My patience is tied to my feelings. If I'm happy, then I'm calmer and more accepting. If I'm angry and/or frustrated, then I have no patience. If I'm depressed then I just don't react. My feelings are tied to how I view my weight, which changes daily.
I have such a hang up about how I look, that I avoid mirrors like the plague whenever I can. In situations where I have no choice, I glance quickly or don't focus on myself. Because I have such a weird self esteem issue, I'm concious and painfully aware that I look like the giant blob or the great white whale when I go to the beach, but at the same time I project this confident persona who doesn't really care about what others think or say even though I'm bleeding and sobbing inside.
I can't approach anyone because the outcome would either be ridicule (grow up/suck it up), some not so helpful tibits of advice (if you hate the way you look, improve it by :a-losing weight b-toning at the gym and c-finding ways to enhance yourself). What they can't seem to understand is that even if I am aware and educated about what I need to do (hell, I've been going to dietitans on and off since I was like 10), I have to be either motivated to do so by myself, such as waking up and deciding that starting today, I will lose weight. Or I need to talk to someone to get this out of my system and to help me re-organize/re-prioritize my issues so that I can change the way I look at and process things. That way I'll be able to permanantly change for the better.
I know that this sounds as though I'm putting the blame on outside sources, but the thing is I've been blaming myself for years for being stupid,weak, lazy blah blah blah. Now I'm angry that I've been doing that and so I shifted it to others. I always make the mistake of handing my emotions, and therefore my weight, to others especially my family. Whenever I'm upset or angry I eat, which is constant in my home. When I'm happy I watch and control so my weight goes down. For a while, I used to ignore others and simply focused on myself, but that went to hell when a relative gave a nasty comment and look which then turned into a sort of fight whihc made me defiant which lead me to gaining weight which lead to her now making fun of me whenever she can which is pretty constant.
So now I'm fat again and while I was motivated for a while, I lost steam and now am settling for comments,looks and whatever else people through at me. All the while simmering with anger at the unfairness of it all. If I try to object they tell me to shut up, as though I should know my place, which is below the superior beings now as the walking toothpicks.
Life is unfair but when ignorant people impose their narrow-minded prejudiced thoughts and opinions on the world, it makes it completely unbearable.
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Posted by chibi on 2007-08-17 01:42:32 | Rating: | Views: 146
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Hey Chibi...
Yeh your family seems to be narrow minded and unfair... very unfair.. and very un-supportive. I would like to come over there and smack them!
People who have not gone thru similar things.. (i.e. they have not been over-weight.. and been rediculed about it..) will NEVER know how it feels..
I have.. and I still am going thru it... but now I have some health issues which contribute to it.
Nobody paid attention to my health when i was growing up.. I was the last of many kids... so they were all wiped out .. and had no energy to deal with more stuff by the time I came :)
things that helped me... were to find out.. my medical issues.. which apprently have been goig on for a while..
check your blood sugar level... see if you have high insolin in your system or not.. (it contributes to gaining weight).
check your thyroid.. maybe it has an imbalance (contributes to gaining weight)..
and yeh if you live in such an environment.. then yes you will get depressed.. and that in turn causes people to over eat, or under eat...
It is hard to clokc out all that negativity.. especially if you are still living at home...(which is the norm in an islamic society).. but you have to really put an extra effort into helping yoruself.. and to heck with everybody else who is not supportive... focus on helping yourself now.. because like they told me.. if in a year or two.. you get worse than you are now.. or get really sick... who is going to take care of you? in yoru case.. they will probably take care of you.. but you will never hear the end of it.. they will keep yapping in your ears till the day you die... I have noticed that pattern in these countries... very negative.. always putting each other down... and always complaining about everything...
I think the state you reached now.. where you have no patience for anyone anymore.. is a symptom .. of stress or depression or both... BUT.. I think it will help you :) in that you can now focus on yoruself and your health more.. and hang all the other stupid things in your life...
I dont mean to become a selfish feelingsless person... well.. maybe I mean to become a bit selfish.. and more non-emotion when your health is a concern.. when your nafs is a concern.. when you are trying to look out for yourself... dont become bad.. but become aware that you have to help yourself.. because no one else will...
Ignore all the crap they are telling you about your future at work or marriage... this is from God... he has written it.. and their negative opinions will never change it. What God has written and ordained for you.. will reach you.... even if they lock you up in a box nad burry you at sea! (umm just a metaphour... people dont do that)
you haev to start by making a tiny plan.. start tiny... write just like 4-5 new thigns you will start doing them... remember .. very tiny things... and PUSH yourself to do them.. after all they are TINY... and then you will see how better it feels...
and yes sometimes we have to kick our own asses so we can make ourself move and do things.. especially when we have no motivation.. and we feel nobody cares about us...
I CARE :)
I sat here for like 20 mintues writing this.. I care :)
(((((((((((HUGZ))))))))))))
what I am planning to do today.. is write down positive things and tape them on the walls of my room... and maybe watch a comedy.. or some cartoons...
I have to remember that in my life.. I am waaaaay better off than people in sumalia.. or iraq... or sudan.. who are suffering... so I have to move .. and try to help myself more... so maybe I can help others...
we are given more than those guys... so we will be asked what we did .. with what we were given...
Take care my dear... and be strong...
you know you can do it.. you did it before... you just have to make it a habbit in your life... only then will it be consistant... try.. its hard in the begining.. but you dont want to be sitting there in 20 years time wishing you did try.... but you didnt
tiny things... 4 -5
even 1-2
start...
now...
Traveler.
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Posted by Traveler
on 2007-08-17 02:29:52
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My goodness. I thought you were talking about me years back. My family was the same way. Anytime I had a personal issue, they just told me to suck it up and quit complaining. All I wanted is for someone to listen. Family members are the worst listeners. Because my family was that way, I started to be like them when people started venting to me. Older now, I realize that everybody needs to talk or vent to get things out and that what they really want is someone to listen. They really don't want solutions even when they think they do. They just need that ear. During difficult and trying moments, it is human nature to want to share it with someone. It is a release valve to share a burden. Holding things in is not good and hard on health (physical and mental). I do know that I could never depend on my family for that kind of listening ear. I had to seek it from a friend.
At my age, body image becomes less and less of an issue. Good health is, so I try to focus on nutritional health and not image. It's good that you blog your feelings because it is another way of venting or releasing frustration or any negative feeling we are holding in. If we don't have an ear from someone, blogging/journaling is the next best thing. You will always find support from me. I believe in lifting people up, rather than tearing them down. Keep up the good fight sister warrior.
Huggers,
Kim
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Posted by Jesusmyvision
on 2007-08-18 10:16:19
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