| utterly butterly loved up.... |
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I want to start by saying that my baby is fine, and to thank those that expressed a concern and helped to set my mind at ease. I did overreact a little, I guess that was due to the fact that as I said a while back in my blogs...my fear is that I dont deserve all this and something is gonna happen to ruin it...karma, if you will, for being the proverbial 'cheating wife'
Anyways...I've chilled a bit now.
I did tell David in the end, and he understood why I had said nothing, but emphasised the fact that he is in this through good and bad times and wants to know whats going on, whether it be good or bad, so he can be there for me. I knew that already, it was a case of me trying to protect him. I now know I don't need to do that. He's a big boy, he can handle it!
To coin a phrase that David uses alot, tonight I am 'utterly butterly loved up.' You know that feeling, when you think of the person you love and a wave of uncontrollable emotion sweeps over you, almost overwhelms you? I got that, and found myself in tears it was so powerful.
I am so happy.
I have spent the evening in my room, listening to our songs on my MP3 and imagining us together (just 20 days to go!).
When I miss him, as I often do, my mind takes me back to little moments in time to help me through. They would seem insignificant to an outsider. Its weird, cause when I am with him, I soak up every second, store every moment in my memory to refer to when I am not with him. And its literally every day things.
Examples. David is a very heavy snorer. His mum says its a testiment to my love for him that I can cope with it, it really is that bad. Thing is, when he's making a steady noise as he snores, its fine, it doesnt bother me. Its when he makes involuntary loud noises that he keeps me from sleeping, or wakes me. Its like hes choking or something. Anyway...the fact that I'm such a light sleeper, and dont sleep more than 4 or 5 hours, and he is a heavy sleeper for eight hours or so, means that I spend a large portion of the night lying watching him sleep. I love to do that. I lie up close to his back, my arms around him and my chin nestled into his neck, or just resting on his arm, and I just watch him, in awe of this wonderful man who loves me.
Memories like that I cling to and pull out when I am here and missing him.
I remember us sitting on the bench overlooking the sea the first time I went up to Newcastle, eating fish and chips out the paper, and catching him looking at me out of the corner of my eye. He didnt say anything, only smiled and I smiled back. I think of him brushing my hair out of my face tenderly, our kisses, our millions of daily hugs, reassuring winks, I hear him telling me he loves me, the way he squeezed my hand when I was nervous at the university open day, as if to say 'its ok, I'm here'...all the little things that most would forget, I hang onto them all for times like this, when I need them to keep me warm.
Of course, there is nothing like the real thing, and I miss him so much...but in a years time, when we're headed for our first summer in our seaside home, with our little girl or boy...in five years when I'm sitting on the sea wall, watching him chase waves holding onto the little hand of our child as they run screaming from the crashing tide...all of this, the late night phonecalls, emotional emails, webcams, cards, letters and texts...will still be embedded in my memory as times that were tough, but so worth it.
Perhaps the hardest part of not being together all the time, is that sometimes the words just cannot be found to express how much we love each other. But we have our songs for that reason...because they say how we feel.
I have uploaded the latest one, I sent to him after hearing it on the radio last night. I have heard this version, and I believe Eva cassidy did one too...but theres something so simple about the song and the words...I thought I'd post it.
THE SONGBIRD
The sun, will be shining
Cause I feel that when I'm with you
It's alright, I know its right
And the song birds keep singing like they
Know the score
And I love you, I love you, I love you,
Like never before
For you, I would give the world
For you...I'd never be cold
Cause I feel that when I'm with you
It's alright, I know its right
And the song birds keep singing like they
Know the score
And I love you, I love you, I love you
Like never before
Like never before...
Peace and love to you all xxxxx
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