Advanced warning - this blog will be full of ramblings, things that have nothing to do with each other and all that kinda stuff. It's been a while since I wrote anything at all, and I have a feeling I will just let a load of stuff out now.
Its Monday morning and my head is scrambled. Not sure what is going on there, but I am incapable of thinking straight about anything, I am in a permanent state of confusion. I've always been a bit like that, but recently its worse. I'm not worried about it, cause I know why...its because I have so much stuff in my head, so much to think about, very now and then I go into over drive.
I've been worried about David since I got home. If you read his last entry, you'll know we went to his friends funeral. I know the idea that he was the same age as David scared him. One thing I've noticed about David is when he gets nostalgic he gets sad - I mean, just read his blog about his dad. I guess we all do. When we think of, or talk about people, things and places past...we always end it with a deep sigh and an air of sadness. Why? Why are these memories sad? Because we no longer have those times here and now? So what, we are constantly making new ones. I guess its human nature, and when did human nature ever make sense.
That day for me was an odd one because it was different to any funeral I've ever been to.
It was a humanist service (and I have now decided that is what I want), which doesnt mourn the death, it celebrates the life. And the wake was the same. I mean it started a little quiet, but people soon settled in and then it was like a party. People laughing, joking and having a ball. I loved it, being with David and surrounded by his mates, people who have known him since he was a kid, people who knew his father (and spoke fondly of him)...
So he's been down, as one would expect, since then though...worried I think, about how someone can die so young really, its no age. I keep reminding him, his friend didnt die suddenly, it was a degenration over a few years, as he drank and drank until his body gave in - death was the inevitable outcome. David likes a drink, and like the best of us, will occasionally have too many, but he doesnt drink all day every day. Hes a big guy, but he looks after himself. You cant live being afraid of death, or you're not living at all. I know these emotions are temporary, that soon enough he will start to feel better, but I wish I could be there now. Four weeks to go!
Every time I am with him, I have tried to store as many of the little things as I can, as memories I can look back on when we are not together. There were a few moments from this last trip to look back on. Defining moments, if you will. I dont know if that makes sense. Okay, I should try to explain.
You're head over heels in love with someone, I mean your world revolves around them. You can be doing something special, or not and just suddenly look at them and get that thunderbolt you got when you first realised you loved them. I call them 'God I love you' moments, those instances where I feel the love so strong I'm afraid I might burst.
Okay, so one such moment was the day I blogged about - on Tynemouth Pier. We're standing on a bit of concrete a mile out to sea, its incredibly windy and the sea is crashing against the side of the pier, you could feel the rumble and it was both scary and exhillerating. It was the most amazing feeling, because it was like just standing on the sea, nothing around us but nature, wonderful mother nature, kicking up a storm. A massive wave came over the top of us, drenching us instantly and following the initial shock of it, we burst out laughing and he wiped the water from my (now very rosey) cheeks, and smiled and said 'we need to get you somewhere dry and warm'. I looked up at him, had a 'God I love you' moment and kissed him, then we fell into a hug. I will never ever forget that moment.
So another one was much more simple than that, but will stick nevertheless.
So we're at the wake, and I'm talking to a couple of friends of his from school, we're all having a laugh and a giggle and people are asking how we met and what on earth is a lovely young lady like me doing with him (joking) and I look to my right where he is sitting. Of course, we've just been to a funeral, so he's wearing his black trousers, white shirt and black tie and he smiled at me and I had to catch a breath. He just looked gorgeous. Of course, there is something about a guy in a suit anyway!
One of the things I have always loved about him is that he makes the effort. He's a smart guy, neat, tidy and mindful of how he looks. He's not vain, but he wont go out without having a shave if he needs one. My hubby had a 'people should take me as I am' kinda attitude to things, which is true to an extent but for him it was more an issue that he couldnt be bothered to try.
So I knew it was slightly wrong to be having the thoughts I was (it was a wake after all!) but he just looked edible in that suit, hehe x I was, as I ever am, so so proud to be there on his arm and people were just lovely.
This time when I left on the train the tears belonged to him. I go back on the 20th of May and I cant wait.
Until then though...me and Stan are doing fine. I am as big as a bus and loving it! I was shopping the other day trying to find some nice long tops - I cant stand to see pregnant bellies hanging out. I know I'll cause controversy there, but I dont like it. I understand that its nothing to be ashamed of, I just personally dont like it. Plus, its cold, so I need to keep Stan warm.
I am loving every part of being pregnant. I'm putting weight on - so what, I was fat anyway. I had stretch marks before so they're nowt new either...people get up on the bus so I can sit down...suddenly I can start a conversation with anyone...life is bliss!
Anyhoo...now I am talking crap, so I'm gonna stop and grab myself something to eat.
Take care everyone
Mummy and Stan xxxxx
