Ex hubby is away for the weekend and has given me the keys to his (formerly our) flat. His tenancy ends soon and he hasnt started packing yet, and theres still loads of my stuff there.
So this weekend I am spending sorting through it all, trying to whittle it down to as little as possible.
Its hard, harder than I thought it would be. I am a ridiculously sentimental person, throughout my life I have hung on to everything and its an annoying silly habit that I cant seem to shake.
Everytime I think...thats gotta go, I bin it or put it in the 'not coming with me' pile and then I get a change of heart - and I cant let it go.
To say I was largely unhappy these last few years, I am having real trouble parting with anything that I have accumilated over this time.
Example - I have a bag full of TY beanies. I brought a couple back when I was 15 or something, and it got so everyone bought them for me, and before I knew it, I had about 150 of the little critters. I'm now debating selling them on eBay or something - not the special ones though. Some my mum brought me (she had to go online to find one called 'Holiday Heidi' , my name) cannot go. Some are rare and worth a fair bit. So do I hang on to them, or let them go? Money sure would come in handy with little guy on the way.
I have discovered I have over 200 CD's too. Then theres the other stuff, like photos, ornaments, books, videos, DVD's...I cant keep it all, and yet I cant seem to let it go!
As I trawl through it all, I feel an odd mix of sadness, nostalgia and relief and for some reason these emotions dont sit well together. We had a long time together, that seems all the longer because we were so young. We weathered alot and I think we can be proud we made it as far as we did, the odds were stacked against us.
During our marriage we moved 8 times (we were evicted alot because we couldnt afford to live anywhere, we were skint all the time), we lost my dad, then my grandad, then his grandad, then his aunt, then his brothers best friend (aged 11), four babies, we were harrassed to the point where I wanted to die by an abusive neighbour, hubby went through stages of violence towards me, we put up with constant interference from his family, we rescued our first dog and then watched our second dog grow up from an eight week old pup (bless I miss my dogs)...all this stuff tells that story and it makes me feel...grief.
David darling...if you read this, please dont misinterpret it...I have no regrets about the path I have chosen, and no desire to go back, or back track in the slightest.
Its just weird I guess...seeing your previous life there ready to be sifted through, deciding what gets to move on with me and what gets left behind.
I know what David will think now...I am over analysing, like these things represent my emotions, my feelings (what, moi? over analyse? Never! Haha) but thats just me.
I look at this stuff and know I need none of it (havent over the past few months) and yet...I dont wanna let it go. Some of it just...means too much.
Its gonna be a long weekend, and to top it off, its 27 degrees C - thats hot for here!
Happy weekend guys xxxx
Posted by chebtastic1 on 2008-05-10 09:26:03 | Rating: | Views: 62
hi cheb!
i know where you are at on this one. when i got back from ten years in italy i had to go through all my stuff that was stored at my folks place and weed it out getting ready to move...i threw out a lot of stuff that represented my previous life.
...but remember too that the things aren't your life, that which is passed is in your memory (good and bad) and you have it anyway.
good luck with the moving!!
cheers!!
:)
Good luck, sweetie. I feel for you. I'm exactly the same way. Everything has a memory attached and I just can't seem to part with things. I always think what if some day I need or want what I'm about to throw away. Best of luck with your packing. Peace & Love
badlydrawnstickman - good point about the memories thing - thats the thing I dont get - most of them arent even good memories, so why am I hanging on? Haha x Still havent finished it, but I have today too and I'm gonna have to be ruthless - nice to see you stop by again xxx
ColoradoDreamin - I have that 'what if I chuck it then one day need it' mentality too! I get it from my dad. When he died we cleaned out his shed and had to laugh - there was drawer upon drawer of nuts, bolts, screws, brackets, hinges etc...he saved them over the years and we used to make fun of him, to which he would always say 'laugh now, but one day when you need a new hinge on your door, who are ya gonna come to?'
Its not easy but I'm back to it today and am feeling as though I am in just the right sort of mood - and if all else fails, mum says I can store stuff at hers that I'm not ready to chuck but dont wanna lug up to Newcastle! A reprieve! Haha x
Thanks for commenting xxx
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