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Hi all
Well, following on from the first time I used this site last night, and how wonderful it was to find somewhere to vent my thoughts where people don't seem to judge me, I wanted to write a little more about myself. Until where I came from is clear, how can anyone understand where I am now, or where I want to be?
So here it is, the brief history of me. I was a shy kid, not bullied but not many friends. The most important things to me when I was little were my best friend, (my father), and studying. I have always loved to learn and to write.
I have never been all that confident though, and tended to just go with the flow - my attitude to life was apathetic to say the very least.
Everything changed for me, when I met my husband. He's like one of those people you would swear must be cursed, if he were a cartoon character, he would walk around with a black cloud over his head. I have come to realise that most of this only stems from his own bad attitude to life. His 'what's the point?' attitude. Far from running a mile when I met him, i felt an overwheleming sympathy for him. I know how horrendous this sounds, but I think I mistook pity for love.
One night we had a discussion (with a large amount of drink on board) and he said to me sadly (we were boyfriend and girlfriend then) that no woman would ever be daft enough to marry him. I said I would, and before I knew what was going on, I was engaged. I told myself it would be a good thing, that finding someone who wanted to marry me was an achievement in itself. That if I waited for a thunderbolt love, I would end up alone. My greatest fear has always been to be alone - I need to love and be loved, that is who I am.
Six weeks before my 20th birthday, I went to see my mum and dad at their house and I found my father, who was at the time just 55, dead on the sofa. he had gone for a nap and his heart just...stopped. Only if you are a daughter, of the kind who worshipped their father and lost them in this sudden manner, can you understand how this felt or what it has done for me. And even then you can't fully understand it, because the experience is different for everyone. Safe to say that on the day he died, a part of me died with him, and I lost my smile. Having lost all care for everything, I went ahead with the marriage three months after he died.
I believe that my husband preyed on my vulnerability at this time and I believe that is when he went to work on my confidence. Don't get me wrong, I don't believe it was deliberate on his part, it's just that I allowed myself to be manipulated and changed because nothing really mattered to me. On the night of my wedding, my new husband was so drunk he disappeared upstairs to bed and never woke up again until the next day. I sat downstairs and cried my heart out.
Since that day all I ever did was try to make it work. I love my husband, but as I have said before, I'm not in love. I thought any kind of love was enough but it didn't take me too long to discover its not, not if you want to be happy. All that followed were years of misery, debt and wallowing in our own self pity that life was not what we wanted it to be. Occassionally when we argued he would get so mad he would hit me - never full on where someone could see the marks (mostly there were no marks). He had this thing about squashing my fingers, and holy hell does that hurt. He always knew how to make me cry too - simply by mentioning my father. I guess I should have taken to opportunity to leave then, but I couldn't bring ymself to do it. I know now I am going to sound weak if I defend him, because there is no excuse for it, but I feel I should. Because this happened 1% of the time we were together. The rest of the time it was fine, but never good. I never looked at him with butterflies in my stomach, or with that feeling of i can't imagine my life without him.
I changed totally in the autumn of 2006. I met up with an old friend and found myself spilling out all my grief over my father, and my overwhelming fear that somewhere along the line I had lost sight of myself. Somewhere along the line I had ceased to be me, and had simply become Mrs..... i dont know if that makes sense. She told me I should not be sad I lost my dad, I should be glad I had him. And to look at his death as his reward for a life where he had been purely selfless and had worn himself out always doing everything for everyone else and never asking for anything back. Those words changed my whole view of it. I still miss him, everyday, but it no longer dominates my life. She told me I would never make others happy until I made myself happy, and it was not selfish to want something that was just mine. So I enrolled at college to do my a levels. safe to say I recieved no support whatsoever from my husband, who believed I was wasting my time. I stuck at it, and the year was tough. At the beginning of this academic year I introduced myself to the internet and met the man I am now in love with, my soulmate, the man I believe I was destined to be with, the man I am now having an affair with (although in truth it feels more like I am having an affair with my husband these days). If you want to know more about that, read my first blog, 'digging a hole'.
This man made me realise that the thunderbolt exists, and he loves me how I need to be loved. he loves me and tells me so every chance he gets, he's very tactile (my husband will not hold my hand in the street because 'people dont want to see that') and when we make love, he cares how I feel and puts me first always. Best of all he is fully supportive in me and has unlimited faith in me, unconditional love of the kind I only ever had from my dad. out of three exams, I passed 1 and failed two. My husband said very little about it (but secretly probably thought that was the end of it), my soulmate told me to keep at at, to do whatever I needed to do to be happy. I enrolled on an Access to Social Sciences course. For those of you who don't know, in the UK an access course is for mature students, and gets you to university in one year. I'm four months in and I have a multitude of friends and am fulfilled. I have a plan for my future, I know what I want to be. The only problem I have now, is I want to go to univeristy in the north when I pass this course and set up a new life with my soulmate, but to do so I am going to have to leave my husband. I know this is the right move for me, but I don't know how to make the break without destroying him. I know I am doing him no favours by staying now but the simple truth is I am riddled with guilt at how gutless I am. If I give up on this other man and stay here for the rest of my life, nothing I achieve will mean anything and I will never be happy...but if I leave...I will literally tear my husband's heart in two, because he only has me, and a messed up family, and in his own way he loves me, I want to talk it over with my family, who I believe will support me if I go, but I'm too afraid, because I know what I am doing is wrong. When all is said and done, it's adultery and all of this is my fault, because I settled, because I made the wrong choice and because I trapped myself and don't know how to break free.
I look to my future and I see it so clearly, me and my soulmate...the rest of our lives. And it makes me so happy. And then reality kicks in and I realise what I am doing and how unfair I am being, on my husband and myself. I started using this site because I needed a release, and because I am hoping that someone out there can offer me some real advice, on just where the strength can be found to just say...'I don't want this, I want this'
Perhaps the worst thing is at the moment my husband and I are getting along really well, and he has finally come around to my way of thinking and is offering me support. The trouble is, he doesn't know it's too little too late, and I haven't the heart to tell him.
I believe writing on this site if nothing else will be theraputic, and where I want people to be understanding of my situation, if you have any comments, please be honest...just don't be harsh...be aware that I know I am bad person, but I'm trying to find a way through this.
Sometimes we all just need a bit of guidance.
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Posted by chebtastic1 on 2007-12-15 04:28:53 | Rating: | Views: 89
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