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Okey dokey...it's been four days since David went home and I still miss him, ALOT. Natural, I guess.
I've been plodding around college, wondering if I should tell people that I'm pregnant, afraid to do so because I am so terrified I am going to lose it.
I have miscarried before and I have managed to convince myself that it's gonna happen again. I couldn't bear it.
I want this so much, and I want it so much for David too. Especially for David, actually, cause his face when he found out...he tried to play it down a little but he couldn't hide it...the last jigsaw piece of his life slotted into place when he found out he was gonna be a daddy.
Okay...this is an uncomfortable thought, and even more uncomfortable when I write it down (cause it scares me) but I have to face up to it, and get past it, or through stress alone I'll miscarry.
What's scaring me is this:
What if I don't deserve it?
Lets face it...for a year I was cheating on my husband. And then I left him for another man. And now I'm pregnant by said other man.
I am so happy at the moment and every part of my life is slotting into place...wonderful man, university place, home by the seaside...baby on the way...but do I deserve to be this happy? When I had to lie and cheat to get here?
I'm not a good person, from that viewpoint of the cheating wife, etc...so if there is such a thing as karma...I am due a huge bite on the ass, and I am scared I will lose my baby.
I don't know if I should be worried, or if I'm just being my usual irrational self (have I just hit my self-destruct button?)
My mum, when I talked to her about all this, said i DO deserve all of this, BECAUSE I had to fight for it, because it didn't come easy and because as she sees it, its a reward for having the courage to step out of a life that wasn't right for me and make positive changes.
Me...I think she's a little too biased...I am, after all, her daughter, so she's not gonna think bad of me, is she?
Ah...I don't know...
I guess this is the start of the rambling I warned you all about!!!
Peace and love to you xxx
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Posted by chebtastic1 on 2008-02-28 06:52:16 | Rating: | Views: 104
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Sweetie .....I'm not your mother ...
but listen to your Mum
her words are words of truth
and exactly what I would tell you.
Why oh Why can't we just accept
happiness when it comes our way???
CHOOSE to dismiss these FALSE thoughts
when they creep into your mind.
When thoughts come
replace them with affirmations....
say ..... "I'm a wonderful special
unique human being ... I have love in my heart
to give ... to my man and to this child
growing inside me. I am worthy and deserve
happiness, kindness, gentleness, love, joy and all
good things in my life. Every good thing in this
world awaits me ... all I have to do is reach out
and grab hold of it. I have read your story ... all your
posts .... you are not a bad person. You are a person
who found themselves in a bad situation and was
courageous enough to make changes. Be happy ...
don't let your false thoughts rain on your parade.
My signature line in my email account reads....
Everything I Want In Life
Is On The Other Side Of Fear
FEAR - False Evidence Appearing Real
INSPIRE...DREAM...HOPE...BELIEVE...IMAGINE...CREATE
I'm thinking and praying for you.
Peace.
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Posted by ColoradoDreamin
on 2008-02-28 15:23:48
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Wow...thank you so much for your kind words. I feel like all my life I've been fighting a constant battle with self-confidence and self-doubt.
I have found that with David's love has come a stronger love of myself...but I still have more than my fair share of 'moments!'
I really, really appreciate your comments xxx
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Posted by chebtastic1
on 2008-02-28 18:12:41
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You are amazing, CODreamin. You always manage the say the exact, right thing to people. What a gift you have, my friend. Your affirmation was lovely.
As for you, chebtastic1 congratulations! Enjoy the little life growing inside of you and for goodness sake, forgive yourself. Stress is never good and beating yourself up serves no purpose. You had the courage to leave a bad marriage and hey, none of us can throw the first stone. Be happy and be strong. Peace.
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Posted by Ellie2008
on 2008-02-28 18:39:07
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You deserve this and more
You deserve it all
And as I told someone else on here once, do me a small favor, wish on a star for me, because oviosly your's come true
Be well
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Posted by whiteknight
on 2008-03-05 16:04:46
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