We had our usual long chat tonight, and mostly it was full of excitement about my trip to Newcastle next week.
We got to talking about the baby and he expressed this re-occuring fear he has that he is somehow too old to be of any use to his child. I think its just absurd, he's 44, not 84 and whatsmore, he's a very young 44.
The age gap bothers him more than it does me for sure. Not enough to cause problems, but enough that occasionally he thinks about it and frets a little.
He has me pegged as this young woman who's just embarking on the exciting journey of life and he doesnt get that I would not have achieved half of what have without him and that if he were not part of my life...well, it just wouldnt mean anything. I wouldn't say we've fallen out over this, but we have discussed it, extensively.
When he frets I translate that into doubts, and then I worry because I think he isnt sure this is what he wants. I worry he's being swept along, or when I'm feeling especially insecure, I wonder if he feels that to be near his child, he has to be near me, ie as a couple. Even if we weren't a couple there is no way I would come between him and his child.
David is a creature of habit. Every morning he goes to the shop, gets his paper and reads it with a cup of tea and some toast. He circles the horses he likes the look of and places a few bets online. He juggles money about all day, and sometimes he wins, rarely, he loses. He folds his clothes up in a neat pile when he gets ready for bed, brushes his teeth and sets his glasses on the window sill. I know if Newcastle are playing he may not answer the phone, and I have to check the scores so I know if he's gonna be happy or sad. Every other Thursday he goes to the nurse for a check up (he's diabetic)...there are a million and one things he does that mean I can pretty much predict his every move. He thinks these habits make him a fuddy duddy, I think they're cute and endearing and I like them because it means I am able to picture him going about his daily life when we are not together.
He has bad days where he might feel under the weather or his back bothers him (he had surgery a few years back on his lower spine) and sometimes he gets down about his weight (yep, men feel that way too) even though I love him as he is, he's my teddy bear. Those are the days he worries he is not up to scratch, as a partner or a potential father. No man could be better at either, in my opinion.
The thing is...while hes up there worrying hes not good enough for me, I'm down here wondering how the hell someone like me managed to get someone like him to love her...how I got so lucky.
Why is it human nature to reach for the self destruct button? Everything is perfect for us, we are in love, pregnant...why do we create these problems, these worries?
I just cant wait to see him. I believe when we are apart, we think alot and drift into areas of worry and fear that are unfounded. There is none of that when we are together.
So tonight I'm just thinking of me and him, where we belong, together. Its been 44 days since I felt those big strong arms around me, since I kissed him, since we walked along the sea front hand in hand and I miss him, I just miss him. I reckon he misses me too. When we are together properly, I think all those doubts will be gone and that feeling of 'this is sooo right' that we get when we are together, will be how we feel all the time, every day and night.
I have no idea if this blog makes any sense, because little I say or do seems to at the moment...but what the hey, I'll post it anyway.
As KP and Mamacita said on my last post
'I'm pregnant...so I'm excused...!'
Finally...I have an excuse for being an utter twonk.
Peace and love and gooooodddd niiiggghhhhtttt (its 00.20am here)
S'long xxx
Posted by chebtastic1 on 2008-04-02 19:25:00 | Rating: n/a | Views: 105
I do miss you. Very much. See you in a week. Night night darling xxx mmmwah! xxx
p.s. you might be a twonk (what the fuck is a twonk btw??) but you're MY twonk xxx
As a 45 year old guy I would love to be a dad again. David, kids drive you nuts but they keep you young. Trust me, my father was a lil younger than we are when my baby sis was born and she is the best of the lot !!
My husband was 45 when our youngest was born he is now 5, and between him and our daughter 9 it has been tough at times. But as my husband would say the kids have brought new life in to him. I think the have made him younger too.
So of course you are going to have fears, it is naturally, but the first time you hold your baby in your arms those fears as insignificant.
So hold strong, and enjoy the ride, in the hrd times as well as all the good times.
cheb...you can continue to use the pregnancy brain well after the baby's born..first you can be confused because all of the sudden the little person that was residing inside is now residing out in the open...plus lack of sleep tends to make one think less straight!! lol anything to help out!!
Once you and David are together and that tiny little person is there the world will feel right and everything will fall into place...your worries will melt away. I wish you 2 all the best!! Screw the age difference..as the late Aaliyah said "Age aint nothin but a number"
Can't add a thing to Mamacita's comment. It's true, once you're a family unit and you both sit side by side with that precious baby, everything will fall away and melt from view.
Glad to have "met" geordie yesterday when he posted comments about how much he loves your body!! Congratulations! I hope you have a wonderful reunion. XXX
Cheb, I'm 44. Tell your sweetie I'm offended that he thinks he is too old. LOL Seriously, I can tell him from personal experience that when he holds that beautiful baby, age will mean nothing. He will do whatever it takes, just like I would for N's baby.
It's lovely, to have that "its soooo right" feeling, day in and day out. Fear, doubts, and self-sabotage are normal. Just try not to let them get the best of either of you. Your love can see you through. :)
Hope you're doing well.
<3
Heeey, I've heard a lot about you through wifey and I thank you for you comments. It's nice to hear we sound like a good couple when we try, lol. So you're in England eh, what part? I lived there for a year in Caversfield and worked in Croughton.
