26007 Blog Feed: chebtastic1 2008-05-16 10:05:43 chebtastic1 Your e-mail address 97558 2008-05-16 10:34:10 Well I am well into my third trimester now. In eleven weeks and one day Stan will be here. I am overwhelmed with joy for him and grief for the babies I carried that didnt make it this far.
At every misscarriage I ever had hubby would always say 'there will be other babies' and I could never get him to understand that each baby was unique, that another baby would not be the one I lost. That even though they never made it that far along, to me each one was a person from the moment I found out about him/her, and that I grieved  for them like I had known them and met them.
Anyway...I dont want to delve too deep into that. 
There is certainly nothing wrong with Stanley. He is still kicking the hell out of me, still apparently very keen to get the hell out and meet us. He is gonna be big for sure, I am positively huge at the moment. 
As for me, right now I feel good, though everyone tells me I should expect to go through a tired phase soon. My mum said thsat during the eight month with my sister in particular (summer baby) by month eight she just wanted her out already...so I have that to look forward too. I am already growing impatient - I wanna meet him! I also want it to end so I can see him and hold him and have some control over him being safe - because of my medical history I have always felt a little like he is not safe in my womb, its like I see my womb as a hostile, baby-killing environment and I've had more than a few nightmares throughout the course of the pregnancy. I have to keep reminding myself that there have been no problems whatsoever with this pregnancy except for that bleeding I had which turned out to be nothing serious.
In eleven weeks my life changes for good and I cant wait.     ]]> 96890 2008-05-14 17:34:25 why is it, that your nose runs...and your feet smell? I mean...think about it! Just a thought...

(yep, I'm losing it...) ]]> 96746 2008-05-14 09:38:39 <object width="425" height="355"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/rUyH25quM7c&hl=en"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/rUyH25quM7c&hl=en" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="355"></embed></object>

When I leave university in 2011, hopefully with my joint honours degree, I want to go into a career of sorts in the field of youth crime.
People ask me all the time why I would chose a career like that, one that will be difficult, frustrating, challenging and maybe occasionally a little dangerous.

This week another teenager, just 16 years old, was stabbed in the neck and killed, over a silly disagreement. He died because he refused to fight. He bled to death in his brothers arms.

This has become a very serious issue in this country, and other countries too. Last year the governments response was to lower the age at which someone can be prosecuted for carrying a gun/knife and raise the sentence for younger people. This is not a solution, it will just in turn push the age of youths carrying guns and knives down too. Older drug dealers use young people to deal their crap, in schools and such...if they lower the age a youth can be prosecuted and raise the jail term to ten years or whatever...these people will get younger children to do their dirty work.

All of these measures constantly being put in place do nothing to sort the problem. Longer, harsher jail terms do nothing to solve the problem. I constantly hear, every time a young person is killed, that their killer should be locked up for life, the key thrown away. What good is that, when there are a million other kids all prepared to do the same, all in the same situation. I honestly feel that until we find out WHY these things keep happening, we will be unable to prevent it happening again.

I really want to be one of those few people who speak to young people, deal directly with them to find out why these things keep happening and work with them, not just sit passing judgement on them. If our youth has gone to pot, if they are a bunch of louts and murderers and druggies its because the generation before them has let them down, failed them. What could be so bad, as to lead a child (cause thats what they are) to go and kill someone? It isnt normal behaviour and whilst we sit in judgement we are letting them down. Todays generation are smart, very smart and we dont give them enough credit. They hold all the answers, the trouble is, no one hears them.

I dont have any answers, and I dont expect it to be an easy career path, but I want to try, to just be one of those rare people who listen without making assumptions.

I personally strongly believe that the root cause of this crisis is poverty. We think of poverty as an overseas problem, we think of African villages and such...but it exists here too. Poverty is relative to the area in which it exists. Poverty here is defined as a state where someone lives without the basic means of survival - without a secure roof over their heads, in substandard accommodation, without means of self preservation (no available jobs) without the means to feed oneself with proper food (have you ever lived on benefits? It is impossible to survive and eat decent food, when you are feeding several people on £45 a week). There are millions of people living like this in the UK and that is going to have consequences.

Some people say shame on the youth of today, I say shame on us, for allowing it to get this far, for not asking WHY.

What do you guys think?


p.s. I want to dedicate this post to young people who have lost their lives to violence and crime, or who have been victims of so-called youth crime. I'm afraid there are so many I cant remember them all, so if want to add any, please do.

Rhys Jones (12 yrs old) shot dead playing on his bike
Damilola Taylor (10 yrs old) stabbed in the leg, bled to death in a stairwell, just moths after coming to Britain for a 'better life'
Jimmy Mizen (16 yrs old) - stabbed in a bakery, for refusing to fight
Billy Cox (15 yrs old) murdered because he was 'in the wrong place at the wrong time'
Danielle Beccan (14 yrs old) shot 'acidentally' in a drive by coming home from the Goose fair in Nottingham 
Marian Bates (42 yrs old) - shot dead in her jewellers in Nottingham, in a botched robbery
Gary Newlove (44 yrs old) kicked to death infront of his wife and young children for confronting some youths who kicked a football at his car
Javarie Crighton (21 yrs old) - found stabbed to death in his bedroom - police still dont know why he was targeted
Michael Dosunmu (15 yrs old) - a case of mistaken identity - murdered in his bed
Jason Gale-Bent (17 yrs old) - minding his own business on a park bench, stabbed to death
Jessie James (15 yrs old) - killed in a fight that got out of hand

like I say...too many more to remember their names, but they shouldnt die in vain. This cant be right! xx
  

]]> 96257 2008-05-13 07:06:30 I just commented on a blog from someone who I consider a good friend on here, and its prompted me to write a post too.

HungryHeart wrote a post about his first six months on this site and the warm and kind response he has recieved on here, and how good it is to be able to talk about things and issues that cant be discussed in the 'real' world.

I wholeheartedly agree.

It prompted me to have a look back at my own blog. Its five months tomorrow since I first wrote on here. I barely recognise the person who wrote those earlier posts. They make me both sad and thankful. Sad that I fel so bad in myself, thankful for everything that makes me the new person I am now, for everything that made me happy.

I have had a few comments over my five months here from people thanking me, for a variety of things - from proving at least one 'new man' exists, to showing that fertility problems dont always mean no baby, ever, to thanks for sharing my happiness and giving hope that anyone can be this happy if they trust in their own heart and instincts. That even the most hopeless situation can be turned around, if we open our hearts and minds to the opportunities and chances that are thrown our way every day and all to often ignored through sheer fear of the dreaded 'what ifs'

HungryHearts made me kinda teary eyed because I came on here to meet people who might make me feel better, and I have. To know I have maybe in some small way made someone else feel good means so much.

Without this place as an outlet for my thoughts and emotions, without the support of people here, I would not have found the courage to make the choices I did that led me to where I am today.

I think that even with the occasional side swipes, nastiness or often (I think) just a bit of thoughtlessness, pushing that aside, this place is wonderful. Look at the people who found love on here, who express love on here.

We humans are like pressure cookers - he have to let things out sometimes and without an outlet such as this, we build up pressure and hold it in, making us miserable, or we let it out in the wrong way, with cruelty, violence or harm to ourselves or others.

I think many of us underestimate how much of an impact we have on the lives of those we comment on, or how much it means to some just to leave a few kind words.
I am seriously wondering how many lives have been saved on this site, just because it removes the feeling of being alone.

I am fast approaching my happy ending, and so I guess my orginal reason for being here is invalid now, but I will be staying on this site, in the hopes that my happy story might inspire others, so that I can continue to be inspired by the wonderful people on here and so that hopefully occasionally I leave someone a comment that makes their day just a little brighter.

Thank you all, very much, I've said it before and I'll say it again and again...thank you x

Have a lovely day and spread the joy, it really is a wonderful life!!

Cheb xxxxxxxx ]]> 95796 2008-05-12 04:16:00 Okay, so me and my family spent the later part of yesterday afternoon in the pub (don't worry, I was not drinking!) and this blog follows on from a conversation I was having then.
As David has said, he is very good at talking, in that he can express himself vocally very well. Me...I tend to write things down better, because I seem to need that little extra moment to properly think what it is I want to say.
I was trying to explain something yesterday but no one got what I meant and I reckon at one point it came out down right wierd.
We were talking about me and David and the fact that he is eighteen years my senior. I was asked why I think it works so well, and whether I think it would be different if the ages were the other way around, ie if I were the older one.
What I was trying to say is I think it works because him being older is what seems to work for me.
Okay...I'm gonna try to explain the tricky bit now without you all thinking I'm a devient and you tell me if theres logic there or not.
I've studied Psychology three times now in some sense. Okay, Freud. In my humble opinion, Freud was a nutcase. His theories, like the Oedipus Complex, literally came from his head and no solid reliable research.
But when it comes to the impact our parents have on us, I think he was on to something.
There is an eighteen year age gap between David and my dad. If my dad had lived past 55, he would have been 63 this year.
They have alot in common though. They are both very kind hearted and selfless, both extremely polite and well mannered, both old fashioned and respectful, both with a lousy sense of humour, and I think thats why I love David. Because he is so much like my dad.
Thats the bit I realise sounds odd, because it sounds like I am comparing my feelings for dad with my feelings for David, and obviously they shouldnt be the same.
What I am trying to say is that I do think if a girl has had a good relationship with her father, she will then be drawn to men like her father. And thats whats happened here. Its just that my dad was old fashioned in a way that younger guys just arent anymore. In the way that only older men are.
Thr main thing they have in common is that from them both I felt and feel,  totally safe, secure and protected and I love that feeling. Finally, they both loved and love me unconditionally, no matter what and that feels amazing too.
The love I feel for them is a different kind, but the same strength. And the bond that I had with my dad, I have of the same (almost) strength with David.
He's so similar to dad that I couldnt meet him and NOT love him, but every time I try to explain that, it always comes out sounding like I had a very 'wrong' relationship with my dad, or that I see David as my dad, and of course, neither is true.
I have to go to college now, but I may add more later. In the meantime, if anyone reads this, could you please tell me if any of that made sense?  ]]> 95257 2008-05-10 09:26:03 Ex hubby is away for the weekend and has given me the keys to his (formerly our) flat. His tenancy ends soon and he hasnt started packing yet, and theres still loads of my stuff there.
So this weekend I am spending sorting through it all, trying to whittle it down to as little as possible.

Its hard, harder than I thought it would be. I am a ridiculously sentimental person, throughout my life I have hung on to everything and its an annoying silly habit that I cant seem to shake.
Everytime I think...thats gotta go, I bin it or put it in the 'not coming with me' pile and then I get a change of heart - and I cant let it go.
To say I was largely unhappy these last few years, I am having real trouble parting with anything that I have accumilated over this time.

Example - I have a bag full of TY beanies. I brought a couple back when I was 15 or something, and it got so everyone bought them for me, and before I knew it, I had about 150 of the little critters. I'm now debating selling them on eBay or something - not the special ones though. Some my mum brought me (she had to go online to find one called 'Holiday Heidi' , my name) cannot go. Some are rare and worth a fair bit. So do I hang on to them, or let them go? Money sure would come in handy with little guy on the way.

I have discovered I have over 200 CD's too. Then theres the other stuff, like photos, ornaments, books, videos, DVD's...I cant keep it all, and yet I cant seem to let it go!

As I trawl through it all, I feel an odd mix of sadness, nostalgia and relief and for some reason these emotions dont sit well together. We had a long time together, that seems all the longer because we were so young. We weathered alot and I think we can be proud we made it as far as we did, the odds were stacked against us.

During our marriage we moved 8 times (we were evicted alot because we couldnt afford to live anywhere, we were skint all the time), we lost my dad, then my grandad, then his grandad, then his  aunt, then his brothers best friend (aged 11), four babies, we were harrassed to the point where I wanted to die by an abusive neighbour, hubby went through stages of violence towards me, we put up with constant interference from his family, we rescued our first dog and then watched our second dog grow up from an eight week old pup (bless I miss my dogs)...all this stuff tells that story and it makes me feel...grief.

David darling...if you read this, please dont misinterpret it...I have no regrets about the path I have chosen, and no desire to go back, or back track in the slightest.

Its just weird I guess...seeing your previous life there ready to be sifted through, deciding what gets to move on with me and what gets left behind.

I know what David will think now...I am over analysing, like these things represent my emotions, my feelings (what, moi? over analyse? Never! Haha) but thats just me.
I look at this stuff and know I need none of it (havent over the past few months) and yet...I dont wanna let it go. Some of it just...means too much.

Its gonna be a long weekend, and to top it off, its 27 degrees C - thats hot for here!

Happy weekend guys xxxx ]]> 94622 2008-05-08 14:20:52 My sister was born in the summer, in June and my mum has always said that it was by far the hardest of the two pregnancies, on account of the heat.

I have spent months praying for sunshine, and now it is here, I can understand what she was talking about. Dont get me wrong, I love this weather. The sun is glorious and its so nice to have the windows open, sit out in the garden and just...relax. But going anywhere is a bit of a nightmare, because after half an hour of walking around shops for example, I feel like I am literally cooking from the inside out!! Haha x

I'm looking forward to getting up to Newcastle again, because yes, it does tend to be hotter up there, but you also get the north sea wind too and if all else fails, you can have an ice cream and go for a paddle to cool down!

I'm just thinking now...its May. Come August, what will it be like, how hot?
I dunno what it is about us British - we moan eternally that its too cold, and when the good weather finally does come, we moan we're too hot! We shut blinds because its too bright and sit trying to cool down.

Ahh sod it...as much as Stan (who doesnt seem to like it) will allow it, I'm gonna enjoy the summer, because it will be the best summer of my life.
Happy Thursday guys. xxxx

]]> 93839 2008-05-06 15:01:23 Okay...I suspect that I know what that funny feeling was I had yesterday.

I woke up at 4am today with some serious pains in my tummy...sure felt like labour to me! So much so, I was squealing for my mum, and rambling about how I have another 9 weeks yet and its too soon...blah blah blah...because of my past history with pregnancy, I have to go to the hospital when theres any hint of a problem, so off mum and I went.

Turns out it was Braxton Hicks.

Now I thought they happened in the last few weeks, but as the midwife pointed out, I kinda am in the last few weeks now. There's really not long left.
It did scare me a bit (mostly because I got a glimpse of how labour is gonna feel!) but at the same times its filled me with excitement.

I've lost four babies, but I'm not gonna lose this one - he's alive and kicking and getting ready to be here with us. Finally - finally - I get to be a mummy.

I told David when I got home, because he made me promise to share everything with him. And his response had me laughing, literally, for hours.

He said 'Oh aye...I know what those are called...dont tell me...dont tell me...Branston Hicks!'
I dunno about the rest of the world, but over here Branston is a brand of pickled onions, which led me to reply
'I'm not giving birth to a jar of pickles, Dave!'

We laughed for ages and we're both really excited now.

Two weeks today I'm back on a train to see him again, and I cant wait for a cuddle.

Peace and love to you and yours

Cheb and Stan xxxx   ]]> 93311 2008-05-05 07:26:35 Today I have an odd feeling. Odd is the closest word I can think of to describe the feeling.
Its not a negative emotion, not at all. Just a feeling of something coming, only I dont know what. Like I should be on the lookout because something is gonna happen. Ahh...I know I'm making no sense.
Does anyone else ever get that feeling? Like there is something just on the edge of your consciousness that your mind tells you you should be trying to grasp, only you dont know why or how to do that?
I guess the word I'm looking for is vibe - I keep getting this vibe.
Is there anyone out there who knows what I mean and more importantly, what it might mean for me?
Its driving me potty and keeps sending a chill down my spine - result? The heebie jeebies.
Lol x
I am going mad. Its official xxx ]]> 93062 2008-05-04 08:46:14 I had the most surreal and unexpected conversation last night.

I got a phone call, at one in the morning, from ex hubby. At first I thought...oh, what does he want? Maybe he's drunk or whatever. As it turns out he was ringing to tell me one of our dogs had gotten out and they couldnt find him. We have two dogs, who now live with ex hubby and the in laws. The dogs are happy there and its better for them to stay there.

Unless you have pets of your own, expecially dogs, its gonna be hard for me to explain what they mean to me. For years in our marriage the dogs acted as sort of replacement children - we couldn't have kids, so we had dogs. So the knowledge that one of them was missing got me dressed and out looking for them in a matter of minutes.

We wandered around the streets for nearly an hour. We got to reminiscing about the dogs and the silly things they have gotten up to over the years and then naturally moved on to other things. I always maintained that there were no really happy times for us, but he reminded me of a couple of times when we got close to having that, so I stand corrected.

Alot was said, that for his sake I would like to keep between us (after all, he is not here to defend himself) and alot of issues laid to rest.
I was honest with him, and he returned the honour, perhaps more than he ever did before. He took responsibility for his part in the breakdown of our marriage.
And then he stopped walking, and he took my hands and said,

'I wish...you and I had stayed friends from the beginning. The day we tried to turn it into something more, we ruined it. I only want you to be happy. That's all I want.'

I told him I was happy, and he smiled, seemed genuinely pleased about that. I asked him was he okay and he told me he would be.

Out of the corner of his eye he spotted our dog and we literally had to sort of drag him back by the scruff of his neck, as he obviously had no lead on. When we got back to his mums, she was waiting for us and she simply shot me a disapproving look (she has never and probably never will forgive me for doing what she never could (she is far from happy in her own marriage) and of course, there is the baby - her chance to be a grandmother again, but she isnt).

Hubby told her to take the dog inside and he was walking me home. I'll be honest, I thought he might try it on, its sorta his style, but he didn't. When we reached my mums he just said 'I guess kissing you is not a good idea' and I shook my head. He hugged me, very briefly, and just said. 'I'm sorry'
Before I could say anything back to that, he was gone.

I've told Dave all about this and was reminded again how lucky I am to have someone so mature and understanding, who saw this as I did - as closure. And I have been honest in my feelings too.

Last night made me sad. Not because I miss hubby, or what we had, but just because...we both wasted so much time. I'm lucky I still found my soulmate but what if his passed him by while he was with me?

Life is too short, too short to be with the wrong person, too short for regrets, too short for anger, resentment, bitterness and hate.

Thats a lesson I learned the hard way, but when was anything worth learning easy to learn?

Peace and love guys xxx

Cheb xxx ]]> 92791 2008-05-03 11:26:57 Today me and my family went to Eyam. If you're not from the UK, you can be forgiven for not having a clue where Eyam is, and maybe even if you are. It all depends on what you remember from history class at school I guess!
Eyam is in the Derbyshire Dales. In 1665 a parcel containing patterns and cloth was delivered to a tailor from London. When he opened the parcel, he found the cloth to be damp, so he put it by the fire to dry out. What he didnt know was that it was full of plague carrying fleas. The plague spread through the village very quickly, all but wiping the population out.
What makes this place (or rather the people) so incredible to me, is that they held a meeting when they realised what was happening, and all swore they would not leave the village. They would put themselves into a self imposed quarantine. And aside from two people (who thankfully were not carrying the plague) NO ONE LEFT. I find this amazing. Everyone dying around them, and people stayed so as not to spread the disease around. It was surely a death sentence. One of the only 2 who did leave only did so after having lost her entire family, including her baby, all of whom she had to bury.
I find the story of the place incredibly sad and also uplifting. An extraordinary act of mass-selflessness. I wonder now would people do the same? I suspect that cars would be packed with stuff and driven off to spread the disease all over, without a thought to the consequences. The modern world has made people kinda selfish I think.
The last time I visited Eyam was when I was 7 years old with school and it got to me so much then I never forgot it. So it was wonderful to see it again. Much of it is as it was 340 years ago. Its like stepping back in time. I've added a video on that gives a tour and tells the story better than I could.
I hope you find it as interesting as I do. And if history isnt your thing, have a look at the scenery instead, its truly spectacular. My dad used to love to go for long walks in the Derbyshire countryside, and after today...I totally get why.

Peace and love guys xxxxx

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]]> 92086 2008-05-01 04:44:54 Could it be,
That the lady is me in the photograph?
I'm afraid
Cause it feels too good
And I want it too bad,

It's just not true
Couldn't ask for any more than you
Because you look at me
As though I'm beautiful
Could it be that you want me?

I never dreamed someone like you
Could want
Someone like me

I'm not sure
But the more that its real, the more its right
Ooh, what a night
It's as though we've been lovers
All of our lives

There must be a God
Could it be that he's heard me at last?
Because you look at me
As though I'm beautiful
Could it be the lady's me?

I never dreamed someone like you
Could want
Someone like me

All the pain, and the pleasure's the same
It goes so fast
I'm the girl
With the strawberry hair,
In the photograph

So come on, lets dance
Let me have it while I have the chance
'Cause there's another world
Where there are other girls
But tonight there's only me

I never dreamed someone like you
Could love
Someone like me

Katie Irving, 1976 ]]> 90904 2008-04-27 18:37:38 So my auntie is here to stay for a few days. I may have mentioned her before, shes from Liverpool and doesnt like David much (despite never having met him). I think to her mind, he is just a dirty old man who split me and hubby up and is with me to boost his ego or something. She was the one who told me I should have stayed in my marriage even if I was miserable, because I 'made my bed' - this advice from a woman who never married herself.

Last time I had to fiercly defend David and was expecting much of the same this time. She's been here 12 hours or so and so far so good. Maybe shes coming round, maybe she's seeing that we are still together, that we were not just a fling, that he is a good guy who loves me and will love our baby unconditionally (actually already does). Maybe. Honestly, I dont care. The only person who's feelings mattered to me were mums and shes over the moon with how things have turned out for me.

So far she sat silently earlier whilst I talked on the phone in the next room (I never heard her once utter any comments to my mum) and afterwards said nothing.

I hope thats an end to it, because at the moment my emotions are on a knife edge, shifting in a heartbeat from sad to happy to angry and back again so fast...she wont know what hit her if she starts on my David.

I have explained what kind of man he is. How our original intention was to be friends and falling in love caught us completely off guard, how he makes me feel so complete and so loved, how he is a giver and a carer and with him I feel safe secure and wanted...I have told her how much I love him for giving me the gift of a baby...and I dont know if she now accepts that or not. I guess thats down to her.

She is here for 4 days, and if she starts I will defend my man with a passion.

Its half eleven at night and tomorrow I have a law exam which I know I'm gonna balls up. Stan is kicking me and despite a massive storm we had earlier, the air is thick and muggy (a midlands word there if ever there was one) so I opened the window, only to let a mozzie in, which I squished firmly to prevent getting bitten.

I have a feeling I can expect a restless nights sleep tonight.

I am fed up and missing my man more than I can say. Hearing his voice is wonderful, and seeing him on webcam...but there is nothing like his hands on me, his arms around me, his lips on my lips...the smell of him and the warmth of him.
Its another 23 days til I see him and it feels like such a long time tonight.

I'd better try and get some sleep
Night all

Cheb x ]]> 90371 2008-04-25 21:05:18 Following on from my last post about romantic love, I've been thinking about some good points made to me on this issue.
One such point was that people dont necessarily love any less, they just stop vocalising and showing it as much. I think thats true. There is an assumption that after a time, it no longer needs saying, because your partner should know how ya feel.
Well I think that most people, especially women, need to hear it, feel it and see it. It should never just be this thing that floats unsaid between you...cause when you're not looking it might float away.
So if you love someone, go and tell them, right now. Show them, tell them what you feel for them, why you feel it, why you want them to know...dont worry about how silly you might look...just say it. Love is like flowers in a vase...a beautiful thing, but unless you keep them watered, they will die, no matter how beautiful they were to begin with.

So David...I love you. You love your gorgeous big brown eyes...I love your strong arms...I love the mole on the back of your neck...I love the nail on your right hand that does grow right...I love your sensitivity...I love your sense of humour...I love your positivity...your faith in everything and in me...I love that we have made a life together and a baby...I love every part of you, inside and out...and I always will. I will never stop telling you, and I know you will never stop loving me. Thats how I know we will be okay.

Now if theres someone you feel this way about...go tell them. It will take you minutes out of your day...and mean the world to them, I guarantee it.

God knows, this world needs more love and less bullshit.

Peace and love to you all

Cheb & Stanley xxx ]]> 89907 2008-04-24 10:56:04 Recently alot of people on here, and in every day life, have marvelled at how me and David are with each other. I've had alot of people saying how wonderful it is to hear a couple so obviously in love, expressing it so openly and romantically.

I know by the same token, there might be people who read our blogs and think jeez, how sloppy.

But the thing is...I don't think we could or will ever stop being that way. And its really not that big a deal in the sense that all we are doing is saying what we feel, vocalising it. I'm proud to be with David, I'm proud of what we have and what we've built up together through our love - I mean, we are bringing a life into this world, that's half me and half him, we have a whole future just waiting to be lived out. Of course I'm gonna shout about that from the rooftops. I thought thats what people did when they loved someone.

What I am saying (and as usual, I'm rambling on in the process) is that it saddens me to think that what we have is so rare that people marvel at it and go 'awe its so sweet to listen to you two', or 'awe look at you two, so cosy together, it really cheers me up', that people dont just do this.

Is romantic love really so rare?

Those of you who have been or are in relationships, expecially long-term relationships, do you not feel this way about your partner? Or is it comfortable and cosy? If it is just comfortable and cosy, is that enough? Do you still tell your partner how much you love them, every chance you get? Do you hug them for no reason, do you hold their hand no matter where you are and who's around you? Are you still proud to be with them, do you still look at them and fall in love all over again?

A theory was put forward to me that the reason me and David are still in that zone, that honeymoon period stage, is because the times we have spent together have largely been happy times. We have yet to be tested properly by lifes stresses and strains. That once the excitement of the baby, and moving house calms down, we will settle into our relationship and chill out a little.

Do I agree with that? No, I gotta say I dont. I see the logic behind it, but I dont think a day will ever pass that I dont wake up filled with excitement because he is lying beside me.

I think if I ever stopped loving him as much, than maybe we would calm down, but thats not gonna happen. I cannot concieve ever loving him less, or not wanting to show that, wanting to tell him that, and wanting to tell the world.
So thats just what I'm gonna keep doing.

Peace and love guys xxxxxxx

]]> 89632 2008-04-23 14:49:03 Happy St Georges Day!!

]]> 88824 2008-04-21 07:08:23 Advanced warning - this blog will be full of ramblings, things that have nothing to do with each other and all that kinda stuff. It's been a while since I wrote anything at all, and I have a feeling I will just let a load of stuff out now.

Its Monday morning and my head is scrambled. Not sure what is going on there, but I am incapable of thinking straight about anything, I am in a permanent state of confusion. I've always been a bit like that, but recently its worse. I'm not worried about it, cause I know why...its because I have so much stuff in my head, so much to think about, very now and then I go into over drive.

I've been worried about David since I got home. If you read his last entry, you'll know we went to his friends funeral. I know the idea that he was the same age as David scared him. One thing I've noticed about David is when he gets nostalgic he gets sad - I mean, just read his blog about his dad. I guess we all do. When we think of, or talk about people, things and places past...we always end it with a deep sigh and an air of sadness. Why? Why are these memories sad? Because we no longer have those times here and now? So what, we are constantly making new ones. I guess its human nature, and when did human nature ever make sense.

That day for me was an odd one because it was different to any funeral I've ever been to.
It was a humanist service (and I have now decided that is what I want), which doesnt mourn the death, it celebrates the life. And the wake was the same. I mean it started a little quiet, but people soon settled in and then it was like a party. People laughing, joking and having a ball. I loved it, being with David and surrounded by his mates, people who have known him since he was a kid, people who knew his father (and spoke fondly of him)...

So he's been down, as one would expect, since then though...worried I think, about how someone can die so young really, its no age. I keep reminding him, his friend didnt die suddenly, it was a degenration over a few years, as he drank and drank until his body gave in - death was the inevitable outcome. David likes a drink, and like the best of us, will occasionally have too many, but he doesnt drink all day every day. Hes a big guy, but he looks after himself. You cant live being afraid of death, or you're not living at all. I know these emotions are temporary, that soon enough he will start to feel better, but I wish I could be there now. Four weeks to go!

Every time I am with him, I have tried to store as many of the little things as I can, as memories I can look back on when we are not together. There were a few moments from this last trip to look back on. Defining moments, if you will. I dont know if that makes sense. Okay, I should try to explain.

You're head over heels in love with someone, I mean your world revolves around them. You can be doing something special, or not and just suddenly look at them and get that thunderbolt you got when you first realised you loved them. I call them 'God I love you' moments, those instances where I feel the love so strong I'm afraid I might burst.

Okay, so one such moment was the day I blogged about - on Tynemouth Pier. We're standing on a bit of concrete a mile out to sea, its incredibly windy and the sea is crashing against the side of the pier, you could feel the rumble and it was both scary and exhillerating. It was the most amazing feeling, because it was like just standing on the sea, nothing around us but nature, wonderful mother nature, kicking up a storm. A massive wave came over the top of us, drenching us instantly and following the initial shock of it, we burst out laughing and he wiped the  water from my (now very rosey) cheeks, and smiled and said 'we need to get you somewhere dry and warm'. I looked up at him, had a 'God I love you' moment and kissed him, then we fell into a hug. I will never ever forget that moment.

So another one was much more simple than that, but will stick nevertheless.
So we're at the wake, and I'm talking to a couple of friends of his from school, we're all having a laugh and a giggle and people are asking how we met and what on earth is a lovely young lady like me doing with him (joking) and I look to my right where he is sitting. Of course, we've just been to a funeral, so he's wearing his black trousers, white shirt and black tie and he smiled at me and I had to catch a breath. He just looked gorgeous. Of course, there is something about a guy in a suit anyway!

One of the things I have always loved about him is that he makes the effort. He's a smart guy, neat, tidy and mindful of how he looks. He's not vain, but he wont go out without having a shave if he needs one. My hubby had a 'people should take me as I am' kinda attitude to things, which is true to an extent but for him it was more an issue that he couldnt be bothered to try.

So I knew it was slightly wrong to be having the thoughts I was (it was a wake after all!) but he just looked edible in that suit, hehe x I was, as I ever am, so so proud to be there on his arm and people were just lovely.

This time when I left on the train the tears belonged to him. I go back on the 20th of May and I cant wait.

Until then though...me and Stan are doing fine. I am as big as a bus and loving it! I was shopping the other day trying to find some nice long tops - I cant stand to see pregnant bellies hanging out. I know I'll cause controversy there, but I dont like it. I understand that its nothing to be ashamed of, I just personally dont like it. Plus, its cold, so I need to keep Stan warm.
I am loving every part of being pregnant. I'm putting weight on - so what, I was fat anyway. I had stretch marks before so they're nowt new either...people get up on the bus so I can sit down...suddenly I can start a conversation with anyone...life is bliss!

Anyhoo...now I am talking crap, so I'm gonna stop and grab myself something to eat.
Take care everyone
Mummy and Stan xxxxx   ]]> 87177 2008-04-16 06:04:11 If you have read David's blog, you will have gathered that we have had the second scan and yep...its a boy!! Months of being sure its a girl...and its a boy. Are we disappointed?? Oh my God no! We squealed the place down, both of us. 24 hours later we are still floating on cloud nine.
Today is exactly one year since we met, to the day, our anniversary if you like...and tomorrow is my birthday. I'm in the place I love, with the man I love, carrying our boy, on our anniversary, my birthday is tomorrow...does it get any better than this. No.
David's face when he saw the scan is one I will never forget. It was just so damn clear...ten toes and ten fingers and his daddy's cheeky grin...all could be seen, it was just incredible. David burst into tears and then so did I, he just kept say...'my son...'
For the last 24 hours he has been carrying the scan pictures around and showing them to anyone who wanted to see them (and a few that maybe didnt)...to family, friends, strangers in the street, announcing proudly 'this is my son!'
Its so heart warming.
When I can prise it from his fingers I'll scan it and upload a piccy for you all.
For now though, I gotta go...its my last day up here for a month or so, and well...cuddles with my fella or blogging...sorry guys, no offence...chat later tonight or tomorrow.
Be well and be happy

David, Cheb and Stanley (yep, Stanley...cute huh??) xxxx ]]> 86593 2008-04-14 16:38:49 I wasnt going to blog again until tomorrow night when we will know the sex of the baby but at the end of the day today I am just floating on air so I thought I'd write another quick one, I may elaborate on it another time.
Today we decided it would be sweet and lovely to take a little walk along the beach and so we went to Tynemouth. It was already spitting with rain when we set out and by the time we got to the beach it was unbelievably windy, and we were more than a bit soggy, but it was just wonderful. It was cold, wet and windy...and just stunning. The sea was very rough and the waves crashing against the rocks.
David suggested it might be nice to walk out along the pier, which basically stretches about a mile out to sea with an old disused lighthouse at the end. Of course, with the sea getting rougher and rougher, the waves were crashing up over the side and we got an occasional shower. What made me laugh was that whilst he was trying to take a picture of me, David fell victim to a particularly large wave which came right over his head and literally drenched him. What was funny was that he seemed to think that closing his eyes and putting his hands on his head would stop him getting wet! Suffice to say it did not.
Still...my laughter was short lived when on the way back another one got me. We had decided we were going for a lunch before getting the bus back home, and we walked in to the pub (wearing jeans I might add) literally soaked through, as though we had had buckets of water thrown over us. As David put it to the barman, his phone was 'doing the back stroke' in his back pocket, haha
What an awesome day.
We were the last to venture onto the pier today, it was closed off when we came to the end because it had gotten too dangerous. If I could go back knowing how soaked I was gonna get...I'd have done it again anyway...because standing out there, in the wind and rain at the end of the pier, nothing but me, David and the sea crashing around us, I felt like I could take on the world, like nothing could ever make me sad again.
Tomorrow is a big day.
I cant wait.
Be well and be happy

Cheb xxx   ]]> 85824 2008-04-12 05:37:18 Hi guys...
Well, I'm here in Newcastle and as happy as a pig in...well, muck. Our reunion was every bit as wonderful as I knew it would be and I reckon he's as happy as I am (smiles).
Just a quick blog today, because we are off to the beach soon, just for a little walk. The sun is trying to get out and we might be lucky weather wise and not get drenched.
I will write more on Tuesday, when we have had the second scan and we know the sex of the baby.
Until then...be well, be healthy and above all...be HAPPY.

David, Cheb & Babby xxx ]]>