Okay...so after a slightly dodgy morning (some serious self pity, self doubt and self loathing kicking in, as for a while there I hit my self destruct button) I had a somewhat better afternoon.
I told everyone at college that I'm pregnant and they're all delighted for me - they're a great bunch! As the course is for mature students, alot of them are already mums, so it got a conversation going in the canteen about their pregnancies.
What surprised me as one of their major concerns was the issue of weight;
E: 'Oh God, I put tonnes of weight on when I had Josh...I never really shifted it!'
L: 'Yeah, I was the same...and the cellulite! Jeez....'
E: 'Yeah, but I was a big girl to begin with. I took one look in the mirror last night and thought 'no, I'm not having this no more...I'm gonna lose three stone by this summer, cause I'm not wearing no shorts that show off these legs this year!'
The conversation went on before one of them noticed me smiling and apologised for potentially painting a 'negative picture' of pregnancy and parenthood.'
Thing is, that wasn't what I was smiling at. I was just thinking...I used to be like that. In fact, when I first started talking to David, before we met in person, I used to reiterate to him over and over that I was a big girl (fat, basically), because I couldn't understand how he could be attracted to me like that.
The summer of 2006 was the hottest one I ever remember it, I mean it was sweltering...and I spent it in jeans, I was so uncomfortable wearing shorts, I just wouldnt do it. I was a jeans and sweater gal, all year round, hated every part of my body.
It might sound silly to say that I hold David solely responsible for changing my attitude to my body, but I do. He worked hard at it too, so he deserves some recognition. Over the past year I have gotten to know him intimately, and he I, knowing me better than anyone ever has. Whereas most men hate to go clothes shopping with a woman, with us it is the other way around - HE drags ME, and he has great taste in clothes, knows what will fit me and what won't, he even knows my bra size (and how many men can say that??). He's encouraged me out of my traditional black, and I have actually found myself being perfectly confortable walking down the street in a bright red top, or white, or even yellow. If you knew what I used to be like...you'd understand.
A year ago I couldn't look anyone in the eye...I didn't smile, I hid behind baggy jeans and t-shirts, chewed my nails, ate and ate, smoked like a chimney, bought bra packs and huge pants (Bridget Jones style), I looked like a boy and hung around with lads, telling myself I had nothing in common with girls my age.
Now...I don't wear anything baggy (I buy the right size for me, so things fit right), I stopped smoking seven weeks ago, stopped biting my nails two weeks ago, all my friends, save for three are girls my age (who, as it turns out, I have lots in common with), and I look very much like a girl...I even find myself wandering around lingerie departments looking at sexy undies and thinking, not 'Girls my size shouldn't wear that!', but 'Ooh, they have it in my size!!'
Every time I go to Newcastle I've always bought something new to show David undies-wise, or he has bought for me something...and I actually feel sexy.
So as I sat there listening to them talk about their various diets, I was just smiling, cause I was just thinking...you know what? That will never be me again. I like being me. What's the good of a diet anyway? If you can't stick at it for the rest of your life, how long before you slip and start eating what you used to again. Then the weight comes back and you end up miserable and feeling like a failure. There's no logic to that unless you're into hurting yourself emotionally.
I feel like I should be at one of those meetings, stand up and say;
'My name's..... , I'm fat. I have huge boobs, a fat arse, a wobbly belly and chubby fingers...and I bloody well love it!'
I really am quite happy just as I am, and its only the last year, out of my almost 27 years, that I have truly felt like that. I am, as David puts it, a 'volumptious' woman and that suits me fine. I'm not huge (UK size 20) but I'll never be a super model either (and oh what a loss that is...ha).
I believe alot of weight problems are largly down to a lack of confidence and self-love, and whereas self-love comes from within...sometimes its nice to have someone to just give you a kick start, make you see yourself the way they see you. I believe thats what David does for me.
So as I walked home from college I was feeling pretty damn good, compared to how I felt in the morning.
I decided to go into town instead and go shopping for a couple of new bras (because I'm off up to Newcastle in two weeks! lol).
They were offering a free fitting service so I went for it and whaddaya know? They've only gone and grown!!!
My boobs/chebs have grown from a 40E to a 40F (yes, that's F) in the space of a couple of weeks. And I'm still only what? Three and a half months pregnant. Jeez...they cant get any bigger, surely!
I couldn't help but smile as the assistant went off to see what they had in that size, and I looked at myself in the mirror and thought...yeah, you're okay. That's a big deal for me.
I was also thinking...
'How much do those plastic people pay for a set like these??'
Lol xxx
Much love to you all
Love Yourself, whatever yourself may be!!!! :-) xxxxxx
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