I have been awake since 5.30am (it's currently 8.45am in merry old England). There was the most beautiful sunrise this morning (leading me to believe there is snow on the way for Christmas after all) and I stood outside for an hour or so, just looking up to the sky and smiling to myself.
I talked to Dave last night on the pc, using the webcams, for about an hour. He said the most wonderful things to me, and by the time we had finished chatting I was in tears, but in a good way.
First he asked me had I noticed how it was getting harder to be apart. The last time I visited him was 5th December, for a week, so I've been home for almost two weeks. We always miss each other, but that feeling has gotten stronger, and this time it was almost unbearable getting on the train to come back here. It has come to feel not just bad to be apart, but completely wrong and unnatural. He said he was missing me so much and couldn't tell me that enough. He said he was missing me on a physical level more than he ever had before and I knew exactly what he meant there. He's very tactile, loves to cuddle, kiss and hold hands, and so do I. The sex is incredible, but it's not primarily about that. He always says, sort of half joking (but I can tell it worries him) 'oh, I'm 44, and a diabetic, it won't be long before I can't perform in the bedroom' and I always say I don't care and I genuinely mean that. Because it's not the centre of our relationship. That's why I don't tend to call what we are doing an affair...because it's not a sexual thing, it's about intimacy and love. We can sit for hours in silence and it's not at all uncomfortable, it's bliss.
When I am with him I feel like I am the centre of his world, and I feel that way because he goes out of his way to MAKE me feel that way. If I worry about anything, it's that I'm taking so much and not giving him enough back. He assures me this is not the case. Years of having my confidence gradually taken away have left me thinking I'm not good enough, I don't derserve him and mostly that I don't understand just what he sees in me.
When I ask him what he sees, he tells me a beautiful lady (me, a lady!!!), young, beautiful inside and out, full of life and love and he is the man to bring all of that to the surface. He's been very patient with me, and is starting to get through to me now. I have come to believe he isn't going to give up and that he's in this for the long haul. He's not messing about. For 44 years he's been a batchelor, having flings but never a relationship, being a shocking flirt, and having the kind of infectious personality (so happy, always so happy!) and old fashioned decency that very few women can resist and yet he's never wanted to settle down. And yet with me he wants to. He says he's just not interested in other women anymore, he's had his offers but he's just not interested, he only wants me. I can't explain how happy that makes me or how lucky I feel.
I could see on the webcam he was looking kinda pensive so I asked him if anything was wrong. He said only that the words 'I love you' didn't feel enough anymore. They just didn't cut it at explaining how he feels. Again, I know exactly how he feels there. He say it all the time, because like me he recognises the need to say it, actually say the words. I think thats where alot of relationships go wrong...people just stop saying 'I love you' and then you forget they do. Women especially, need to hear it, and hear it often.
David is perfect. Perfect for me, anyway. I met him years ago, in my head. Every girl has a vision of what her ideal partner will be like and he is mine. Six foot four, ex-rugby player with big arms that just envelope me with warmth, a cheeky smile and the biggest brown eyes I have ever seen. He will burst into song randomly, just cause he feels like it, in a shockingly out-of-tune thick Geordie accent, grab hold of me and dance me round the living room, literally sweeping me off my feet and making me shriek with laughter. He snores like a Goddamn freight train and even that doesn;t bother me, which stuns his mother. She laughed her head off when I told her it actually helps me sleep. The only time it's ever bothered me is once when he was steadily snoring away and I was at that point between awake and asleep and he let out such a loud grunt I actually fell off the bed in shock. He talks in his sleep too, one time telling me my dressing down was hanging up in the bathroom (I hadn't even asked), and shoving my shoulder, quite insistant that I go and fetch it.
He is a creature of habit, and says that makes him seem like a daft old man. I like it, because every day he does the same little things and it means when we are apart I can see him clearly in my head going through his daily routine.
He gets up at about eight, gets showered and dressed, flicks the kettle on, goes to the shop for his Racing Post, comes home, makes himself a cup of tea and a couple of slices of toast, sits to eat it, reading the Racing Post from start to finish, picks some horses out, goes into town, places a couple of bets and goes home to put his feet up and watch them. He works for a bookie in Newcastle actually at the races, all over the UK, but not all the time.
I know what he does at what times of the day and I love that. I know if the USA footie is on he will go to bed at 9 and get up at 1am to watch the New England Patriots on the internet, and still get up at eight in the morning to go and get his Racing Post.
He worries about the age gap (18yrs) more than I do. Worries for me, because he says people are looking at us when we are out and about, wondering what a lovely young lady like me is doing with a 'grey haired old bastard' like him. I always laugh and say if people are looking (which I don't think they are) it's not because of the age gap, but because he always has his hand on my arse or his tongue down my throat!
All in all, we are a perfect match. Love is when you can burp and fat in front of each other and not be embarrassed about it, when you can honestly say you wouldn't change a thing about the person you are with. That's what we have.
When we said goodbye, he wished me a Merry Christmas and he thanked me for the most wonderful year in all his 44 years. That was what brought on the tears, because I was thinking 'why is he thanking me??' he's the incredible one, who has returned my smile (which died with my father) and made me believe that yes, I am worth something, I am lovable and dare I say it...beautiful? Never thought anyone could make me feel that way, but he has and does everyday.
Half an hour or so after we had logged off MSN, he sent me a text, to tell me he had worked out a way of explaining how he felt. He said it's like we aren't two seperate people, rather two halves of one person. He said he feels incomplete when we aren't together, physically and emotionally totally and utterly incomplete. I don't think I could've said it any better myself.
So with a week to go until the New Year, I'm gonna pour myself a glass of wine when I'm on my own this evening (while hubby is down the pub with his dad) and raise my glass to 2007 - the year when I discovered love in it's purest form and discovered that I can be sexy, I can be loved for who I am, and I can be happy, but most all that true love is real and I'm gonna toast me and David, and welcome 2008 with open arms...as the year everything I ever dreamed of comes true.
Merry Christmas one and all xxxxxxxxxxx |
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