or not.
i have an issue with crying.
i havent cried in four months.
its not that i dont want to cry..its just impossible. god. its like sometimes, its this whole build up of pain and want and need.
and its trying to get past whatever goddamn stupid barrier that ive built up over all of these years of being totally fucked.

but now that its summer, and things are going okay..well sometimes i feel like it might be OK to cry. and ive never allowed myself to think that before. and now when i finally allow myself to have this sort of freedom, i am denied it.
i know i must sound ridiculous and terribly emo, but i promise im not. its just that this has been bugging me since last month.
ever since ive started talking to lance(please read my second blog) every night and fall asleep thinking about how much i love him, to realize that i cant be with him despite the fact that he likes me back. i just want to cry for the mistakes ive made with him. and to cry for all of the stupid mistakes hes made with himself.