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So it's been a little over 2 weeks since "he" decided we needed a break. As of now your single is what replays in my head everytime I stop a second and let my thoughts catch up to me. Realize that I said everytime I stop? That's because ever since he declared us over, I haven't been able to stay put, cuz I'm so scared of the feelings that I had hurt will catch up with me. Two nights ago, my friend and I decided that we needed to get wasted, so not to think of our stupid ex's. That was my goal and as soon as reached my friends house I was taking shots. And everytime I thought of "him" I would take another shot. It was the drunkest I have ever been in my life. I really don't remember much of the night except that I was really wasted, and some how one of my guy friends was making out with me....which is so wierd. He had to go tho and left me there where I blacked out.
The night is such a haze to me, but one thing that sticks out in my mind is the fact that I remember waking up for a minute after I blacked out and a guy was on top of me, tongue in my mouth and hands un-zipping my pants. I was so drunk i couldn't even move, I lay there motionless, in my head I was screaming get off me, but my body wasn't even functioning, the guy left me there. I don't think it went any farther than him unzipping my pants, but it scares me that I really don't remember, and I don't even know who the guy was. I feel so ashamed that I even let myself get that bad. I have never been the one to look to drinking as a solution to my problems. I hate that this happened but then again, I feel tho that it's my fault, I shouldn't have been so drunk in the first place. It's just I've never been taken advatage of and I think that's what happened to me. I feel dirty and disgusted with myself. I just want to cry when I think about it.
I don't know, I didn't think that this break up was going to affect me as bad as it has. I love "him" and as soon as "he" finds out about this, my chances of ever being with him again will be over! I really screwed up. I've never felt so empty and alone in my life. |
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Posted by charli on 2008-07-21 18:54:06 | Rating: | Views: 38
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