So, here I am at home. Being the good version of myself. But now, the parents are in bed I'm online with my man. We're talking about whether we're meeting up when he gets back in January. Well, that isn't the discussion anymore. We've moved on to what we're going to be getting up to when we do meet. This is silly! I've been doing so well. I've changed churches, looked to make new friends, prayed and been prayed for, worshipped God. But now I'm throwing all that away. I know I'll go back to how it was when he was down last time and that scares me.
Everything that's gone wrong this time will only get worse cos I'm repeating the mistakes again. What if the burglary, the disciplinary at work, the speeding fine and points on my license, my housemate moving out, and being unemployed again was the warning (a big warning at that!) and now by repeating the behavior the warning will be bigger. And don't get me wrong... if the next warning is a final warning I wouldn't be upset at all. Agony over for good.

If life's just going to get more and more difficult I can't cope with that. I can see how life's not going to get any easier in the next couple of weeks with just mundane day to day things let alone him being back in my life. I'm so tiered of life. I am loving being at home with family. We don't really do anything except be together. There's no rushing about having to do things and we're just happy that way. We all need the rest. But for me it's all tinged with the sad knowledge that I have to go back to being who i've been tonight. A person my parents wouldn't want me to be, a stressed and lonely person with hardly any friends.

I have just over a week left here and then it's all over, probably until easter time. thats 3 or four months away and if i've got a job by then i probably wont make it home for even longer. I've been searching for jobs on the internet. I've been looking all over England for a job I actually want to do. I've decided that moving where the job is makes more sense than staying somewhere I don't like, doing jobs I don't want to do while I wait around for a job that may never turn up.

Despite what I've already written, I don't want to move back home. I've changed too much and I'm not ready to show people what I'm like while I'm in this deep mire (what is hopefully just a transitional phase to a more sane and happy me). I can maintain this false me for a couple of weeks (except on the internet obviously) but I couldn't do it for any longer. It makes me sad to think about how I've changed for the worse, how easily I've given up on reforming myself into the person I want to be, how much of a disappointment I'd be to my family if they knew the truth, how easily I turn away from God, how I know I look in all the wrong places for comfort, affirmation, love and happiness.

Today I am very sad and the stupid thing is, all I want is to be in the close embrace of my man... the most unhealthy person in my life right now.