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| Um......... who am I again????
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Thanks for the comments to my last blog. In response to the comment from CowboyZzFan907: He’s not my boyfriend. I don’t know what I’d call our relationship. Here he’s mine. Back home he’s everyone’s! We’re just messing about. Half of me wishes we were together properly because when he’s caring, comforting, complementing and whatever other words begin with ‘c’ he’s amazing. When he’s getting off his face on drink and drugs and going on about kissing and doing whatever with others… well yeah that’s not so amazing. But I knew what he was like before we got together. Yes, somewhere in my head, when we started flirting, even before we kissed, I thought I could be the one to settle him down. He’d choose to change his ways, devote him self to me and love only me. In short, I thought I could save him from what I thought was nothing more than living a life of existence, of momentary pleasures and escapism. Instead I have allowed myself to be changed. No doubt he would say he’s saving me from my Christian, innocent, naive existence.
If I wanted to go and find another man for a night I presume I could and he wouldn’t care. But that’s not my style. I'm a one man woman, even if he isn’t.
Why do I put up with it? Because this is the first man in 3 years to take an interest in me. It will do my confidence the world of good. At least, that’s the only justification I have for it anyway.
Do I deserve better? I think I do. I can’t get myself convinced of that right now.
I've thought more about my friends here. They don't want to get involved when it comes to me and my man on any level higher than gossip… and I have no doubt they gossip behind my back. Probably condemning me and my behaviour but not wanting to interfere. I don't feel like I have any support here. No wonder I'm beginning to go off Christianity!!
I don’t mind people far away telling me to get out of the relationship. I'm aware of it!! I know he's bad for me. But I don’t feel strong enough to leave him. Purely because without him I'm alone again. I'm just waiting for him to go home for Christmas. Then I just have to accept it and wait and see if he contacts me when he’s back in January.
I've been thinking about whether I'm supposed to stay in England or go back home. But that’s just running away surely? At least here I can be myself and no-one cares. At home I’d put up this whole pretence. I can’t bear the thought of my family and friends seeing who I really am. Especially my mother. How can I tell her how I feel when I've felt like this for so long. It would be like telling her she’d never noticed. For years and she’d never noticed that her daughter was cutting, purging, drinking and suicidal.
Last night I went to the youth club at my church. It’s the 1st time I've been since meeting my man. It was strange. I was amongst Christians… three of whom work full time in Christian jobs. I couldn’t help but revert back to how I used to be. I felt like a fraud. I also thought it wondered if it was some kind of indication of how I’d change back when he goes. Would I be false? Would I earnestly seek forgiveness? Would I repent and all those other Christian things? Will I spiral? Will I just exist?
I guess when I have to lead worship next Sunday I’ll find out bit more.
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Posted by cedge on 2007-12-05 11:27:54 | Rating: | Views: 143
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