Last night I spoke to my man on instant messenger. He'd been home for the weekend before he does his last 2 weeks back here.

Somehow we got onto talking about honesty and he asked me to be honest with him. I told him
"1. I'll be a little bit gutted (not mad or angry just gutted) if I don’t see you 2mo because it’s probably the only night I could stay over because of work
2. I'm scared about how much I've changed in the last couple of weeks and it scares me when I think how/if I'm suppose to maintain this new me when you go and everyone I know is fucking Christian!!
3. I hate the fact that I've been depressed the past couple of weeks when you've made me so happy. I've never mixed happy and depressed before. It's confusing! I am sorry because I just want us to have fun. You make me smile and laugh so much I hate being depressed around you."
He told me that I didn't need to say sorry and that he likes me to be myself.

I'm so confused! I've always thought I needed to hide my real self because no-one could like that. Yet when he saw my anti-depressants he wanted to talk about it and understand. I know we're not in this for the long run so I didn't want to put any of this on him. But he encourages me to be myself. I wonder what would happen if we actually lived near each other. I don't think we'd see that much of each other. This is all just working off adrenaline and intensity.

I really am pretty scared about what happens when he goes.
I've only been to church once since I met him and have no idea of where my faith stands. So I might have no faith.
I have ignored the advice of some of my closest friends not to stay with him even though I know they are right. I've thrown their friendship and concern back in their faces. So I might have fewer friends.
I have changed so much and don't really know if I can be like this when he goes. So I may have lost any confidence I had in who I was/thought I was/am/want to be.



I didn't get round to putting this blog on yesterday.
I got a text off him saying he was back and wanted to see me. So I closed the computer, got in the shower, picked up a bottle of wine and drove like mad to get over there.
He answered the door with a big smile again. It helps me think I make him happy. Or it could have been the fact that he'd been drinking for the past 6 hours.
So we chatted, kissed, listened to music and then he wanted to go to sleep because he was pissed and is doing a 13 hour shift today.
So we lie down, lights go off, we kiss, I lightly rub his back and find a knot. So I offer a back massage. He says no because 'I don't want you to think that's all you come round for' (he gets a massage practically every time). But I said if it would help and he'd like me too I would.
It was so good to see him relaxing and enjoying it. I did it ‘til I fell asleep and he had to put me back into bed.
I kept waking up all night. Partly because his snoring was so loud and partly because I'd had 14 hours sleep earlier.
So in my lack of sleep, lying in the dark making sure I didn't disturb him, my thoughts went where they often do these days...

...I wondered if this was the happiest I was ever going to be.
...I thought about how I would have the hotel room all to myself when he left for work.
...I thought that if it was then what was the point of carrying on.
...I thought about how I'd wanted to kill myself for a long time but never knew where to do it because I didn't want my friends to find me.
...I thought about who I would want to find me - someone who cared, someone who would be upset I'd done it, but someone who could go far away and not have to live day in day out with reminders of me.
...Then I thought about how I could kill myself in the morning. There was no drink left; I didn't have all my pills with me.
...I mentally viewed things I knew were in the room.
...I remembered the bottle opener. It was new and really sharp.
...I visualised dragging it down my wrists. I cried as I saw the blood trickle down my skin. I saw the sheets getting soaked red. I made sure I was fully dressed and I'd written a note saying...
"I'm sorry I did this to you. You've made me so happy and I want to go out on a high. I wish I could have lasted a bit longer but I reckon you could handle this better than anyone I know. I've got no reasons to give anyone, other than now I'm happy and soon I won’t be. I'm getting further from God, further from friends and further from myself. I don't know where to go from here so I'm opting out. Goodbye and thank you for all you've given and shown me."
...It ran through my mind over and over while slipping in and out of sleep.

So in the morning when his alarm went off I waited for him to get in the shower and I got dressed. Usually I'd stay and sleep and watch TV for hours but I knew how it would go if I stayed there alone. It was all too fresh in my head. He was really confused as to why I'd got up so I just said it wouldn't have been a good thing if I stayed. He looked at me confused and just accepted it. I'd made him a cup of tea so he was alright.
Then he left for work and as soon as he and his colleague got into the car I went to my car and drove home.
I've made sure I've kept myself busy - washing, ironing, cleaning. And I've managed to stay away from the alcohol so far.
It scares me how close I could have come to attempting suicide again.