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My man has a friend from work staying in the hotel this week so I don't think I'll get to see him at all. I'd love to meet his friend but I don't want to suggest it because I don't want to get deeper and more involved with his home life. Plus they do lots of drugs and drinks together. I want to experiment but I'd rather do it with one that I trust and not his mate who I don't know.

I'm going to try and wait for him to text me before I text him. This is my insecure-ness saying that he won’t want to hear from me while his friend is here. If he proves me wrong I'll love it if he doesn't then it will be easier when he goes in a couple of weeks.

Sunday night he told me about his weekend and all the guys and girls he snogged and some of the ones he did other stuff with and one that he shagged. This morning after work I was giving a friend a lift home and he said that he had a girlfriend who would brag about messing round with guys and flirt with other men in front of him. He said it was because she wanted to see him get jealous and for him to come clear with his feelings. He dumped her because he wasn't willing to play the game. He asked me if I thought my man could be doing this and I said that I thought he was just a natural bragger. But thinking about it more he does talk about it a lot. It's one of the first thing he talked about on Sunday. Maybe next time I will say 'I don't wana know about all them, baby, let's concentrate on us'. He can't argue with that can he? I thought saying stuff like that would make it look like I was trying to change him and I didn't want that. I've just been going along with it and have tried not to dwell on it. But if he wants me to be honest then I can tell him I don't want to hear it.

I was thinking about my friends again. I've thought about whether my housemate and her fiancé would hang round with me if she lived elsewhere. Then I realised that we don't hang out anyway. Our paths just cross every so often. I thought that they can't be real friends cos they're too far up their own (or each others!) arses!! They are Christians yet have not approached me about my change in behaviour... not in a judgemental way but even just showing concern. They haven't seen how big a change there's been or don't care enough to talk about it.

If I didn't have my man life would be very lonely... I WILL be very lonely.

It makes me wonder if I should be living here. I feel like I have very few friends around, no real job, and no support structures. There's no-one here to turn to, no-one who even notices what I'm doing and no-one who cares enough to challenge me on it.
That's such a difficult realisation. I guess at the same time, to leave would be running away. Plus I've no doubt that running home would just mean that these problems would just get unhealthily buried as I have never opened up to anyone back home. I'm visiting home for the weekend in 2 weeks time. I don't know what I'll be like but it will be a good distraction as my man will have left till after Christmas that day.

Would I listen if someone did challenge me on my behaviour or would I just rebel? I don't know and I'm not sure I'll find out. I can be open and honest with people but they'd rather not hear cos they don't want my problems in their lives. I guess we all want hassle free friends. Although, I hate to see my friends sad and hurting but I love helping them. I guess my blog paints me as being a selfish, self-involved kind of person but I'm not. I've been told before that I need to put myself at a higher priority and to love and respect myself as much as I do others.

I don't know how to talk to people. I struggle to hold it together in front of friends and strangers. So now I have to go out to my church's youth club and be 'normal', 'responsible' and 'fun'.
I don't want to go but they need me cos they don't have enough female volunteers. Anyway, I used to enjoy it.

I've not heard from my man so far today but he'll be in work for a little longer and hasn't started drinking yet.

If I can get through youth club that'll be a start. Then I can come back, sleep for a couple of hours and then go to work. All I've done today is sleep. I can't keep living like this.