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I just got home from work.
It was such a long night. I sat on my own plugged my ipod in and shut the world out.

Before work was awesome. I saw my man for the first time since we had our argument. It was nice cos we just smiled, kissed and held each other. Then with 5minutes before I have to leave for work we decide there's enough time for a quick shag. I can't believe how much I've changed. The old me would have made sure I was out of there before that became an option. Tonight I just waited until he suggested it and then had a quickie. I don't know what's wrong with me! Since my church pastor left the other week, 'my fella' says he shall be my new spiritual advisor and that he'll get me to heaven and back. My response????? 'Am I not showing you how good God is baby?!' I'm not me!

But then work was tiring and slow. The boys were on about our night out in a couple of weeks which I'm still unsure of and my boss was horrible again. I think it's cos I told him where I'd spent my evening. If he does fancy me then it could be jealousy. He was rude and irrational whereas before he was on my side and wanted to be my 'mate'.

My pain isn't from a break
A harsh word or disappointment
My sadness isnt from hurt
Grief of loss or absence

This pain doesn't bleed
Nor bruise on the outside
Inside it weighs a ton
Drags me down and numbs

Tablets do not free me
Higher dose is no answer
Sadness engulfs me
Pulls me under, takes hold

This pain is from nothingness
Sadness from emptiness
These things can't be explained
They caan't be washed away.
No-one can fill these spaces
Nor erase all the black
Spiralling down to nowhere
When will this all stop?

I don't think I'm the only person who's ever felt this way and I'm not deluded enough to think my problems and feelings are worse than anyone elses but to me they are real and they are daily. This is something loads of people go through and I'm not going to pretend that no-one understands me. Sadly I think too many people do.
This destructive, lack of self-respect, little self-esteem life I've found myself in is not what I want, not what I was created for, and not how I want to live out the rest of my life.