| View Blog
|
|
|
|
It's been ages since I last wrote.
I don't know how I got out of the slight habit blogging had become but I wish I hadn't. I think it was fairly theraputic and helped me get my thoughts out of my head.
So, what's with me at the moment?
I'm kind of happy. I'm in love, so that helps. He's wonderful. He's the guy I mentioned in my last blog... 'Rich'. So, his name is actually Rob and he's very caring. He know's alot of my crapness, how I get depressed and some of (what I consider to be) the worst things about me. It didnt take him long to start telling me he loved me which scared me. I confronted him about it as we had then only met up 3 times (and because about 2 years ago he was engaged to a girl he'd been with for 4 years - didn't he love her too and they didn't work out). How could he throw a word like love around so easily? He went on to give the most amazing reasons - not the flippent reasons I was expecting but meaningful and deep things that I never knew was loveable about me. I told him I needed more time before I could say it and he just said 'We have all the time in the world' (wants to make you puke doesn't it!!!) For days after this I wanted to tell him I loved him but wouldn't let myself as I wanted to make sure I meant it and wasn't just saying it because he did. I've told him now and whenever I do I know I mean it.
I must be alot more content too because I don't fear that he's going to make me look stupid like my other boyfriends have by letting me get all wrapped up in them and then chucking me.
I've visited him since then. It was only for a weekend but he made me feel so safe and loved. We were totally comfortable with each other and spent almost all the time together, alone. And we got on the whole time! (This is a big thing cos I often feel like I annoy people). We messed around a bit and on the first night we did have sex. We didn't plan to but just got caught up in the moment. The following night we decided we shouldn't as we were supposed to be taking things slow. The thing is though, I didn't feel emmense guilt like I did with the other men - in fact there was no guilt. I kinda wish we had waited but I'm not beating myself up about it.
This is the first man I've really talked to God about. With the others I knew it was not in God's will so tried to avoid God but with Rob I'm asking God to be at the centre of it all.
Rob's a Christian. He used to be in a gang and has a different culture to me - one where gun's are pretty normal and a pretty much an acceptable way to deal with problems and alcohol is either to be avoided or drunk to major excess - there's no middle with it. I've already made my mind up that I will never live there.
My doctor changed my anti depressants. They made me unable to sleep - literally 2 hours a night - and made me very anxious and afraid of crowded places. Because I was stuck in the house like a zombie I decided to stop taking them. I cut them down to half a tablet before giving them up completely. I did it now because Rob's in Uganda for two weeks and I feel like I won't be putting all my crap on him cos we can't talk often. By the time he gets back I'll be totally over them and he won't of heard me moaning through the transition bit. And I can tell myself that I'm feeling down cos Rob's away and focus on him coming back next friday.
I'm still jobless. That's getting me down. I wouldn't mind if i was being unrealistic about the jobs I'm applying for but I haven't applied for anything I couldn't do well at and I'm applying for over 5 jobs a week. I can't even get interviews. The only reason I can see that this is happening is because God's got something in store for me and right now he want's me unemployed. I've just got to do my best to make the most of it in whatever way I can. In the meantime I have an interview on Monday for a cleaning job... that's where a degree and 2 years youth worker experience will get you.
If you're a prayer please bear my unemployment in mind when you next chat to the Big guy. Much appreciated.
xxx
|
|
Posted by cedge on 2008-06-27 19:30:49 | Rating: | Views: 63
|
|
| |
|
|
Email This to a Friend 
