Thoughts.com Blogs - 8/10 but Home for Christmas

So I got home for Christmas. It's nice. I've only been here about an hour but I think I'm more relaxed than I have been since I was home last weekend!

On the way back to England I got pulled over by the police for speeding. It was stupid of me. I'd noticed a few miles back that there was a 'undercover' police car because i'd seen them pull someone over but that didn't bother me. While I was sitting in the back of the police car and he was going through all the stuff I just didn't care. I'd been doing about 98 miles an hour (about 150km/h i think for your americans!) which they can automatically send you to court for. But I 'got away with' a £60 fine and 3 points on my license. The most disturbing bit for me was when the officer was giving me a bit of a talking to and he said 'do you want to die?'. When I got back into my car I thought about it. Did I want to die? Yeah I did. In a rather morbid way I rated it out of 10. I wanted to die 8 out of 10. That's not good but what was I going back to?... a disciplinary meeting, a empty house, a house that needed cleaning cos of the burglary, no real friends, and my job working nights. I hate my life!!!

So, the disciplinary. Hmmmmmm. I'd had work the night before and my boss claimed to know nothing about it and was apparently surprised. He's the only person that could report me so I already knew he was lying. In the meeting the woman had no evidence of anything except that firstly i'd had 2 nights off. one of which was the night i got burgled (apparently that's 'unfortunate but no-one elses problem but my own') and secondly that I had text my boss to say that i wasn't going to be in the first time and that's not professional enough. I told her that we'd been given no policy on reporting absence and I wasn't the only one... most of us communicated this way... but that didn't matter. I got the distinct impression that nothing mattered. I asked her straight out "Do you have any proof that I don't do my work?" to which she said "no we are unable to keep account of how much any person does". I told her that's a shame because I work really hard (not necessarily true but she has no proof!!!) She also tried to get some information about whether I had been seeing anyone from training but I kept quiet about my man. She asked me 'Do you see this being a long term job' and 'Do you like working nights?'. Brilliant! What did she expect me to say?????? For one, the fact it's a temporary job kinda answers the first question doesn't it!!!

I would of quit in the meeting but I was laughing so much I kind of perversly enjoyed it!! I also wanted to confront my boss. When I got into work that night I waited for my boss to ask me about the meeting. He sat down next to me and i told him that i knew he'd said a lot of stuff that was unnecessary and that he'd lied the previous night by saying he knew nothing about it. He'd told me he'd been rung that day before my meeting and asked a lot of questions. The woman who was asking the questions was the woman who'd asked my man out a couple of weeks ago but he turned her down cos of me so my boss was saying she was probably trying to get me into trouble cos she was jealous. Then he said that someone on my team may have complained about me. So basically it was everyone's fault but his. Hmmm yeah right.

When I got home that morning I rang up the central agency number to quit. It meant I didn't need to talk to anyone I knew and they would just inform the people that needed to know. If I'm honest it wasn't just the people and the disciplinary meeting that made me want to quit. Working nights was messing with my depression and I didn't like leaving my house empty at night anymore. I also wasn't seeing daylight. Nights are for some people but they're not for me. at least not in winter.

Now I'm unemployed, alone, feeling lost, unsafe and unstable.

I did go to a new church today though. It was strange to worship when I feel so guilty but I managed to worship. At the end the pastor invited people forward who had gone away from God and wanted to get right with him again. I went up for prayer even though I didn't really want to. It was like admitting to about 300 people (Christians no less!) that I'm this big sinner who needs to repent. So I went to the front and the guy asked me what I wanted prayer for. I told him that everything's going wrong and it's my fault. He prayed for me and then wanted to make sure I met some people afterwards. I don't think I've ever been to a church like it. It's not really my type of church but they are my type of people. It may have something to do with the fact that i've come out of my shell a bit more. Maybe this will be something positive that happens to me for the first time in what seems like ages.

So for now, I'm guna pretend everythings ok while i'm home. i'm going to forget that i've got an empty house back in manchester that might be being burgled, forget i have no friends and forget i have no job. Forget that the past two weeks have been full of crap and forget that i bought it on myself.