I really thought I’d have some huge revelation in the past 2 days. It hasn’t happened. That makes me sad.
I've always had this wish for a bolt of lightning; a parting of the clouds. Then I’d feel better and be able to live a happy life. It’s going to happen just like that!! I've hoped for this for a long time. Every time I do something positive I think it will be my reward for putting some effort in when effort is such a big task these days.
Maybe this is why I dive into relationships without thinking about whether they are good for me. I think this new man is going to rescue me; he’s the bolt of lightning; my saviour.
This is probably a good explanation as to why I'm so willing to compromise. As if it will be give and take and because I know I will need to take so much that I’ll give and give and give in anticipation of him having to give me so much when my problems come to the surface. Obviously, we never really make it that far. He ends up with lots and I end up with less than I had before.
I don’t know what to do with myself. My life this week has pretty much consisted of work and sleep. If I'm not asleep I'm blogging or just lying in bed. Although I have been to the shop to buy vodka. I also picked up a magazine that tells me ‘10 ways to get Happy’.
These insights????
- Get a new job
- Make new friends
- Give something back to the community
- Feel less stressed (Ha!! Yeah that’s simple!)
- Change your body shape
- Fix or ditch your boyfriend
- Change your look
- Live the dream (have a goal)
- Improve your general health
- Sort out your finances
Simple hey?! Kind of ruins my instant miracle idea though doesn’t it. Damn!
By blogging and talking to friends that live nowhere near me I feel like I'm not putting any responsibility on people. If I spoke to anyone I actually spend time with I'm scared of what might happen. I'm scared of what a doctor will do if I tell her how I feel. I don’t know what she will legally HAVE to do. That scares me.
I'm taking a break from my man. I don’t know if it’s for good or not. Well, it is for ‘good’ but I don’t know if it’s permanent. He’s with his friend this weekend then home until coming back for a few days later in the week. I don’t know if he’ll contact me or not. I think I need to let it lie. I need to hold onto the fact that if he doesn’t contact me I've gained rather than lost.
I think this loneliness is not helped by my reclusive, introverted personality. Is that a blatantly obvious statement?! I reckon that must be one half of it. The other half is perhaps the fact that my friends are never around. I guess I only have two friends here really and they’re engaged to each other. Other people I know are too busy so I never see them and don’t talk about real stuff.
I don’t know how to go about making new friends. There are people at work but because we work nights we all just spend most of the day in bed and we don’t live near each other. We’re on a temporary contract so who knows whether the friendships will carry on but it’s unlikely.
Tomorrow I have to lead worship at church. I've chosen three songs. One speaks of how God is our help, the next about how great He is and the last is about how we should live to serve all others like Jesus did. None of these things have been evident in the way I've lived the past few weeks. My old pastor told me that ‘leading worship is about giving a voice to other peoples praise and that the paradox of leading public worship is sometimes that it isn’t to do with our own faith but giving others the words to express theirs. Then our own faith often finds a new voice through service of others.’ I'm glad I saved that text else I would have had to let this week’s preacher down. Will my faith find a new voice tomorrow? Tonight I will remind God I'm doing it and ask Him to help me. I’ll also ask him not to strike me down as soon as I step through the church door!!
I've felt nothing but tired today. I can write a list of all the stuff I should have done and the people I should have rung or text. Instead I've spoken to no one and done nothing.
I certainly haven’t done any of the suggested ‘10 ways to make you happy’ and I haven’t experienced my ‘instant miracle’ so it’s just been another one of those days.
