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Water under the bridge

“People who have lost relationships often wonder why they can't just let it be "water under the bridge." It is water under the bridge - the trouble is we do not live on the bridge but in the river of life with its many twists and turns.” - Grant Fairley

The inspiration for my blog today is the movie “Bridges of Madison County”. I watched it again last night. Its a decent Eastwood film although I personally hate chick flicks…but we usually watch whatever my mother wants…here house and all that. Anywho, Scott watched it with us… well between playing his crusader game on his laptop.

The movie held new meaning for me this time. Watching Francesca choose between her dreams and her commitments; choosing between the man she loved when married him, and man she’s having a passionate affair with. It made me think of my life and what I’m giving up to be with Scott.

For those who do not know, Scott was born with FAS. He will pretty much be (emotionally speaking) a 16 year old boy forever. He has learning disabilities and other handicaps that go along with it. But in spite of everything he’s been through and every handicap, he is a really sweet boy.

I find it unfortunate that I think of him as a boy. I feel like he’ll never truly be a partner to me. More like a teenage child that’s going to live with me for the rest of my life. It’s a burden that weighs heavily upon me. Maybe if I hadn’t found out about the FAS I wouldn’t feel like this. Maybe not. I am glad that I know what’s going on with him.

He has improved remarkably within the last few months…but still. There’s no guarantee that he’ll continue to improve.

We had a talk the other night about using ugly tones when speaking to people. He dose not see a difference in “Ok, I can stay late tonight.” and ”OK! I CAN STAY LATE TONIGHT!” when talking to his boss. (or anyone else for that matter) It was so frustrating for me because its something that I expect an adult to know and understand. We’ll have to talk about it several times and probably fight about it for a couple before he’ll actually begin to do something about it.

Please don’t get me wrong people. I love him and its part of my nature to take care of others, but today I’m tired and overwhelmed and scared to be marrying a man who can never be my equal. I’m scared to give up my dreams to take care of him. And I feel like a terrible selfish bitch on top of it all.

I just don’t want to end up regretting my life and resenting Scott for it.